beer_good_foamy (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
beer_good_foamy) wrote2019-01-17 07:48 am
beer_good_foamy) wrote2019-01-17 07:48 am
Entry tags:
Fic: Yukon Ho!
It's MORE JOY DAY!
Last year I wrote Crumbs (BtVS/Hansel and Gretel). I didn't know if I was going to do anything for this year, the only thing I'm sort of working on at the moment is very non-joyous, but then I got into a discussion withthenewbuzwuzz on her brilliant fic Haikus Illegal In Several States and got to thinking about weird US sex laws.
So without further ado, here's Moose!Buffy/Elk!Spike smut. ...-ish. Consider that your warning.
Title: Yukon Ho!
Author: Beer Good (beer_good_foamy)
Fandom: Buffy, all-ungulate AU
Pairing: Spike/Buffy
Rating: R
Word count: ~1200
Summary: Buffy is a moose, Spike is an elk. Can they overcome the prejudice between their species and find true love?
Yukon Ho!
Buffy raised her front right leg to deliver the finishing kick, while the cornered wolf looked about in panic for the rest of its flock. Being the Wolf Slayer is a lonely calling, but moose are solitary animals anyway so it never bothered Buffy in the slightest. But just then the strangest thing happened; the wolf looked her right in the eye and grunted "STOP!" in Moose.
Buffy held back the lethal hoof at the last second. This was new. "Oowah", she barked; How do you speak Moose?
The wolf seemed to have exhausted his Moose vocabulary and just whined; Buffy didn't speak much Wolf, but she caught the gist of it. Work for Spike. Help trap hunters. Help kill.
Spike. That name again. She'd heard it around the forest, spoken in hushed tones among predators and herbivores alike, but never with any detail. She decided to get to the bottom of this. So she looked up her friend Willow, a slightly reddish moose cow who, true to her name, was gnawing the bark off a willow tree when Buffy found her.
"Errah?," Buffy asked; Have you heard of someone named Spike? (Moose is a very succinct language with many possible inflections.)
"Oorh," Willow grunted dismissively; They say he's an elk. Big bull. You know how I feel about those.
"Ruh," Buffy joked; Bulls or elk?
Willow grinned; Buffy, who had fought alongside her more than once, was allowed to joke about that. Elk and other deer was a touchy subject for her; she'd killed a young fawn once, and ever since, other deer species had it in for her. But Willow didn't know anything more about the mysterious Spike, and so Buffy continued on through the woods to see if she could find any trouble to get into - that always seemed to be the best way to get information.
Trouble found her soon enough. Just as she was casually chewing up most of a small birch tree, there was a bang and a bullet whizzed right past her head. She turned quicker than any other moose would have been able to and smelled her assailant: a human perched in the bed of a Jeep, frantically reloading his gun. She didn't hesitate and charged right at him. Being a cow she didn't have any horns, but horns or not, most people will run when 800 pounds of angry venison come running at them at 35 mph. The hunter yelped, quickly jumped into his Jeep and sped away. Oh no you don't, Buffy thought; she put her muzzle in the air, sniffed until she picked up his scent, and followed it.
She caught up with the hunter on the outskirts of the city the humans called Fairbanks. Buffy remembered the stories about how this had once been prime feeding ground for moose, until the humans put up houses and asphalt, and now her fellow moose were reduced to ... picking apples in people's gardens, apparently, judging by the one the hunter had stopped for. It was a bull about Buffy's age, seemingly without a care in the world, munching on apples hanging from a tree with no idea that the hunter was carefully taking aim at him.
Well, that bull might be an idiot, but even hot idiots... uh, even idiots have a right to live. Buffy snuck up on the hunter, and with one mighty kick sent him flying over the nearest fence, trailing various bodily fluids behind him and landing with a very satisfying crunch. (She really didn't like hunters.)
The bull looked up at the sound, caught her eye and grinned. Moose have notoriously bad eyesight, but thanks to her heightened Slayer senses she had to admit he was handsome, despite the strangely white fur on top of his head. He had a scar above one eye, a slender but muscular build, and carried himself in a way that somehow looked lazy and deadly at the same time. A large bell of loose skin and fur dangled under his chin (she was a sucker for a good bell) and while his antlers may have been slightly smaller than her previous bull Riley's had been, they were also not as annoyingly symmetrical and blunt; they looked sharper, wilder... more dangerous. He sidled over to her, spitting out an apple and grinding it out under his hoof.
"Ouwah," he grunted in a weird but totally sexy accent; Thanks for the assist, luv. Name's Spike. You'd be Buffy, right? Say, that's quite a hump on you.
Buffy snorted. Uh, thanks, I mean... You're Spike? You're the one who's been consorting with wolves, and ... Since when are you a moose anyway? Everyone says you're an elk.
"Erh," Spike responded; Same thing, innit. Bloody Canadians got it all mixed up back in colonial days. Elk is what we call moose back in Blighty. Some idiot saw one of them scrawny wapiti and called it an elk since he figured that was the American version of us, and then when they discovered there were proper Alces Alces runnin' around up here too they had to come up with a different name for'em and called you lot 'moose'. So what do you say, Slayer, you up for it? He dropped an apple in front of her.
She knew she was supposed to confront him about his unholy alliance with wolves, but killing things always made her hungry and horny and besides it was rutting season, so it wasn't really much of a debate. She snatched up the apple, let him see it roll over her tongue and swallowed it in one large bite before turning her hindquarters toward him and steadying herself against the jeep. He sniffed her nethers and gave it a long lick that made her shudder all the way up to her long, furry ears, mounted her and entered her in one thrust.
Oh.
Human language, alas, falls woefully short when it comes to capturing the feeling of two moose in the throes of sexual ecstasy. Suffice to say, they were far too busy to pay attention to the humans who peeked out of their windows, made various squeaky noises and eventually called the cops. Within minutes, a cruiser pulled up and a cop got out and yelled at them. "Hey! What the hell are you two doing? Don't you know it's illegal for moose to mate on the street in Fairbanks?"
"Oooh," Buffy grunted as Spike pounded into her; It's OK, he's an elk, what do your laws say about that?
The cop (who, like all Alaskans, spoke fluent Moose) looked frantically in his book for any laws about public interbreeding between moose and other species, but finding nothing, had to settle for giving the Jeep a parking ticket and going about his day. Meanwhile, Spike and Buffy kept up their vigorous lovemaking, building towards a hock-trembling moosegasm.
When Buffy's mind cleared again, she got off the remains of the jeep and looked around. There was no sight of Spike, but he'd left a track of musk that spoke very clearly: Find me, Slayer.
Lonely calling or not, she had a feeling she would.
Last year I wrote Crumbs (BtVS/Hansel and Gretel). I didn't know if I was going to do anything for this year, the only thing I'm sort of working on at the moment is very non-joyous, but then I got into a discussion with
thenewbuzwuzz on her brilliant fic Haikus Illegal In Several States and got to thinking about weird US sex laws.So without further ado, here's Moose!Buffy/Elk!Spike smut. ...-ish. Consider that your warning.
Title: Yukon Ho!
Author: Beer Good (
beer_good_foamy)Fandom: Buffy, all-ungulate AU
Pairing: Spike/Buffy
Rating: R
Word count: ~1200
Summary: Buffy is a moose, Spike is an elk. Can they overcome the prejudice between their species and find true love?
Yukon Ho!
Buffy raised her front right leg to deliver the finishing kick, while the cornered wolf looked about in panic for the rest of its flock. Being the Wolf Slayer is a lonely calling, but moose are solitary animals anyway so it never bothered Buffy in the slightest. But just then the strangest thing happened; the wolf looked her right in the eye and grunted "STOP!" in Moose.
Buffy held back the lethal hoof at the last second. This was new. "Oowah", she barked; How do you speak Moose?
The wolf seemed to have exhausted his Moose vocabulary and just whined; Buffy didn't speak much Wolf, but she caught the gist of it. Work for Spike. Help trap hunters. Help kill.
Spike. That name again. She'd heard it around the forest, spoken in hushed tones among predators and herbivores alike, but never with any detail. She decided to get to the bottom of this. So she looked up her friend Willow, a slightly reddish moose cow who, true to her name, was gnawing the bark off a willow tree when Buffy found her.
"Errah?," Buffy asked; Have you heard of someone named Spike? (Moose is a very succinct language with many possible inflections.)
"Oorh," Willow grunted dismissively; They say he's an elk. Big bull. You know how I feel about those.
"Ruh," Buffy joked; Bulls or elk?
Willow grinned; Buffy, who had fought alongside her more than once, was allowed to joke about that. Elk and other deer was a touchy subject for her; she'd killed a young fawn once, and ever since, other deer species had it in for her. But Willow didn't know anything more about the mysterious Spike, and so Buffy continued on through the woods to see if she could find any trouble to get into - that always seemed to be the best way to get information.
Trouble found her soon enough. Just as she was casually chewing up most of a small birch tree, there was a bang and a bullet whizzed right past her head. She turned quicker than any other moose would have been able to and smelled her assailant: a human perched in the bed of a Jeep, frantically reloading his gun. She didn't hesitate and charged right at him. Being a cow she didn't have any horns, but horns or not, most people will run when 800 pounds of angry venison come running at them at 35 mph. The hunter yelped, quickly jumped into his Jeep and sped away. Oh no you don't, Buffy thought; she put her muzzle in the air, sniffed until she picked up his scent, and followed it.
She caught up with the hunter on the outskirts of the city the humans called Fairbanks. Buffy remembered the stories about how this had once been prime feeding ground for moose, until the humans put up houses and asphalt, and now her fellow moose were reduced to ... picking apples in people's gardens, apparently, judging by the one the hunter had stopped for. It was a bull about Buffy's age, seemingly without a care in the world, munching on apples hanging from a tree with no idea that the hunter was carefully taking aim at him.
Well, that bull might be an idiot, but even hot idiots... uh, even idiots have a right to live. Buffy snuck up on the hunter, and with one mighty kick sent him flying over the nearest fence, trailing various bodily fluids behind him and landing with a very satisfying crunch. (She really didn't like hunters.)
The bull looked up at the sound, caught her eye and grinned. Moose have notoriously bad eyesight, but thanks to her heightened Slayer senses she had to admit he was handsome, despite the strangely white fur on top of his head. He had a scar above one eye, a slender but muscular build, and carried himself in a way that somehow looked lazy and deadly at the same time. A large bell of loose skin and fur dangled under his chin (she was a sucker for a good bell) and while his antlers may have been slightly smaller than her previous bull Riley's had been, they were also not as annoyingly symmetrical and blunt; they looked sharper, wilder... more dangerous. He sidled over to her, spitting out an apple and grinding it out under his hoof.
"Ouwah," he grunted in a weird but totally sexy accent; Thanks for the assist, luv. Name's Spike. You'd be Buffy, right? Say, that's quite a hump on you.
Buffy snorted. Uh, thanks, I mean... You're Spike? You're the one who's been consorting with wolves, and ... Since when are you a moose anyway? Everyone says you're an elk.
"Erh," Spike responded; Same thing, innit. Bloody Canadians got it all mixed up back in colonial days. Elk is what we call moose back in Blighty. Some idiot saw one of them scrawny wapiti and called it an elk since he figured that was the American version of us, and then when they discovered there were proper Alces Alces runnin' around up here too they had to come up with a different name for'em and called you lot 'moose'. So what do you say, Slayer, you up for it? He dropped an apple in front of her.
She knew she was supposed to confront him about his unholy alliance with wolves, but killing things always made her hungry and horny and besides it was rutting season, so it wasn't really much of a debate. She snatched up the apple, let him see it roll over her tongue and swallowed it in one large bite before turning her hindquarters toward him and steadying herself against the jeep. He sniffed her nethers and gave it a long lick that made her shudder all the way up to her long, furry ears, mounted her and entered her in one thrust.
Oh.
Human language, alas, falls woefully short when it comes to capturing the feeling of two moose in the throes of sexual ecstasy. Suffice to say, they were far too busy to pay attention to the humans who peeked out of their windows, made various squeaky noises and eventually called the cops. Within minutes, a cruiser pulled up and a cop got out and yelled at them. "Hey! What the hell are you two doing? Don't you know it's illegal for moose to mate on the street in Fairbanks?"
"Oooh," Buffy grunted as Spike pounded into her; It's OK, he's an elk, what do your laws say about that?
The cop (who, like all Alaskans, spoke fluent Moose) looked frantically in his book for any laws about public interbreeding between moose and other species, but finding nothing, had to settle for giving the Jeep a parking ticket and going about his day. Meanwhile, Spike and Buffy kept up their vigorous lovemaking, building towards a hock-trembling moosegasm.
When Buffy's mind cleared again, she got off the remains of the jeep and looked around. There was no sight of Spike, but he'd left a track of musk that spoke very clearly: Find me, Slayer.
Lonely calling or not, she had a feeling she would.
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Though I have to admit that I've been thinking of writing Centaur!Dawn (from the S8 comics) / Firenz (Harry Potter) - unfortunately I'm really bad at PWP so I'll probably just post it as a challenge on Twisting the Hellmouth.
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Although I do swear I read a centaur!Dawn at some point, having found the above makes it harder to pinpoint.
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I looked through my s8 crack and I found Giant Dawn/The Pterodactyl From Torchwood, but no centaur.
Maybe Owen Thurman wrote some centaur fic? He had some good s8 crack.
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But hey, the more crack, the merrier! I honestly hadn't planned to make this very porny, until I somehow typed the word "moosegasm" and had to go with it...
Thanks!
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I can't believe you actually wrote moose smut. O_O This must be what people mean when they say Art is supposed to make one a little uncomfortable sometimes. It's... uncanny. And brilliant. Props for "shudder all the way up to her long, furry ears" and "hock-trembling moosegasm". XD
I love how much research you've done!! "A large bell of loose skin and fur dangled under his chin (she was a sucker for a good bell)" <- This, apparently, is what I look for in my Spuffy romance, from now on. Also this: "casually chewing up most of a small birch tree".
I'm glad Spike's called an elk because he's from Europe! It makes so much sense in the way of logistics and canon and everything. :D I was thinking about the elk/moose vocabulary thing after we talked, and I thought this kind of elk!Spike would be THE BEST, so yay.
Moose language might be my favorite thing in the entire story. XD
And Willow really shouldn't have killed that fawn! :D Love the reference.
Thank you again! What a great way to notice More Joy Day -- I'll see how I can pay it forward now. ^^
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Props for "shudder all the way up to her long, furry ears" and "hock-trembling moosegasm".
This ended up a bit smuttier than I'd planned, but once I looked at the screen and saw the word "moosegasm" typed out I just couldn't... not.
I love how much research you've done!!
Hey, why write crackfic if not as an excuse to read up on moose biology?
I'm glad Spike's called an elk because he's from Europe!
The non-difference between (EU) elk and (US) moose is a constant topic of discussion in Stand Still, Stay Silent fandom, so I had to make that a plot point. :)
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And it certainly made me more joyful. :)
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Yeah, I'm kinda disturbed at how well this worked. But hey, if it brings others as much glee as it did me, I won't complain. :)
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I love how it's basically got all the tropes of a Spuffy story but with moose. And I love that it was inspired by Buzwuzz's illegal in several states story! And moose!Buffy telling the cop that it's OK cause Spike's an elk is just icing on the cake.
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I may have had entirely too much fun finding ways to moosify different Spuffy clichés. :)
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