Shelf!verse interlude

[beer_good_foamy]

Inspired by gabrielleabelle's post on Buffyverse characters writing fanfic, here's a long overdue installment in the shelf!verse, in which our intrepid heroes find themselves trapped in the world of fiction.

Title: Shelf Life – part 4
Author: Beer Good (beer_good_foamy)
Fandom: Buffy s5-ish/Harry Potter (well, sort of)
Characters: Ensemble
Word Count: ~700
Rating: PG13 (possibly R if you're sensitive to the F word).
Summary: You take one Magic Box, one brand-new shelf of fiction, one spell gone slightly wonky, and suddenly our heroes find themselves fully booked. Geddit? Booked? Well, you will.
Previous parts here.

Book The Fourth: In Which Scotland Is A Silly Place

"So where the fuck are we now?" Buffy threw her arms up in frustration when they suddenly found themselves standing on a green, rolling hill, surrounded by other green, rolling hills.

"I'm honestly not sure," said Giels. "If I were to hazard a guess, I would venture to suppose that our location would be situated somewhere in the vicinity of Scotland, but I dare say I don't offer any books set in the Highlands as part of my assortment of..." He trailed off. "What an odd sentence. I don't sound like that, do I?"

"Just keep telling yourself that, G-Man," said Zander before quickly taking on the same puzzled expression that Giels was wearing. "Um... Giels? Why am I mispelt?"

"I..." Giels took off his glasses and started to clean them as he ansered him, then stooped and tried in vein to put his hands on his face. "Good lord. I'm... a completly onedimensional parody of myself."

"And why the fuck would we go to Scotland?" Buffy demanded. "I mean, what's in fucking Scotland?"

"Language, Buffy," Giels admonished.

"What the fuck do you... Fuck!" said Buffy – who suddenly felt like calling herself Raven - and stroked her black hair with pink hilites. "I'm completely fucking out of fucking character!"

"I like money and sex," said Anya.

Willow pulled Dwan aside. "Um, Dwanie? I know it's kind of a secret and all, but... you didn't happen to have some of your fanfic in your backpack, didya?"

"Right," scoffed Dwan. "As if I can't spell any better than..." She stooped and pointed. "Ooooh! I know where we are! That's Hogwarts!"

Willow, despite the severity of the situasion, couldn't stop a huge grin from spreading on her face (A/N: I know, where else would it spread, right, lol) as she saw the wizarding school loom into view on one of the green, rolling hills. "That's... OK, that's actually sorta cool."

"But that's inconcievable," Giels ejaculated. "The spell, as it were, don't you know, in a matter of speaking, old bean, only affected books in my store... I mean shop, and I wouldn't sell that Scottish woman's books if you paid me to."

"That is the definition of selling something, you know," scoffed Anya with what was supposed to be a sideways glance at Giels, but failed since she could bearly see him. "God, you really are one-dimensional. I like money and sex."

Willow raised an eyebrow in Dwan's direction, who blushed bright red.

"OK, when I said I didn't have any of my fanfic with me... um... I'm sort of betaing something for Janice, and... oh, hey Janice!"

Janice was indeed running towards them, dressed in something that looked like an English school uniform, because Scotland is in England, except that there was no way that skirt was regulation length. "Oh, hi guys! It's like, totally awesome that you're here," she exclaimed, jumping up and down in excitement so much that her iPod flew out of her pocket. "We're having the big graduation ceremony in a couple of days, and Ginny is totally messing everything up. We hate her, don't we? Anyway, I'm Hermione Granger, and -"

"No you're not," Dwan interruped. "You're Janice."

"No!" The impossibly beautiful yet tragically flawed Janice stomped her foot. "I'm Hermione!"

"You're writing a self-insert again, aren't you?"

Terra pointed over Janice's shoulder. "Uh... a-are H-Harry a-and D-Draco d-doing w-what I-I th-think th-they're d-doing?"

"Shut up!" Janice/Hermione yelled. "It's a beautiful thing! They're fated to be together! You're just a homophone!"

"Um..."

"Buffy... I mean Raven? Any ideas?" Zander prodded the Slayer, who was too busy pulling at her hair and listening to My Chemical Romance to notice. The carpenter would have asked the Watcher, except the Englishman had now turned completely one-dimensional and was only bearly visible as a line muttering various polite phrases.

"I like money and sex," said teh ex-demon.

"Ooooh! I have an idea!" Willow started rooting through her bookbag, which had conveniently appeared, and finally found a bunch of pens in different colors. She handed the red one to Dwan. "Here, Dwanie. Go nuts."

As Dwan sighed, grabbed the pen and started betaing the world (How does she do that, exactly? Show, don't tell), Willow turned to Terra Tara. "Now who's quirky, hmmm?"