BtVS/Night Vale xover: Radio Silence

[beer_good_foamy]

So, yeah, this was inevitable, I guess. This is partly for dragonyphoenix, who does a great job of keeping the fandom alive and kicking, and also because my muse has been looking for a way to cross Buffy with Welcome to Night Vale and the Gentlemen fit the bill far too well for me to not write it.

Title: Radio Silence
Author: Beer Good (beer_good_foamy)
Fandom: Buffy/Welcome To Night Vale. Spoilers for ep 30 of WTNV, and season 4 of BtVS.
Rating: PG13
Word count: ~1500
Characters/Pairings: Cecil/Carlos, Dana (Night Vale)
Warnings: Violence, character death
Summary: The Gentlemen drop by Night Vale. This poses something of a problem for a radio host who depends on his voice to communicate. Not to mention for the people in town who aren't too keen on having their hearts cut out.

Radio Silence

The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the crisscrossing, interlocking, violently conflicting paths of other equally righteous men. Welcome to Night Vale.



Dear listeners,

It's a beautiful fall day here in Night Vale. The leaves are turning a lovely deep red on the trees, the desert winds howl around the house as if to tell us that they want to embrace and love us, and the evenings are accompanied by the sound of geese flying south for the winter. At least we think they're geese. With the permanent midnight that's hung over our little town for the last two weeks, it's hard to tell exactly what those things are flying over us, except that the noises they make are not remotely human. The City Council would like to remind us all that the calls of the geese are definitely not invitations to join them, and that anyone feeling the need to leave town and move south is heartily invited to report to City Hall for unrelocation.

I have some exciting news about Intern Dana. As you'll recall, Dana was trapped in the Dog Park a few months ago. Despite this she was able to survive... somehow... and recently managed to find an exit. Unfortunately, that exit was in the House That Does Not Exist, which according to Carlos - who is mister Grumpypants in the morning, so take it with a pinch of salt - should simply not be possible, since, well, it doesn't exist. If it does exist, he says while adding two lumps of sugar to his tea in that way he does where he holds the sugar in the tea to let it soak before dropping it, which really is a bit annoying, then it exists on some other plane of existence. An alternate dimension?, I ask, to which he stirs his tea and smiles in that way he has, that seems to say I can never know exactly what he's thinking but that's OK, and says that a year ago he would have laughed at the idea of an alternate dimension but now he finds it a perfectly reasonable explanation, and he's getting used to a lot of things here in Night Vale. Then he -

But enough about our petty domestic squabbles. Anyway, where was I? That's right! Dana has been leaving me phone messages again. Somehow. She claims to have found a spot where the reception is good enough that she should be able to call me and talk directly to me, live on the air, and tell the whole story of where she has been and what she is up to. I don't know about you, listeners, but I for one am very excited to get to hear from her again. More on that later in the show.

We've received a letter from Old Woman Josie, Out Near The Car Lot. I love hearing from Josie, don't you, listeners? Anyway, she writes that ... let's see, terrible danger, omens and portents, nightmarish visions of - ah, there's a poem! Isn't that nice? Let's see:

Can't even shout, can't even cry.
The Gentlemen are coming by.
Looking in windows, knocking on doors
They need to take seven and they might take yours
Can't call to mom, can't say a word
You're gonna die screaming but you won't be heard.

Well, listeners, I'm not an expert on poetry, but I have to say, well done Josie. Of course, this year's Poetry Week is still several months away, but I say there's no need to limit our exposure to high art to one particular week every year. I won't claim to know exactly what Josie wants to say with this, but I h-



Hhhhh

Hhhhh



*tap tap*
*tap tap*




*ring ring*
Cecil?
Are you there?
It's me, Dana.
I don't know where I am. It is a world like ours, but not.
I don't think I have much time.
Cecil?
There seems to be a bad line, I heard you pick up but I can't hear you. I will try to call you back as soon as I get a chance.
Bye for now.




-.. . .- .-. .-.. .. ... - . -. . .-. ... --..-- .. .... .- ...- . ... ..- -.. -.. . -. .-.. -.-- .-.. --- ... - -- -.-- ...- --- .. -.-. . .-.-.- .-.. ..- -.-. -.- .. .-.. -.-- .. -.- -. --- .-- -- --- .-. ... . -.-. --- -.. . --..-- ... --- .. ..-. .- -. -.-- --- -. . --- ..- - - .... . .-. . -.-. .- -. -....-






Dear citizens of Night Vale,
This is a recorded message, set to play automatically in case there's more than one minute of dead air.
We are currently having technical difficulties of an unspecified nature.
Please stand by.
Do not be alarmed.
Everything is, or will soon be, or will soon be remembered as, perfectly normal.
Stand by for further instructions.
Do not turn off your radios.




Ladies and gentlemen
Cecil here
I seem to have
Lost
My
Voice
And I am
Cutting
This
Together from
Tapes of
Previous
Broadcasts
Word
For
Word




The radio
Must not be
Silent



Intern
Gil-
-Bert
Has also lost
His
Voice



I tried using
Morse
Code
But apparently
That is now
The exclusive and sacred privilege
Of
The eternal scouts



If anyone out there
Can help
Me
Continue the broadcast
The radio
Must not be
Silent
Must not be
Silent
Or else



Ladies and
Gentlemen
Gentlemen



I am just getting reports now
That everyone in Night Vale
Has lost
Their
Voice
Even the
Mysterious hooded figures
Even the
Screaming Vortex In The Dairy Section Of Ralph's that occasionally sucks in shoppers looking for discount cream
Has stopped screaming



We urge you to stay calm
There is no need to panic



I am just getting reports now, of
Mysterious
Figures
But not
Hooded



There is someone
At the door
Intern
Gil-
-Bert
Has gone
To answer



Oh god
Oh god
Oh god



Listeners
I cannot describe



Mysterious
Figures
But not
Hooded
Smiling
Floating
Unfailingly polite
Cutting
Out
Intern
Gil-
-Bert
's
Heart
He
Cannot
Call for help
I dare not
Help
Him



I am just getting reports now, of
This is happening
All over town
Gentlemen
Cutting
Out
The hearts
Of
Their helpless victims
Who
Cannot
Call for help
Who
Cannot
Scream



They are
Waving
At
Me
Through the window
To the
Recording booth
Tapping on
The window
Of the
Recording booth
Smiling
Well dressed
Unfailingly polite
Their hands
Dripping with the blood of the innocent



I have
Locked
The door



The City Council has issued a statement saying there is no need to panic



So that's nice



Listeners
I just got a
Text
From
Carlos
Perfect, beautiful Carlos
He says
He is going to investigate
And try
To stop
These monsters



I am concerned



I am concerned
I am concerned
I am concerned
I am concerned
Gentlemen



Carlos
Come home
I must tell you
I want to
Come
Find you
But
The radio
Must not be
Silent



I am concerned



Meanwhile, dear listeners
We take you now to The Weather



[instrumental]


*ring ring*
Cecil?
Are you there?
It's me, Dana.
Please answer me. I don't know how much longer I will be able to -
There are things here, Cecil.
Things that move.
Things that are here, but at the same time, are not.
I think they
Cecil, I -
No! Get away from me! No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
*dial tone*



Ladies and gentlemen, we are back. I am pleased to report that thanks to the intervention of our very own intern, Dana, the monsters that stole our voices and tried to cut out the hearts of seven Night Vale citizens are now dead. Apparently, since she is in an alternate dimension, the spell that silenced Night Vale did not affect her, and her scream, broadcast over the radio, was enough to blow them up in a quite spectacular way.

Carlos just phoned me to tell me that he is all right and he promises to be right home as soon as he's done cleaning up this unfortunate mess. That is all that matters right now. He tells me that thanks to Dana's bravery, the Gentlemen only managed to kill four of the seven people they would have if she hadn't stepped in. This is what a hero is, ladies and gentlemen: someone who, when the chips are down, isn't afraid to speak up and call a monster a monster. So thank you, Dana, and please call again as soon as you can.

Please.

We also offer our heartfelt condolences to the family of Intern Gilbert, who gave his life to keep Night Vale Community Radio on the air in this time of crisis. Our hearts go out to... I mean, our thoughts are with you.

The City Council has issued a statement, thanking all citizens for not panicking in this unusual situation, and recommending that they all make an extra sacrifice at their bloodstone circle in gratitude of their good fortune.

Dear listeners, as I gaze out on Night Vale this evening, still covered by the darkness of eternal midnight, I can see things returning to our regular routine. The Screaming Vortex In The Dairy Section Of Ralph's has once again begun screaming, the mysterious helicopters are flying again, and the mysterious hooded figures have already been seen rounding up schoolchildren and the elderly, herding them into the Dog Park in order to play their part in the traditional thanksgiving ceremonies.

Once again, Night Vale, we have shown the value of being a community, and remaining calm under pressure. Everything is, or will soon be, or will soon be remembered as, perfectly normal.

Goodnight, Night Vale. Goodnight.