Script!

[beer_good_foamy]

It just occurred to me that I left something off my year in review post: Buffy Between the Lines, the fan audio drama! Over the year, I had one script (written in 2007) produced and broadcast for season 1 and wrote half of another episode for the ongoing season 2.

And since I haven't posted the script for the first ep I wrote here, I might as well. So this is episode 11 of Buffy Between The Lines, the penultimate episode of the season, in all its pre-produced glory. I'm pretty happy with most of it.

If you want to listen to the episode, it's here. And since it ends on a bit of a cliffhanger, the season finale is here.

Title: Oldies Night
Author: Beer Good
Rating: PG13
Word Count: Over 9000
Summary: Buffy Between the Lines takes place between seasons 5 and 6, tracking what happened with the Scoobies during the Buffy-less summer - Willow's descent into black magic, everyone dealing with their grief, deciding to raise Buffy, etc. At the same time, they have to deal with a new Big Bad - Javert, a vampire Spike once sired during a very drunken night in Paris, who's decided to rid the world of California once and for all and employed a few Sunnydale lowlives to help him out.

In the last episode, Javert kidnapped Dawn, who's been less than happy with the situation and feeling generally abandoned by everyone and a bit rebellious. Javert's plan for destroying California is nearly ready for execution, and the Scoobies have their hands full...

TEASER
Setting: The house.

Everyone speaking at once, all very upset.

WILLOW:
Gone? What do you mean Dawn is gone?

XANDER:
I mean not here, not in her room, not anywhere in the house gone.

SPIKE:
How the hell could you let this happen?!

GILES:
Spike, I think assigning blame can wait until -

TARA:
We need to find her!

XANDER: (sounding more anxious than his words)
Look, Tara, everyone, let's not all overreact at once. I mean, this isn't the first time Dawn has gone... missing...

SPIKE: (grim)
Right.

GILES:
Now, we don't know if she's really in danger-

ANYA: (actually worried, but she's still Anya)
Sure, Giles, but look at her track record. Every time she's gone missing so far, something has kidnapped and tried to kill her and/or end the world. Let's face it, Dawn attracts badness and is pretty much useless on her own, and -

XANDER:
Anya, that's- HEY!

MUSIC: Sudden dramatic suspense-y music

SOUND FX: Buffybot grabs Anya

BUFFYBOT: (NOTE: BUFFYBOT remains her usual cheerful self throughout.)
Dawn is my sister. I love her very much. You are not allowed to talk about her like that.

WILLOW:
Buffybot, put Anya down!

BUFFYBOT:
I am programmed to protect Dawn.

XANDER:
Anya isn't a threat to Dawn! Let go of her!

BUFFYBOT (still cheerful):
Dawn is my sister. She is a fictional being who was retconned into all our memories retroactively but we have all agreed that she is real. Therefore, by insulting Dawn she is hurting the fictional Dawn, who is the real Dawn, whom I will protect.

WILLOW:
Exit program!

BUFFYBOT:
ProtectDawn.exe may not be closed while in execution. OK.

WILLOW:
Uh... Control alt delete! Alt F4!

ANYA:
*choking sounds*

XANDER:
Will, she's choking Anya! DO something!

WILLOW: (desperate last-ditch effort)
Um... I THINK ANGEL'S REALLY HOT!

MUSIC: *screeches to halt*

*beat*

BUFFYBOT:
You are gay. Angel's lame. You are lying. You are smart. You are our boss. You tell the truth. Does not compute. You are lame. Angel's gay. Conflict error. *beat* I have encountered a problem and need to close. Sorry for the inconvenience. If I was in the middle of slaying, the person I was trying to save might be lost.

SOUND FX: Buffybot powers down

SOUND FX: Xander catching Anya
Silence except for Anya gasping for air

XANDER:
OK, that was... interesting.

WILLOW (nervous rant):
God, I really hate Bill Gates. Warren just HAD to make her Windows-based, and I mean, she's basically running DOS with a fancy-shmancy interface that they stole from Macintosh anyway, '64K should be enough for anyone' my ass, and...

XANDER:
Uh, Will...

WILLOW:
...y'know, with all the errors and the crashes and stuff, it's a miracle she hasn't come down with a virus yet...

TARA:
Willow...

WILLOW:
...because really, the last thing we need right now is for the bot to break down just when we have to find...

SPIKE:
That's all fine and dandy, but what about...

ALL AT THE SAME TIME (including Willow):
DAWN!

*slight pause before Willow slips into leader mode*

WILLOW:
Right. So, Dawn patrol. Xander, Anya, you check if she went back to Janice's -

GILES:
Janice is out of town.

WILLOW:
Just check, OK? Oh, and the Bronze too. Spike and Giles, check the usual spots; the Magic Box, the graveyards... If nobody's found her after that, THEN we start panicking. Sound good?

TARA:
And what are we going to do?

WILLOW:
I'm going to fix the Buffybot. If something's up, we're going to need her. ...It, I mean.

TARA:
Don't you think we should -

WILLOW:
Look, I'm worried too, but... Dawn isn't a mystical key anymore. Her blood doesn't open any portals or bring about apocalypses or attract hellgods. She's just a normal teenager who's out after dark...

XANDER:
...in Sunnydale.

WILLOW:
So were we, remember? (To Tara, softer tone) She's going to be fine, Tara. We'll find her, drag her home and, uh, ground her. 'Kay?

***

SETTING: Javert's lair

DAWN:
I mean, it's like they don't even want me around. I'm just this thing they got stuck with instead of Buffy and they're still all about her and couldn't care less about me, you know?

JAVERT:
Oh yeah.

DAWN:
I mean, half of them couldn't even be bothered to remember my birthday.

JAVERT:
Oh, don't start with me about birthdays...


THEME MUSIC


ACT 1
SETTING: The house

SOUND FX: Willow tinkering with the Buffybot – mostly typing on her laptop's keyboard, occasional clattering of tools, etc. Willow keeps typing in short bursts throughout most of the following conversation except where noted.

WILLOW: (muttering to herself)
...and... "Allow manual override with password"... C'mon, Rosenberg, think. That has to go in... this one? Or that one? Right, sure, cause you can never have too many dll files. (Sigh) Oh no, missy, don't you dare tell me to reboot before I've installed the new patch...

SOUND FX: approaching (soft) footsteps.

TARA:
Hey sweetie. I brought you some tea.

SOUND FX: Puts teacup down on table.

WILLOW:
Aw, thanks. But you didn't need... got my trusty coffee cup right here. Sorta need the caffeine right now.

*Beat*

WILLOW: (stops typing for a few seconds)
Look, about earlier... you know I was just saying that to crash the Buffybot, right? It was just this spur-of-the-moment deal and-

TARA: (a little amused, a little annoyed)
Willow, of course I know. I never thought any different.

SOUND FX: typing resumes.

TARA:
Has anyone, um, heard from Angel, by the way?

WILLOW:
Nope. Not a peep. Still doing the meditation thing, I suppose.

SOUND FX (if possible): Tara puts her arm around Willow, hand in her hair.

TARA:
Seriously though, don't you think we should... Wait, are you hurt?

WILLOW:
What? No, why?

TARA:
There's a bump on your head that wasn't there this morning.

WILLOW: (distracted)
Oh, that, i-it's... nothing. That voodoo priest guy bopped me in the noggin, but I did, uh, a healing spell on the way back. No big.

TARA: (hesitant)
Oh... um... well, that's good, I-I guess...

*beat* (Willow typing)

TARA:
Willow?

WILLOW:
Just a sec... *types*

TARA: (slightly agitated by now)
Look, Dawn's out there somewhere and something really serious could be happening to her! I mean, the last time she...

WILLOW: (stops typing, distressed)
Of course we should be out looking, but we're going to need the Buffybot too, which is why I have to fix her! I have to... I thought I got it right this time, but... (sigh) Tara, there's just so much that has to work, so much I have to...

TARA:
But you don't have to do *everything*! Willow, there's six of us here, and we don't expect you to have all the answers! Especially if we're going to do... I mean, if we're really going ahead with... I'm not going to let you carry all of that. You need to start letting us in.

WILLOW:
Let you in? We've told everybody who needs to know, we've agreed not to tell anyone else, how much more "in" is there to be?

TARA:
It's not just about telling people what to do, Willow, it's about sharing the weight. We are going to bring Buffy back. All of us. Together.

WILLOW:
Except I don't really see Xander performing the spell...

TARA:
And I don't want to see you burn yourself out! (Softer) Will, you've been doing a great job, but... you can't keep this up forever, it's killing you. And we both know there's a chance that the spell won't work -

WILLOW:
No.

TARA:
But -

WILLOW:
NO. That's not an option. I'm not – Ssssh! Giles is back.

SOUND FX: Door opening, closing

GILES: (off-stage-y)
It's just me.

SOUND FX: Giles comes into the room

GILES:
...and I found nothing except some parking teenagers in very foggy cars. Any word from the others?

WILLOW:
Nope. Nothing yet. I-is no news good news?

GILES:
For a young woman in Sunnydale at night? I'm sure...

****

SETTING: Downtown Sunnydale, street

SOUND FX: Street sounds (night)
SOUND FX: mobile phone ringing (old signal, remember? 2001)

MAN:
Yeah, Henry here. (...) Oh, hey babe. (...) No... (...) Look, I told you already that... (...) No, shut up, OK? I'm coming home when I'm good and ready. (...) Yeah? Well screw you, and screw your mom too. I've got better things to do than -

SOUND FX: faint dial tone

MAN:
Bitch.

ELIZABETH:
That's no way to address a woman.

MAN:
Oh, sorry. No offense, lady, I was talking to my wife.

ELIZABETH:
None taken.

MAN:
Wait, what - (screams)

****

SETTING: Javert's lair

DAWN:
So... do you do this a lot?

JAVERT:
Do I do what a lot?

DAWN: (not unkind)
You know. Kidnap innocent girls, lure them back to your evil stronghold...?

JAVERT:
Stronghold? (Laughs) Never heard it called that before. Not exactly the Bastille, is it? And no, of course I don't. I'd like to think I don't have to lure girls anywhere... I mean, I don't want you to feel like I'm... I don't know, (chuckles as if to say it's a ridiculous idea), holding you captured against your will or anything. If you want to go back to your family -

DAWN: (sullenly dismissive)
They're not my family.

JAVERT:
- whatever, just say the word and I'll make sure you get back safely. I just thought you wanted to hang out, that's all. But I can understand if this all feels a bit scary to you, I mean... vampire, crypt, forces of darkness all around...

DAWN:
Scary? Please. It's not like this is the first vampire lair I've been in, you know?

JAVERT:
Really?

DAWN:
Heck no. I used to hang out at Spike's all the time. Plus, oh, this one time I was held captive by this really bad master vampire and her minions – totally kept my cool.

JAVERT:
I bet you did.

DAWN: (Bragging like she's Braggy Miss Bragpants who happens to have something extra braggalicious to brag about today)
Believe it, mister. They had me in chains and everything and were going to hold me for ransom and, and torture me and kill me. Next thing you know – dust. And besides, I've been through a *lot* worse than that – hellgods, zombies, crazy monks, you name it. I even almost ended the world once. So really, vampires? You're not that scary.

JAVERT:
Oooh, you're almost scaring ME. Guess I better watch myself around you.

DAWN: (impressed her own self)
Oh yeah, you better keep your fingers to yourself. I mean, just because you think you've kidnapped me doesn't mean -

JAVERT:
Oh, absolutely. Like I said, if you want to leave and go home to your loving family again I'm not going to stop you. (laughs) Just don't stake me, OK?

DAWN:
Actually... if it's OK with you, I wouldnt' mind hanging around here a bit.

JAVERT:
Of course. Mon casa es ton casa... uh... or something like that. But where are my manners? Would you like a drink?

DAWN:
Sure. Not blood, though.

JAVERT:
Oh, of course not. I have... let's see...

SOUND FX: Opening fridge

JAVERT: (a bit embarrassed)
...well, Coca-Cola. I'm afraid that's pretty much the only non-alcoholic thing I have here... I mostly stick to Jack and Coke myself. So... either Coke or water for you, I'm afraid.

DAWN:
I'll... uh, have whatever you're having.

JAVERT:
You sure about that? I mean, your family probably wouldn't want you to drink bourbon -

DAWN: ("Fuck'em")
Whatever you're having.

****

SETTING: The house.

WILLOW:
There. Got it.

SOUND FX: Buffybot powering up

BUFFYBOT:
Password please.

WILLOW:
Snoopy dance.

BUFFYBOT:
The system has recovered from a serious error. Please tell Warren Meers about this problem. I have created an error report that you can send -

WILLOW: (talking over the bot)
Oh for the love of Steve Jobs...

SOUND FX: Hits a key on the keyboard very hard.

WILLOW:
OK, so the bot's A-OK again. I hope. Now we just have to wait for -

SOUND FX: Door closing

TARA:
Spike! Did you find her?

SPIKE:
Sort of. I'm fairly sure she's been in my crypt, but she wasn't there now. I lost her scent at Third and Wilkins. There was blood all over the place.

GILES:
Blood?!?

TARA:
Oh God... Dawn...

SPIKE:
Not *her* blood, you nitwits. Some vamp had himself a good ol' fashioned massacre downtown, but it wasn't Dawn; for starters it was all male.

GILES:
And you're absolutely sure it's not hers -

SPIKE: (Angry)
'Course I'm bloody sure! (Quieter, equal parts anger and grief) You think I wouldn't know? You think I wouldn't recognize her scent anywhere? It's the same as...

(FLASHBACK ("School Hard"), LOTS OF ECHO, BACKGROUND)
SPIKE:
Fee, fi, fo, fum, I smell the blood of a nice, ripe... girl. ...As a personal favor from me to you I'll make it quick. It won't hurt a bit.

BUFFY:
No, Spike. It's gonna hurt a lot.

(END FLASHBACK)

SPIKE: (Still quiet)
Not like I haven't smelled it before. Or caused it. (Pulls himself together) Look, I ain't sayin' Dawn's not in trouble, but so far there's nothing indicating she IS.

WILLOW:
Well, uh, Xander and Anya were going to check out the Bronze. That's pretty close to where you lost her...

SPIKE:
I doubt she'll be at the Bronze tonight. Least I hope she's not. Always vamps galore on Thursdays.

BUFFYBOT:
Oooh! I'll go! I can detect vampires by their fashion sense!

SPIKE: (dismissive)
Not on Thursdays, you can't.

WILLOW:
And I'm not sure we want you around innocent bystanders after what happened earlier, Buffybot. I need to run some tests to make sure you're a hundred percent.

TARA:
But-

WILLOW:
Won't take more than ten minutes, Tara. Better safe than sorry. No room for mistakes here, remember?

TARA:
OK. But what's so special about The Bronze on Thursdays?

WILLOW AND SPIKE AT THE SAME TIME:
Oldies night.

*****

SETTING: The Bronze

SOUND FX: Various Bronze chatter, people dancing, talking, drinking, etc.

MUSIC: I'm thinking two pieces of music here. First, the last 10-20 seconds or so (depending on how long the scene comes out) of "Wagon Wheel" by Lou Reed:
Wake me
Shake me
Please, don't let me sleep too long... etc.
Followed by the first 29 seconds or so of "Suffragette City" by David Bowie, which should have us conveniently leaving The Bronze on the line "This mellow-thighed chick just put my spine outta place".

(THE FOLLOWING CONVERSATION TAKES PLACE OVER THE MUSIC)

LAURA:
Jesus, I hate oldies night. I can't dance to this.

BECKY:
Come on, Laura, get down with your funky self! I thought you were going to make a move on Brian tonight?

LAURA:
He's on platform shoes, Becky. If he tries to dance, he's going to break something. Possibly whoever he's dancing with.

BECKY: (having fun with it)
Come on, don't be such a square, daddy-o, we got a gr-

LAURA:
If the word "groovy" crosses your lips I'll sew your bell bottoms shut while you sleep. See you back at the dorm.

BECKY:
Right on.

SOUND FX: Making her way through the crowd towards the exit.

SOUND FX: Bronze door closing, music quick-fade, Laura walking into the alley (high heels), running into...

MIKE: (slightly drunk)
Leaving already, babe? The night is still young...

LAURA:
Jesus, Mike, you scared me.

MIKE:
Awww, sorry about that. Maybe you shouldn't be out this late if you scare that easily.

LAURA:
No, just wasn't expecting to ever see you without your two numbskull friends in t-

RICH AND GUY 3: (both a bit drunk)
Heeeey!

LAURA:
Figures. Get out of the way, OK?

RICH:
Woah, what's the rush? We thought you might wanna join the party...

GIRL 1:
I said get out of my-

SOUND FX: scuffling.

MIKE:
Easy, easy, we're not gonna hurt you.

ALL THREE GUYS:
(Various little chuckles and "ow"s)

LAURA:
Hey, cut it out, guys, this isn't fun!

SOUND FX: Approaching footsteps, authoritative

ELIZABETH:
*clears throat*

GUY 3:
Hey, guys, we've got company.

ELIZABETH:
I believe the lady asked you nicely to let her go.

MIKE:
Take a hike, Blondie.

RICH:
Yeah, unless you wanna join us? The four of us were going to make it a private party, but the more the merrier...

MIKE:
Dude, I wouldn't touch her with a ten-foot pole. She looks pissed. I bet she's one of those fenimi... fimene... lesbians.

RICH:
Nah, man, she's a Christian, see the -

GUY 3:
Look, we're not hurting anyone. We're just having a bit of fun with... sorry, what's your name again, sweetheart?

LAURA: (pissed off)
Laura, and -

GUY 3:
...Laura here. I mean, look at how she's dressed, you know she came looking for a party, right?

ELIZABETH:
All I know is it never seizes to amaze me how dense you men can be. But if that's what it takes...

SOUND FX: vampface

MIKE:
Oh... man, what's wrong with her face?


ACT 2

SOUND FX: Fighting. And not of the Xander-vs-Harmony kind; violent, painful, and NOT a fair fight. MIKE and GUY 3 are dead within seconds. End with Elizabeth slamming RICH up against the wall.

RICH: (scared witless)
Oh god... please... we were just going to have a bit of fun... I mean, Christ's sake, we know her, kinda, we weren't really gonna do anything...

ELIZABETH:
What's your name?

RICH:
R-Richard...

ELIZABETH: (grimly professional about it, no hint of kindness though)
A pleasure, Richard. My name is Elizabeth. Listen, now that we've been formally introduced, I'm sort of new in town and I could really use some information, only it seems the tourist information office has closed for the night. Bad luck, huh? So I thought maybe you could help me out.

RICH:
Look, I swear I don't know any-

SOUND FX: Something cracking

RICH:
Aaaah... no, please, I'll do anything, just stop...

ELIZABETH:
Oh, goody. I'm looking for someone. Tall, dark, broody, avoids daylight, name of Angelus. You wouldn't happen to know where he is, would you?

RICH:
Look, lady, I've never heard of... you've got the wrong... I mean I'd love to help you out but -

ELIZABETH:
Oh for crying out loud. You're the fourth man I've asked tonight and nobody knows anything. Isn't this guy supposed to be a high-profile master vamp?

RICH: (sobbing)
I-I really don't -

ELIZABETH:
Oh, hush.

SOUND FX: The ol' bite-and-drain. RICH is now pinin' for the fiords. Elizabeth starts to walk away.

LAURA: (shocked)
You... you...

ELIZABETH:
Me, me...?

LAURA:
You k-killed them...

ELIZABETH: ("no big deal")
Oh, you're welcome.

SOUND FX: Walks off, leaving Laura sobbing.

****

SCENE: Javert's lair – or rather, some sort of outside room to it.

JUSTIN:
Look, I'm not ungrateful to Javert or anything, but I'm starting to think this minion thing is seriously overrated. He's in there with a hottie and we're -

JINX:
You would dare to question our glor- uh, radiant leader?

JUSTIN:
Woah, Jinx, I'm not questioning anything. I'm just saying I thought this was a team effort, you know? What happened to sharing? We've been keeping a low profile like he asked, and we're living off homeless people while he gets to keep all the tasty ones for himself.

ZACK:
Dude, Justin, were you not paying attention earlier? The boss needs a willing sacrifice for the big wham-bam. So he needs to convince her, right? And no girl ever did anything with you willingly -

JUSTIN:
Oh, listen to Zack Casanova talking. We both know I could get action while you're still practising your pick-up lines...

ZACK:
Sounds like a bet to me. Care to put your mojo where your mouth is?

SOUND FX: Justin and Zack start walking away. Their voices fade.

JINX:
Please, wait, there is still research to be done!

JUSTIN: (off-camera)
Bronze?

ZACK: (off-camera)
Eww, on a Thursday?

JUSTIN: (off-camera)
What, afraid of competition from the 30 plus crowd?

ZACK: (off-camera)
Not really, they're usually after the same grandmas you're into...

SOUND FX: Door closes or something.

JINX:
And once again, it is up to Jinx to do the actual work. (sighs) A minion's work is never done.

****

SCENE: Outside

SOUND FX: Street (night), walking

JUSTIN:
Oh man, Zack, I'm gonna get so lucky tonight you won't believe it.

ZACK:
That's right. I won't believe it. Remember that time a few months ago when you tried to get with that chick and she kicked you in the-

JUSTIN:
You still don't get it? We're vampires, buddy. Girls dig us. We can pretty much do whatever we want to and...

SOUND FX: Casual steps from the other direction (What supposedly happens is Elizabeth steps out of an alley in front of them. Can we do that in any meaningful way?)

JUSTIN:
Hey, we've got company.

ELIZABETH:
Well, well. Look what we got here. Juicy young fledglings.

JUSTIN: (dismissive)
No offense, lady, but you're not really our type. 10 years ago, maybe, but -

ZACK:
Dude, she's one of us. She's a vamp.

JUSTIN:
Oh. Right. *awkward pause* So... how's tricks?

ELIZABETH:
"Tricks"?

ZACK:
Sorry, we're kinda new at this... nice running into you and all, but we sort of have plans?

ELIZABETH: (condescending, seen-it-all)
I know your plans. To use. To dominate. To perpetuate. To torture those weaker than you until they apologize for existing, then turn them into monsters like yourselves.

JUSTIN:
Well... we ARE vampires, and – WOAH!

SOUND FX: Elizabeth jumps them, knocking ZACK into the wall, pinning JUSTIN to the ground.

JUSTIN:
OW! Get off me!

ELIZABETH:
Let me see... no. (to Justin) You! Stay down or I'll stake both of you. I'm going to ask you a question and you better have an answer for me: Angelus. Big master vampire. Supposedly hanging around these parts. Where. Is. He?

JUSTIN:
Angie who? Lady, I don't know what you're- OW! Leggo!

ZACK:
Wait, wait, hold on, OK? Um... I remember something...

ELIZABETH:
Do you know him or don't you?

ZACK:
Promise to let us go if we tell you?

ELIZABETH:
Depends on what you have to say, doesn't it?

ZACK: (talking quickly)
OK. So there's this guy named Spike, right? Big vamp around here, only he's kinda switched sides right now. Our boss mentioned something about Spike's sire being this Angelus.

*beat*

ELIZABETH:
Keep talking.

ZACK:
Well, he's hanging around with these people...

****

SCENE: The house

SOUND FX: Phone rings, is picked up

BUFFYBOT:
Hello! This is Buffy. I am a perfectly normal human girl.

DAWN (on phone):
Hey, Buffy, this is Dawn. I just wanted to call and say I'm at Lisa's – you know, my friend from art class? I'm really sorry about not calling before, but we didn't realize how late it was and they're letting me sleep over here. So you can tell the others I'll see you tomorrow, OK?

BUFFYBOT:
I'm glad you have many different friends, Dawn. You are my sister. But I have been instructed not to let you do that without talking to the girl's parents first.

DAWN (on phone):
Oh. Uh... sure... (whispers something unintelligible to Javert)

JAVERT (on phone with VERY unconvincing "adult" American accent – imagine a guy who owns TWO Volvos):
Uh... Hello. This is Lisa's Dad. The girls are having a slumber party here, and that's A-OK with me and the little lady.

BUFFYBOT:
Oh. Alright then. Tell Dawn to have a nice time.

DAWN: (whispering)
He's African-American!

JAVERT (on phone):
Oh... uh... fo shizzle.

SOUND FX: Hanging up.

****

SCENE: Javert's lair
Throughout this, Dawn is ever so slightly tipsy.

DAWN: (laughing)
What the hell was that?

JAVERT:
What? You said...

DAWN: (laughing)
Yeah, but... he's a friggin' lawyer! You be trippin' if you... (calms down) GOD, we're white. I'm sorry, where were we?

JAVERT:
Uh, Paris. Me being sired.

DAWN:
Right. So, he just turned you into a vampire and then left you to take care of yourself?

JAVERT:
Pretty much. I had to find out a lot of things on my own, and there's a lot of misinformation out there... (embarrassed) I started out by reading "Dracula". It said vampires couldn't cross rivers and I believed it, so I was stuck on the left bank for three weeks until I fed on a wino, fell in and washed up on the other side. I hate Bram Stoker.

DAWN:
That sucks. I mean, I know you guys don't have souls or anything, but... I mean, he could at least have left you some instructions or something. (giggles) You're, like, "The Greatest American Hero". With fangs. And without the 80s hair. (Beat. Waits for reaction. Gets none. SINGS:) "Beeeelieve it or not..."

JAVERT: (so not getting the reference)
Uh... whatever, it's cool. Once you get used to it, being a vampire is nothing but fun. I mean, let's say, just hypothetically, if you were a vampire, you could... what? What's wrong?

DAWN: (wary)
You wouldn't... um... turn me into a vampire, would you?

JAVERT: (friendlier than ever)
Dawn... Didn't I already tell you? I won't do anything that you don't want me to. You have nothing to fear from me. *beat* Of course, if you do want me to... I mean, it just hurts a little, and it's always better when it's someone you trust -

DAWN:
I said NO.

JAVERT:
OK, see, I totally respect that. *beat* But at least tell me why not?

DAWN: ("Duh")
Well, for starters, there's the dying? Plus, the killing-all-my-friends-and-family thing... (slightly gloomy) The ones who are still alive... I really don't think I wanna do that.

JAVERT:
Fine, even if it sounds like they haven't treated you half as well as you deserve, but... it's not like you have to be evil just because you lose your soul, just like you're not automatically good just because you've got one. Being a vampire just means you're powerful; what you do with that power is up to you, really. Surely not every vampire you've ever come across has been all "I'm an evil mastermind out to destroy the world", right?

DAWN:
I... guess not...

***

SCENE: Downtown Sunnydale

SOUND FX: 2 people walking down the street

XANDER:
You're sure you're OK? *beat* Honey?

ANYA: (a bit curt)
I'm fine, Xander.

XANDER:
Yes, because the three words you've spoken since we left the house were practically bubbly with joy.

ANYA: (snark city)
Well I'm sorry if my almost getting choked to death by a glorified dildo put a dampener on our otherwise fun-filled evening. Next time we go looking for Dawn's exsanguinated corpse, I'll bring party hats.

*beat, continue walking*

ANYA:
I'm sorry. That was out of line even for me. But we're on thin ice here, Xander, and it's not getting any thicker. We're supposed to be bringing Buffy back from the dead and -

XANDER:
Ssssssh.

ANYA:
Right. That's a big secret, hush. And we don't talk about secrets, do we? You know, back when I was a demon, we were encouraged to be proactive, to seek out wronged women and get them to talk to us. Now, it seems we just sit around waiting for something to go wrong before we act. Or until Willow decides it's time to act.

XANDER:
Willow knows what she's doing.

ANYA:
Maybe. But do we know what she's doing?

XANDER:
She's trying to bring Buffy back. I would have thought that would be a good.

ANYA:
But do you know how much can go wrong, Xander? How much power it takes to pull off something like that, how many tiny little things have to come together just right? People being pulled out of hell dimensions is a walk in the park. You know, if the park is in Sunnydale and it's after midnight and there are monsters everywhere and you're not a vampire slayer but just another human who can go missing or get captured by a voodoo priest or choked by an insane robot and every step could be your last. That kind of park.

SOUND FX: they stop walking

XANDER: (tender-ish)
I'm worried about Dawn too. But we're going to straighten this out. Together. We'll get Dawn back, we'll get Buffy back, and you and I will spend the next 50 years annoying each other. How's that sound?

SOUND FX: kiss

ANYA: (reluctantly, worried)
All I'm saying is, if Willow can't even get the robot to work, how is she going to get the real Buffy back online?

XANDER:
I don't know. She just... Wait. Did you hear something?

ANYA:
What?

XANDER:
In that alley.

SOUND FX: LAURA sobbing

SOUND FX: footsteps echoing (alley)

XANDER:
Hey, are you ok- holy moly.

ANYA:
Well. Someone had fun. One... two... two and a half... three bodies.

LAURA: (hysterical, sobbing)
Please... don't hurt me...

XANDER:
Don't worry, you're safe. What's your name?

LAURA:
L-Laura...

XANDER:
OK, Laura, we're going to get you out of here. What happened? Did you find them like this?

LAURA:
No, they were... they were horsing around and I was telling them to stop and then she came along and...

XANDER:
Who?

GIRL:
This woman, and there was something with her face... on her cheek, and then her eyes... oh God... I told them to stop and sh-she tore them apart...

ANYA:
But she left you alive. That's a plus, right? Most vamp-

XANDER:
*clears throat*

ANYA: (snarky)
...most gang members on PCP don't leave witnesses.

GIRL:
She kept... she tortured him. She wanted to find someone, and he didn't know, a-and...

XANDER:
She was looking for someone? That's bound to be good. Was there a name?

GIRL:
I-I don't... um... J-Jellus something.

XANDER:
Oh no.

ANYA:
What?

XANDER:
"Angelus"?

GIRL:
Uh... yeah, how did you know?

XANDER:
Educated guess.


ACT 3
SCENE: The house/kitchen

SOUND FX: Distant birdsong, indicating early morning. Perhaps a coffee machine bubbling.
SOUND FX: walking into kitchen.

TARA: (sleepy)
Morning, Giles.

GILES:
Good morning, Tara. You're up early?

TARA:
Couldn't sleep. Willow only turned in a few minutes ago. She could barely stand.

SOUND FX: Pouring coffee

TARA:
Did you get any sleep?

GILES: (chuckles joylessly)
No. It's 2 PM London time... I suppose I'm readjusting.

TARA:
So you're really going?

*beat*

TARA:
It won't be the same without...

GILES: (tired)
It isn't the same. Every day here is... (sighs)

*beat*

GILES:
You're worried about Willow.

TARA: (reluctant)
Yes.

GILES:
She's under a lot of pressure, Tara. But Willow is... I've known her since she was 15 years old and she's never ceased to surprise me. She may not look it, but she's one of the strongest persons I know.

TARA:
I know. It's just... God, I feel awful saying this, but... I-I think maybe that's what worries me.

SOUND FX: Door slamming, Anya and Xander enter

XANDER:
We've got trouble.

TARA:
Trouble? Dawn is safe at-

XANDER:
Not Dawn. There's a new big bad in town.

****

SCENE: Sewers

SOUND FX: Sewers. Y'know, echo, dripping water, scuttling rats, etc.

JUSTIN:
Look, uh, Elizabeth, as long as we're stuck together here, just the three of us...

ELIZABETH: (witheringly)
What?

JUSTIN:
Oh, nothing.

ZACK:
What Justin meant was, we'd be a lot cosier back at our place. We've got blood, we've got video games, and -

ELIZABETH: (taking no guff)
We will wait here until it's dark. Then you will show me to Angelus' friends and help me take them down. When I am satisfied, I will NOT kill you. That's the deal. OK? *beat* Now, tell me about this boss of yours.

ZACK:
Uh... you're not going to try and stop him or anything, are you? Because he's promised us -

ELIZABETH:
Answers like that, for instance, do NOT satisfy me.

JUSTIN:
So right now, he's talking to this girl...

****

SCENE: Javert's lair
Dawn is rapidly progressing towards that lovely state known as "drunk" at this point. Slurry speech, maybe hiccuping once or twice, etc.

JAVERT:
A refill? To toast the new day?

SOUND FX: pouring liquid in Dawn's glass

DAWN:
Mmm. This is... like... this is the best drink ever. Seriously.

SOUND FX: stomach growling

DAWN:
D'you have anything to eat around here, though?

JAVERT:
Sure. I have... well, of course I don't really eat, but... ah! (triumphant) Potato chips!

DAWN: (enthusiastic)
Oh, goody!

SOUND FX: opening bag, munching

DAWN:
Don't you want any?

JAVERT:
Actually, I think I'd rather have some of my, uh, personal selection...

SOUND FX: Opening fridge

JAVERT:
... I mean, if you don't think it's repulsive to watch me drink blood?

DAWN: (who keeps munching potato chips now and then throughout)
Oh, go right ahead. I've seen Spike drink it, like... tozens of dimes. (giggles) Wait, did that come out right?

SOUND FX: pouring

DAWN:
Ewww, you acsh'ly put bourbon in it?

JAVERT:
Of course, what kind of gentleman would I be if I let you drink alone? Salut!

SOUND FX: both drink

JAVERT:
Oh, that's good. *beat* (little bit wicked) You want a sip?

DAWN: (not unkind)
OK, I know the answer to this one: NO. I am so not drinking human blood.

JAVERT:
Oh, this isn't human.

DAWN:
Why not? I thought you were supposed to be bad? Yer disappointing me.

JAVERT:
Well, I'm not saying I don't drink human blood now and then, but variety is the spice of life, right? You don't eat the same thing every day, do you?

DAWN: (shruggingly agreeing, munching chips)
Mhmm.

JAVERT:
Well, neither do vampires. I come from the homeland of fine wine and cuisine, remember? Animal blood is... well, it has a different bouquet, less nose...

DAWN: (mischievous)
Even skunk?

JAVERT:
Le pew? Surprisingly tasty. I believe in trying anything at least once. You're not a vegetarian, right?

DAWN:
No, but...

JAVERT:
Well, blood is just another part of an animal. Like a burger, only a hundred times better. But hey, if you're not up to it... leaves more for me. I just thought you weren't afraid to try new things.

*beat*

DAWN:
's really not human?

JAVERT:
Cross my heart and hope to die.

DAWN:
Well... I guess... hey, wait a minute! (giggles) You're already dead!

JAVERT:
Figure of speech. Swear on my own grave. Is that better?

DAWN:
Muchly. It helps with the... whatchacallit... uh... trust.

****

SETTING: The house

BACKGROUND, in other room: Willow talking on phone, mostly "Uh-huh", "OK", "And what...", "Yikes", etc.

GILES:
So, Xander, this vampire had a cross on her face?

XANDER:
That's what the girl said. How is that even possible? Wouldn't that hurt her?

GILES: (wrinkled brow)
It depends... a cross is more than just two intersecting lines. It usually takes an actual crucifix to... I wish I had my books here. There's something about this...

SOUND FX: Enter Willow, interrupting, slightly hypercaffeinated.

WILLOW:
OK, so I just got off the phone with Wesley, and we're in luck, well, as lucky as you get in cases of mass murder at least. They came up against something like this a while ago so they'd already done the research. The cross on her cheek is something of a giveaway. Seems there was this vampire named, uh...

SOUND FX: shuffling papers, as she keeps doing throughout this monologue

WILLOW:
...Penn, who liked to torture his victims by carving crosses into their faces. Wesley thinks she's one of his victims... uh, I mean, WAS one of his victims. Y'know, before she started making her own. From what he could piece together, I mean Wesley, not Penn, her name is Elizabeth Casey and she was killed after a women's rights rally in 1929. She was something of a public figure when she was alive, big cheese in the suffragette movement, so it was pretty well-publicized when she died and people still kept seeing her afterwards. Wesley thinks she's responsible for a number of... uh...

ANYA:
What?

WILLOW:
You'll like this, Anya. She only picks male victims. And, apparently, kills them slowly.

ANYA:
Huh. Isn't that something.

XANDER:
Well, she wasn't working slowly last night. There's the three in the alley, the five in the adult book store, a couple more around town... What I don't get is why she would be looking for Angel?

*beat*

WILLOW: (awkward)
Penn was...

GILES: (realizing)
He was sired by Angelus, wasn't he?

WILLOW:
Yeah.

SPIKE:
Wait, you mean this bint's my... uh... cousin?

GILES:
There was a passage in one of the old watcher's diaries that mentioned... Apparently Angelus, uh, found religion for a while; tortured his victims by carving crosses into them before killing them. I've never heard of this Penn character, though...

WILLOW:
I don't think we need to worry about him. Wesley said he was dust. But I guess he must have given her Angel's name.

XANDER:
So basically you're saying this is all Angel's fault?

WILLOW:
Xander, no! I mean... I s'pose, in a way, maybe, but...

XANDER:
OK, I'd hate to say "I hate to say I told you so, but I told you so" so I'm just going to come right out and say it: I told you so. Scratch long enough at a problem, whaddyaknow, Broody McForehead had something to do with it.

SPIKE:
The boy finally talks some sense.

WILLOW: (losing temper)
As nice as it is that you two finally agree on something -

ANYA:
Well at least THEY don't think Angel is hot, Willow.

The following exchange should be VERY quick:

XANDER:
Uh...

SPIKE:
Right.

XANDER:
Yeah.

SPIKE:
Absolutely.

XANDER:
No way.

*Slightly awkward pause*

WILLOW:
So -

SPIKE:
At least the fruit of my loins seems to have some sort of plan, as opposed to just killing random blokes.

GILES: (deadpan)
His plan is to destroy California, Spike. As far as we can tell, with you in it.

SPIKE:
I didn't say I approved of the plan, alright? Still... have to give the young scallywag props for having a goal in death.

GILES:
Yes, far too many young people nowadays lose themselves in sex and drugs and rock and roll rather than plan ahead. Now can we please get back to dealing with this insane vampire running around town murdering innocent men?

ANYA: (huffs)
Pfh.

GILES:
I'm sorry, Anya, do you have something to contribute?

XANDER: (protective)
Leave her alone, Giles. Anya...

ANYA:
Fine. Vengeance bad. I know.

WILLOW:
Well, now that we've -

ANYA:
Besides, two of the guys in the porn shop were frequent Magic Box customers. She's costing me money. See? Not hating men.

WILLOW:
So, right, we're gonna... I mean... (sighs) OK, people, ideas. What do we do?

****

SCENE: Javert's lair

DAWN: (sniffing glass)
So what kind of blood is it? Pig?

JAVERT:
Yeah... (under breath) Mostly. (Normal tone) Just take a swig, see how you like it. I promise, it's a rush you won't forget.

DAWN (giggly):
OK, but if it makes me hurl, I'm so gonna do it aaaall over your couch.

SOUND FX: drinks

PEPPY FEMALE VOICEOVER:
One drink without so much rat in it later...!

DAWN: (still a bit giggly but also slightly sickened)
Oh... eww. That was totally gross.

JAVERT:
Come on. Don't tell me you don't feel how it tingles, how it warms you up...

DAWN: (trying not to burp)
Yeah... but I think that might be the whiks... the whish... *hic* the bourbon. Woah.

JAVERT:
But you feel it, right? (moving in closer, seductive) Blood is life, Dawn. When you share someone else's blood, even if it's someone dead... they become part of you. What they did in life becomes yours. Everything they felt, everything they believed in, everything they stood for, just... fills you, becomes one with you. They died to give you life. That's where the power comes from, Dawn; from knowing that you've absorbed, risen above... what?

DAWN: (queasy)
Nothing. I just... I don't feel too...

JAVERT:
Is it the blood? Because -

DAWN: (starting to fall apart a bit)
Would you please stop talking about blood? I-it's always got to be blood and power and, and death with you people, and it's... I mean...

JAVERT:
Hey, easy, easy. Are you OK? (chuckles) I think you may have had a little much to drink...

DAWN: (sobbing now - remember, she's drunk)
I just... I miss her so much, Javert. She told me that I was supposed to live and... but all the others are moving on without her and you've been so nice to me and I'm sorry for turning all sobfest on you but it's... I just wanna not think about it and I just can't, I can't...

JAVERT:
Ssssh. There. Don't cry. *beat* (softly) You know, it doesn't have to hurt like that...

****

ACT 4
Setting: Downtown Sunnydale
Note: Obviously, Buffybot remains cheerfully oblivious throughout.

SOUND FX: Street, downtown, day, 2 people walking

BUFFYBOT:
This is a very strange way to patrol for vampires.

TARA:
You mean, because of the daylight? Well, Buffybot, if we can find her before sunset, maybe we can...

BUFFYBOT:
No, Tara. I mean that it's just you and me. It's very nice of you to come along, though.

TARA:
I just needed some air.

BUFFYBOT:
Yes. All humans need air. But you never come patrolling with me unless Willow does.

TARA: (slightly amused, but not paying very close attention)
I'm not, uh, much of a demon fighter...

BUFFYBOT:
Don't be afraid. I've been programmed to protect you at all cost. You are the awesomest sweetest prettiest kindest hottest woman in the entire world and nothing bad should happen to you ever again.

TARA: (paying attention now, slightly creeped out)
Uh... um... thanks? (realizing) Wait, Willow programmed you to say that, right?

BUFFYBOT:
Not exactly. I've been designed to learn from the one I belong to and think what they want me to think. First Warren and Spike told me what to think and so I thought Spike was incredibly sexy and wanted to do everything to please him. Now Willow tells me what to think and so I protect you and Dawn and Xander and sometimes Anya and Giles. And the world, since I am the Chosen One. I alone have the strength to fight -

TARA:
But you're not - don't you want anything yourself?

BUFFYBOT:
Of course. I want to make people happy in the way they want me to make them happy. *beat* Oh! There's Willow! She's your girlfriend. Now we are all happy.

SOUND FX: Footsteps joining them.

WILLOW:
Hi guys. Um, Buffybot, could you go on without us?

BUFFYBOT:
Of course!

*beat*

WILLOW:
Oh, right. Buffybot, go on without us.

SOUND FX: Buffybot walks on, Tara and Willow stay where they are

WILLOW:
Uh, she's something, isn't she?

TARA:
She's some... thing. *beat* I never really thought about... She really thinks she's Buffy, doesn't she?

WILLOW: (sadly)
She... It... I don't think she thinks at all, really. It's more like... she picks up on what people want from her and just kinda, well, agrees with them. She knows we need Buffy, and... she tries. But she'll never be... (sighs) Logical and brown-nosy was sort of the exact opposite of Buffy, y'know?

TARA:
Yeah.

WILLOW:
Look, about what you said earlier...

TARA:
Willow, you don't need to -

WILLOW:
No, I do. You were right. It's just... there's so much happening right now and... the last thing I want to do is push anyone away, especially you. So just... (smiling) well, I'm, uh, issuing an open invitation to yell at me anytime I start acting all big butch boss bitch, and I promise to remember about doing all of this together... 'kay?

TARA:
Together.

SOUND FX: kiss (brief one)

WILLOW:
Now let's go get that vamp. And after we get Buffy back, you and I are gonna go on a looong vacation. I think we deserved a break.

****

SCENE: Javert's lair
Dawn's mood is basically in the toilet throughout. Plus, y'know, drunk.

JAVERT:
There. Feeling better, Dawn?

DAWN: (a bit snotty and sickly – she's been throwing up)
No.

JAVERT:
No? Because I'm pretty sure you got everything out of your system... and don't worry about the carpet, stains don't matter to the undead.

DAWN:
No, I-I mean... not the puking, the... this... (sob) They hate me, Javert. She died because of me and... they hate me for it.

JAVERT:
I'm sure they don't. How could anyone hate you?

DAWN:
How could they not? I mean, what good am I compared to a slayer? I just feel so... y'know...

JAVERT:
...guilty?

DAWN:
I... I guess. Maybe.

JAVERT: (VERY sympathetic and smarmy here)
Well... I wish I could tell you it will get better, Dawn, I really do. Truth is, I wouldn't know. When you lose your soul... all of those things go away.

DAWN: (not TOO enthusiastic, but not exactly repulsed either)
Really?

JAVERT:
Sure. Guilt, grief... you still know what they are, but they don't hurt anymore. It's like you're set free from all of that. Everything gets so much easier. *beat* Do you want it to stop?

DAWN:
I... I don't...

JAVERT:
Ssssh. I told you, I won't do anything you don't want me to.

DAWN:
But you mean it would really...? 'Cause I...

JAVERT:
...shouldn't be making big decisions when you're this drunk. Tell you what, you lie down here on the couch and get some sleep and we'll talk when you wake up, OK?

DAWN:
OK. Promise you won't leave me?

JAVERT:
I'll be right here. Now sleep.

*beat*

DAWN:
Javert... Thank you.

JAVERT:
For what?

DAWN: (drifting off)
For... carin' an'...

SOUND FX: snoring

****

SCENE: Downtown Sunnydale

SOUND FX: Street (night)

XANDER:
So... sundown. And no sight of maneater-vamp yet. (nervous laugh) Anyone got a dress I can borrow?

ANYA:
You can wear mine again.

WILLOW:
"Again"?

XANDER: (you can actually HEAR him blushing)
Oh... uh... there was a... um... fancy-dress thing...

ANYA:
Anyway, if she keeps killing my customers, the Magic Box will have to file for chapter 11 pretty soon and then we'll have to share clothes to save money.

GILES:
File for what?

ANYA:
Bankruptcy. God, you don't know anything about running a business, do you?

WILLOW:
Guys – over there!

JUSTIN & ZACK: (distant, acting decoys, jumping up and down etc)
Hey! Over here! Vampires here! Sucking innocent blood unless somebody stops us! Boooo!

BUFFYBOT:
Vampires! I will slay them!

SOUND FX: Buffybot takes off running

WILLOW:
No, wait... uh... so what do we...

SPIKE:
After her!

SOUND FX: Everybody follows, running into an alley (slightly more echo).

WILLOW:
Where'd they go?

TARA:
They must have jumped that fence...?

XANDER:
OK, so we're in a dead-end alley, the Buffybot is nowhere to be seen... Please don't tell me we just fell for the oldest trick in the book and Elizabeth is right behind u- *choking noise*

MUSIC: Same suspensey type music as in the teaser – not throughout, though. This should ideally play as a serious counterpart to the funny in the teaser.

ANYA:
Xander!

ELIZABETH:
Hold it right there, girl. If any of you, especially the vampire, comes ONE step closer I'll snap his neck like a twig.

WILLOW: (deadly calm à la "Weight of the World")
Don't move a muscle, Spike.

ELIZABETH: (dismissive)
So this is the little demon fighting club? Fighting to maintain the male-dominated status quo?

GILES:
What? We don't -

ELIZABETH:
Of course you do. Let's see, you're still working for one of the Watchers, so there's the whole patriarchy right on your shoulder, your best soldier is an undead murderer with more young women on his conscience than the entire Kennedy clan, and your best weapon is a toy designed to give men sexual pleasure. Wow. Girl power.

SOUND FX: Xander choking

ANYA:
You're choking him!

ELIZABETH:
Why yes, I am.

ANYA: (genuinely scared)
Please! You can't kill him, he's...

ELIZABETH:
Oh trust me, I can kill him in a million ways. Right now it will take him minutes to die. Enough for you to tell me where Angelus is.

WILLOW:
Why -

ELIZABETH: (angry)
Why the hell do you think? I spent my life trying to make this a better place for the weak and downtrodden, and along comes psychovamp and turns me into a monster? You think I don't want him to pay? And don't give me any psychology; I've just been killing my sire over and over again in every man I've tortured to death, bla bla bla, figured that out years ago. It still needs to be done.

SPIKE:
But you enjoy it, right?

ELIZABETH:
That's not the point! The whole system is the point. Standing up and fighting the power. I've been hunting Angelus for years, and you will tell me where to find him if you want this maggot to live.

SOUND FX: Xander choking
MUSIC: perhaps "The Good, The Bad and The Ugly", just a few bars to get the showdown feel?

SPIKE:
Alright, cuz.

WILLOW:
Spike, maybe -

SPIKE:
No harm in tellin' her. He's in Tibet.

ELIZABETH:
What?

SPIKE:
Tibet. Himalaya. Brooding on a soddin' mountaintop while the rest of us get to clean up his mess, i.e. you. Now you want to put the boy down and take your righteous self over the ocean, hire yourself a yak and some sherpas and go looking for him. Make sure to wear something warm.

ELIZABETH:
No. *beat* No. You're lying. Trust a man to -

SPIKE:
I haven't been a man for a long time, pet. And I don't care for our grandad any more than you do, why would I lie to save his arse?

ELIZABETH:
You! Sobgirl! Is he telling the truth? And believe me when I say your boyfriend's life depends on the answer.

ANYA: (almost hysterical)
Y-yes, he is... And I-I understand about the vengeance, really, but... please don't hurt Xander.

ELIZABETH:
Huh. *beat* Oh well. I'll just kill him and be off, then.

ANYA:
NO!

WILLOW: (vicious)
You don't want to do that.

ELIZABETH:
Why not? You couldn't even keep your local wannabe vamp from kidnapping your littlest damsel, what do you think you can do about me?

TARA:
What?!

ELIZABETH:
You don't even KNOW? Javert has... whatshername, Dawn. His idiot minions told me everything he's planning, including where he is. I bet he's killing her, or worse, as we speak. So you can waste time trying to get me to spare this one's life, or you can -

WILLOW:
No. No deal. Put him down or you're dead.

TARA:
Will-

ELIZABETH: (confident)
Oooo, what are you going to do, turn me into a toad? Tell you what: let me have this one and I'll even help you stop Javert and get your little girl back. I know what he's got planned, and it's not exactly childplay; you're going to need power. Well, that always comes at a price, little girl, and this is the one I'm charging.

WILLOW:
I said NO.

ANYA:
Please -

TARA:
Look, l-let's all just-

ELIZABETH:
Oh well. Suit yourself.

SOUND FX: vampface

WILLOW:
DON'T TOUCH HIM!

SOUND FX: huge magic thing, basically flamethrower
SOUND FX: Elizabeth dusting

ANYA:
Xander!

SOUND FX: Anya runs to Xander

XANDER: (very hoarse)
I'm OK, Ahn. Medium rare and eyebrow-free, but... jeez, Will.

TARA:
Willow...

WILLOW: (riled)
What? She was going to kill Xander! What were we supposed to do, vote on it?

TARA: (despairing, not taking the bait)
He has Dawn. And, oh God, we still don't know how to stop him, where he is or i-if she's even alive...

****

Setting: Javert's lair

SOUND FX: snoring.

JINX:
You summoned me, oh most seismological one... uh... maybe we should talk outside in case the girl wakes up? She has, after all, laid eyes on my wretched mal-shaped form before, and may not take kindly...

JAVERT:
She's asleep, Jinx. And as much as she drank, I don't think she'd remember you even if she did wake up. So do we have everything?

JINX:
I believe so. The sacrifice is ready to proceed any time you wish.

JAVERT:
Excellent.

JINX:
It is indeed a most joyous occasion, one which will gather you great reputation and, if I may be so bold as to add a personal note, redeem this poor creature for my own shameful failure towards my previous master. Just... please do not think me impertinent, oh earthshaking-in-spe one, but you're sure you're up to sacrificing this... particular young woman? Because it's, well, harder than it looks.

JAVERT:
But surely circumstances are different this time?

JINX:
Oh, it's true, how very perceptive of you. But... if I understood correctly, you and the young lady got on rather well. You do realize that if she is sacrificed, there will be no opportunity for you to turn her into a dark-yet-luminescent being such as yourself?

JAVERT:
True. A pity. *beat* Oh well, c'est la mort, can't be helped. Believe me, when I'm done, I shall have my pick anyway... Can you imagine what it will be like? No more Hollywood, no more 90210, no more Fresno wine, no more Baldwin brothers, no more valley girls, no more Eagles reunions, no more Botox-tasting blood, no more inner-child-hugging, no more aspiring script-writers... Plus, millions of starving ex-Californians setting up refugee camps along the beach of... uh... (snickers) Arizona Bay. That's what I call a buffet. Did you know that vampires don't need invites for tents?

JINX:
In your infinite wisdom, you have seen fit to tell me this 14 times already, and I never grow tired of hearing it.

SOUND FX: Slaps Jinx's shoulder.

JAVERT: (enthusiastic, almost slipping into Evil Overlord mode)
We shall thunder, Jinx. We shall shake the heavens and the earth. (*tender*) Oh, Dawn, if you only knew what your sacrifice will bring. I think you'd be impressed.

SOUND FX: Dawn snoring unevenly. Fade.


END EPISODE WITH THEME MUSIC AND CREDITS AND STUFF