beer_good_foamy | Ficlet: Size Matters

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Ficlet: Size Matters

Hey, it's my first season 8 fic! I got the first issue of the comic and read it and liked it, but I must admit to thinking that Dawn's story is a little... hmmm... perplexing. So... before I get Jossed (and I REALLY hope I will be) here's the explanation for Dawn's predicament in the first issue of season 8.

Title: Size Matters
Author: Beer Good (

beer_good_foamy)
Rating: R
Word Count: 932
Spoilers: Season 8, #1
Disclaimer: I would like to publicly apologize to everyone in the entire world for this thoroughly repulsive ficlet. Especially to Joss Whedon, whose boots I am not worthy to lick and couldn't even afford to buy since I don't make any money off this.

Size Matters

"Hey, Dawnie." Willow entered the castle's basement and gazed up at Dawn, who was looking hugely embarrassed. (Emphasis on the "huge" part.) "How's my favorite Gargantuan?"

"What do you think?" The whale-sized teenager whined with the volume of a jet plane taking off. "I'm 100 feet tall and stuck in a cold frickin' basement. I'm just peachy."

"Well, then, we should do something about it, don'tchathink?" Willow walked up the stairs until she was on a level with Dawn's ginormous head, and got in Kind And Wise Supportive Adoptive Big Sister mode. "So... you slept with him, huh? This Kenneth guy?"

Dawn didn't look at her. "Yeah. But he didn't do this, I swear! It was all fine and good except then suddenly Kenny was really tiny and the room became really cramped and the walls burst and next thing I know I'm naked and big as a house and the whole campus is staring at me and I will NEVER EVER EVER go back there again... But it wasn't his fault!"

Willow shook her head sagely. "Dawnie, you mustn't blame yourself. Hey, family tradition... I mean when Buffy and Angel, there was the losing-his-soul, Xander slept with Faith and she went evil, and me and Oz had this whole giant killer snake thing... which I now realize sounds like a really icky metaphor even though it isn't, so you should probably just forget I said that. Point is, it never really goes well, and him being a thricewise -"

"But I don't even know what that means!"

Willow ignored her. "...him being a thricewise, it's not that weird that your first time would lead to some... big changes. We just need to figure out exactly what happened so we can find a way to get you back to, y'know, Dawnie-size."

"Uh... how 'exactly' are we talking about?"

"Well, I'm not asking for graphic descriptions, but the more I know..."

"Great," Dawn grumbled, blushing. "See, thing is... well..." She gestured wildly as she tried to find the right words, the draft from her giant hand almost knocking Willow off her feet. "Kenny, he... he wasn't really... technically... my first."

This was certainly news to Willow. "He wasn't?"

"No."

"But who..." Suddenly Willow sounded very guilty. "Wait, it wasn't Spike, was it? I-I know we left you two alone a lot when Buffy was... and him being a vampire... but we figured that with him having the chip and all, that there wouldn't be any... um... popping of anything..."

"What!?"

"Though I guess it would be poetic justice if it hurt him too –"

"I did NOT sleep with Spike!" Dawn stared at her in disgust, and the boom of her voice almost made Willow's eardrums explode. "And also, ewww!"

Willow quickly abandoned that line of questioning; even if you're one of the world's most powerful people, you don't really want to piss off a giant. "So who was it? I mean, if you feel like telling me..."

"Promise you won't hate me?"

"Of course I won't, Dawnie. I mean, unless it's Tara or Kennedy, but..." Her jokey smile quickly turned into suspicion. "It's not Tara or Kennedy, is it?"

"NO!"

"Fine, fine. Just asking." Willow picked herself up after sliding painfully down the wall Dawn's bellow had thrown her against, and shook her head to clear her ringing ears. "So who?"

"Well..." Dawn took a deep breath and stared at the floor. "Remember that night back in Sunnydale, just before the battle, when everyone was... I mean you and Kennedy, and Faith and principal Wood, and Xander and Anya, and you wouldn't believe what Vi and Amanda and Caridad were up to, and everyone was being very loud a-and we had thrown Buffy out and I thought we were all gonna die and he was just there, you know, and we were both scared and didn't want to be alone and stuff sorta... just... happened..."

"Oh, you mean..." Willow trailed off as she tallied up the number of males in the household at the time. "Oh. Um... Oh. Really? You and... uh... Oh. Um..."

"I mean, it wasn't even that good," Dawn sobbed. "And I know that he can't help the size thing and I shouldn't have said anything but it just kinda slipped out when... well... when he did. For the fourth time. He was panting about using the force and kept calling it his 'mighty lightsaber' and so I said it felt more like a penlight a-and I guess he didn't take it very well."

"Ouch. Big ouch." Willow shuddered as she tried to find a way out of the scary visual place. "But still, that shouldn't have..."

"He... may have used the W word." Dawn was bright red at this point. "As in 'I w-i-s-h your next boyfriend's... you know... feels ten times smaller than mine'. I guess maybe some vengeance demon or something was listening in and decided to make that happen..."

"Uh... yeah." Willow, too, was one big freckle of TMI-ness. "That... could probably do it. I'll look into it."

"You promise you won't tell Buffy, right?" Dawn pleaded. "She'd beat him to a bloody pulp and... I mean... it's not like he really meant it. He was just being Andrew..."

"Uh..."

"Please, Willow!" Dawn quickly reached out, lifted Willow off her feet and glared at her.

"Sure. Absolutely. Not a peep to Big Sis, nosiree."

"Thank you." Dawn put her down.

"Oh, no big... I mean... don't mention it." Please. Ever again. Willow quickly made her way out of the basement.

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ROTFL.... nice.

Heh, thanks!

*snork*

Did you ever read the Spike/Willow/Tara threesome story? I say "the" because it was the only one I ever could bring myself to read. Despite the typos and obvious plot cliches, it was pretty in character, and had a pretty funny bit that this reminded me of. Oh, "Bizarre Love Triangle" by Lovesbitca, that was it.

I hadn't read that before. I have now - hilarious, thanks for the tip. Sort of reminded me a bit of Private Conversations (http://mysticmuse.net/authors/cnwinters/privateconversations.htm) by CN Winters, although that one lacks the Spike it does take up the idea Willow suggests at the beginning of "Bizarre Love Triangle"...

(no subject)

frogfarm - 2007-03-19 19:09 (UTC) - Expand

LMFAO! Andrew?!! Poor Dawnie! Still, even after her first time she was cursed. Willow is funnily cute!

"Please, Willow!" Dawn quickly reached out, lifted Willow off her feet and stared her down.

I'd have peed my pants if I were in Willow's place.

Hey, if everyone else can pair Dawn up with Connor... at least she and Andrew know each other. And now, even in the biblical sense, haha. Thanks!

*giggles madly*

Heh, thanks! Love that icon, btw.

(no subject)

faith-chaos.livejournal.com - 2007-03-20 12:35 (UTC) - Expand

LOL! Poor Andrew. I can totally see him inadvertently wishing that on Dawn.

Wait, it wasn't Spike, was it?
This really did make me laugh! Willow is such a perv, to assume that right off the bat.

Well, it's not really what a guy wants to hear... ;-) And of course Willow's an enormous perv. Remember her crack to Buffy about "doing that thing with your mouth that boys like"? Thanks for reading!

LMAO
That's just . . .

Oh the images!

Thanks! *hands you some brain detergent*

(no subject)

shinodabear.livejournal.com - 2007-03-19 19:01 (UTC) - Expand

Undoubtedly much better than the real thing.

Well... I'd like to give Joss the benefit of a doubt. But... Giant Dawn?!? Oh well. Thanks!

*Snickers madly*. The perfect explanation!

Though I don't know what Andrew ever did to make you treat him so cruelly...

Thanks! And I don't really hate Andrew, but Joss made him some sort of superwatcher responsible for a bunch of Slayers and capable of tricking Angel and Spike... I'm just trying to add some balance here. ;-)

Oh, good lord that was fuuny. Although, truthfully, I think Andrew is way too gay to consider doing something like that.

Thanks! And yeah, Andrew is definitely gay - but he's also so deep in the closet he's practically living in Narnia. I'm pretty sure he was thinking of Spike the whole time. Or possibly Luke Skywalker.

Oh my god!!!! Wow that is just... wow. Very humorous way of explaining that plot twist.

Thanks! And hey, I'm sure Joss will come up with something better than this. Maybe. But maybe not. We'll see.

Shouldn't Andrew have been off trying to shack up with Spike on that last night?

Great explanation of the season 8 storyline though.

Shouldn't Andrew have been off trying to shack up with Spike on that last night?

See above re: Closet, In The. Also that river in Egypt. Besides, what do YOU think they were up to while they waited in that chapel all day for the sun to set? Andrew might be a little too ~~sore~~ tired to go Spike-hunting.

Thanks!

Bwahahahahahaha!

"his mightly light sabre"

*snorfle*

Hehe... Lucky for him he never really got as far as "Dawn... I am... your father..." o.O

Thanks!

By the way, you call this your "first season 8 fic", but surely you haven't forgotten your story about the poor junior Slayer wringing out Buffy's leotard after training and having her sweat air-freighted to Rome? That image is certainly branded into my brain, thankyouverymuch. :)

Hmmm... I do remember that one. I didn't write it, though. Can't remember who did right now, wasn't it someone over at

open_on_sunday?

(no subject)

stormwreath.livejournal.com - 2007-03-20 22:35 (UTC) - Expand

leotard wringing

ozma914.livejournal.com - 2007-03-20 10:53 (UTC) - Expand

I want that comic! We dont get it for another two weeks here. Ack! This is really good though, really good and I will re read it as soon as I have read the comic.

I'm so glad my friend put me on to your journal, you're awesome.

Well, there are other... less perfectly legal... ways of reading it before it reaches stores... *whistles innocently* Not that I'd recommend that, of course. Piracy is WRONG.

And thanks!

(no subject)

jaded-jamie.livejournal.com - 2007-03-20 16:27 (UTC) - Expand

Okay, now I understand why you apologized ... :-)
Actually, I keep thinking how Joss can't possibly come up with a better answer than this one -- although I doubt he could get away with putting this in the comic.

I'm not really clear on what he can and cannot put in the comics. Is it up to Joss or to Dark Horse how violent/sexy/foul-mouthed they can get? I mean, there's no FCC of comics, is there?

That said, I'm not sure I would WANT him to put NC17-rated Dawn/Andrew fumblesex in the comic, so... Thanks!

(no subject)

ozma914.livejournal.com - 2007-03-21 07:54 (UTC) - Expand

Oh good grief! Andrew and his
" mighty lightsaber" This is hilarious, thank you

Oh, thank you!

HEE!! Awesome.

Thanks!

Oh thanks for the laugh, that would so be Joss.

Glad you think so - thanks!

She had sex with Andrew?!!!

:Barfs:

I hope you're Jossed too (but in the meantime, funny).

Heh, thanks! Well, let's hope Joss has a better solution. Really. For all of our sakes. (Including Andrew's. I mean, when Buffy finds out...)

*so* good

Thanks!

Poor Dawn!

Bwa ha ha ha ha

Mine is an evil laugh

Loved it!

Thanks! Yeah, it's a horrible fate for Dawn... I feel dirty for doing this to the poor girl, frankly. ;-)

*Dies in a fit of giggles*

*raises you from the dead, skin and all*

Thanks!

(no subject)

rayruz.livejournal.com - 2007-06-08 13:10 (UTC) - Expand

Would you mind if I shared this and possibly "Dam It" on the next episode of my podcast?

Not at all, share to your heart's content! Thanks!

That was hysterical. Andrew and his penlight was extremely cruel. It's no wonder the W word was bandied about.

Thanks! Yeah, it's cruel, possibly more than Andrew deserves, but... hey, impending death situation, Dawn was a little on edge. ;-)

Laugh. My. Ass. Off.

Utterly brilliant.

Utterly.

Haha, thanks! *reattaches your ass*

(no subject)

snowpuppies - 2009-01-03 23:39 (UTC) - Expand

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