Dawn of the dead - annotated version
Jan. 1st, 2005 11:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
beer_good_foamyYes – it’s the adventures of Vampire Dawn! Done as a series of quickly read 100-word drabbles, because... well, I’m lazy, dammit. And also because it's fun to see just how much plot I can concentrate into 100 words. Crossover with Angel s3.
Now with running commentary, as per request from![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
sl_podcast. If you haven't read the original version you should probably start with that one, though.
Pairings: Spawn, Spuffy, Spangel, basically Spanythingthatmoves. There's some hinted-at Dawn/Drusilla naughtiness too. Also: my first Clem/Buffy pairing!
Chapters: 48 (short ones)
Rating: PG13 (some language and violence, but all in good fun)
DAWN OF THE DEAD
Background: This started out as the first few drabbles, which I posted to slayerfanfic.com and got a very good reception for, and people kept demanding more... so part of the credit belongs to all those original reviewers.
The idea seemed so obvious I'm surprised that there doesn't seem to be any other fic out there with the same idea and title. There's plenty of VampWillow, VampBuffy and VampFaith fic out there, but... *shrugs*
I'm not sure at what point I decided to make this a complete season rewrite, but once I did, it was a lot of fun to keep the silly angle and still try to sneak in all the plot and character arcs to some extent; Buffy is still suffering from severe post-Heaven-syndrome, Willow still has to tackle the magic bit, Dawn is still needy as hell - only with VampDawn as a catalyst, all that gets a different focus. The hardest thing about writing parody is to exaggerate the characters just enough, so they are still themselves only more so - not remove the serious bits, but make them funny.
1. Dear Diary
Author’s note: We pick up at the beginning of season 6, shortly after “All The Way” ends in a slightly... different way. With Dawn being vamped. And wackiness will hopefully ensue.
Dear diary,
Me and Justin totally hit it off yesterday. He's, like, the best kisser ever. And then we did the other thing, and when I woke up he was there waiting for me, which was so romantic. But then, of course, my sister had to show up and stake him. Bitch. First she was going to stake me too, but then she got all weepy and stuff and just beat me up and chained me in the basement. That was kind of cool of her, I suppose, though I could so kick her ass if I wanted to.
- Dawn
2. Decisions
So, Dawn's a vampire. Must be Tuesday.
Everything explained, the scoobys all sat around trying to absorb the shock.
"So do we kill her?"
Everyone glared at Anya, except Xander who seemed to take a sudden interest in the floor. Buffy finally sighed. "No."
“But she’s evil, isn’t she?”
“It’s different, Anya. She’s my sister. I died for her. I can’t just... I can’t. There’s gotta be some way I can help her.”
Anya nodded. “Well, it's nice to know that if anyone you know turns into a demon, you’ll try to help them first before you go into slay mode.”
“Uh... yeah." Buffy looked uncomfortable. "Exactly.”
Obviously harking back (or forward) to Buffy's quick decision to kill Anya in "Selfless".
3. Loose
You should make 'em wear a sign.
Giles walked in, very upset – hair on end, pale, cleaning his glasses. The library probably got a website, Buffy thought.
Any chance to poke fun at Giles. I always write him much too serious otherwise.
"Giles, I have to tell you something. About Dawn."
"You bloody well better! How could you do that to your sister? I know she's whiny, but chaining her in the cellar?"
Uh-oh. "You didn't... set her free, didya?"
"’Course I did! I've half a mind to call social services this instant. I'll just... faint first... blood loss... catch me." Giles hit the floor with a distinct thud.
“He’ll live. OK, search party. And I’ll kill anyone who...”
“Yeah, we know.”
Anytime Buffy gets all pompous I'm-The-Slayer-and-you-will-do-as-I-say, you know the scoobies are rolling their eyes.
4. Dear diary, Part II
The journals of a teenage vampire, continued.
Dear diary,
Giles tasted a lot better than I thought, considering how old he is. Then he had a cross, which was less fun, but at least that’s one fashion accessory I’ll never have to wear again. Like, totally 80s. This is gonna be so cool. I can almost lift cars. Compacts, anyway.
But MAN, I’m hungry. I thought drinking blood would be gross, and it sorta is, but somehow that just makes it better. Gotta find some more. I wonder what happened to Janice? It would be cool if she got vamped too so we could hang out.
I was originally going to put Janice in this, but... didn't pan out. As much as I love Amber Tamblyn, Janice is just not all that interesting as a character, the little we see of her.
- Dawn
5. Defeat
Xander REALLY needs to learn some kung fu.
"So, did you find her?
Xander looked at Buffy. "Uh... "
("Dawn...?" His voice shook with fear.
The vampire smiled down at him – evilly, she hoped – then ran her fingers along his jawbone to the pulsing vein in his neck, licking her lips. "What, sweetie?"
"Dawn."
"Yeah, what?"
Xander was still dizzy from the beating, but pointed at something. "DAWN."
"WHA... oh, shit." Dawn let go and ran for cover from the rising sun, smoke trailing behind her.)
Yes, it's a drabble based entirely on a pun. Love puns. Embrace puns. Also, Dawn trying to be evil-sexy is a hoot, IMO; she was always a big klutz at heart.
"Nope. Didn't find her. And she definitely didn't beat me up and almost f... kill me. 'Cause, you know, Dawn couldn't do that."
6. Ah, young love.
Underage vampire sex ahoy!
"Niblet... stop. We can’t."
"Why not? Two vampires, forced to stay in this crypt all day... and I'm not watching 'Passions'." For vampires, Dawn had discovered, half of the hungry-and-horny problem took care of itself after a kill. But only half.
"It’s wrong."
"'Wrong'? Jeez, you sound like Angel."
"I do NOT! (Because, you know, Spike doesn't really like Angel. Riiiiiight.) But... you're not her."
"Did you miss the whole the-key-is-made-from-the-Slayer's-blood-and-if-one-starts-bleeding-the-other-has-to-die-to-close-the-portal thing? Technically, I AM Buffy. I think. Close enough to avert apocalypses, at least. And if you won't sleep with me, I'll spend all day trying to explain how that worked."
Anyone who's spent time on Buffy discussion boards will, after a while, probably chew their own foot off rather than have to explain exactly how that thing with the portal in "The Gift" works. Also, here's to Microsoft Word, which counts hyphenated words as ONE word. It's saved my ass from the 100-word limit more than once.
Spike shuddered. "No... please... anything but that."
7. Guess who’s coming to dinner
Of COURSE that's a Black Uhuru reference.
Taking out the trash.
For a while, I had this habit of killing Warren in every fic I wrote. No matter when, where and how it took place. I once had him run over by a car and subsequently eaten by a badger, that's still my favourite, but this is pretty good too.
Buffy helped the shocked boy sit down and handed him a towel to wipe off the blood. "Jonathan, slow down. Breathe. What happened?"
"It was... Dawn. She killed him."
"Who?"
"Warren. We were planning... playing video games in his basement, and..."
"...You invited her in?"
"We didn't know she's a vampire, and she's kinda hot... I mean, Warren thought so", he added when he saw Buffy's look. "She just... ripped his throat out, it wasn't even sexy."
Of course Jonathan would have expected a vampire bite to be all Anne Rice (or "Graduation Day") - improperly erotic and stuff.
"I ran, and Andrew hid in the closet."
Riiiiight.
"Andrew...?"
"Tucker's brother."
Had to get a Tucker's brother joke in there.
"Oh." Buffy slammed the door as she left to find her sister.
8. Sibling rivalry, Part 1
The morning after the night before.
The crypt door flew open, revealing a very pissed-off slayer. "Now, see, this isn't happening. If it was, I'd have to kill everyone here including myself. And that's getting old."
"This isn't what it looks like." Spike felt Dawn giggle under him. "OK, it's exactly what it looks like. But her being evil and all..."
"Spike, get off my sister."
"Oh, he already has, sis – twice!"
Again, I love wordplay. Outtake version: "Spike, get my sister ofnyeeeeeeaaaachh! I mean, get off my..."
Dawn jumped up to show her sister what a little vampire strength could do... but got tangled up in the sheets and was easy prey for Buffy.
"OK, you are SO grounded, young lady!"
9. Support the Head
"I could be the one to look after her sometimes ..."
This little chapterette is actually pretty touching, I think. Support the Anthony Stewart Head, of course, since he doesn't get much to do in this fic, but also a few nods back to "Weight of the World" (Buffy with Baby Dawn) and Buffy and Joyce in the hospital before surgery.
Giles was still loopy, but with three pints of fresh AB- in him he felt much better. Sunnydale Hospital had pretty much stopped asking what happened when someone wanted a blood transfusion. As he got out of the taxi, he saw Buffy walking up to the house carrying a body-shaped object wrapped in sheets.
"Oh God, is she..."
"...dead", obviously. At least I hope it's obvious.
"No. Well, yeah, she's a vampire, but she's just unconscious. I..." Buffy's voice broke. "I promised Mom I'd take care of her."
Giles put his hand on her shoulder and smiled reassuringly. Then he looked at Spike's sheets. "Those stains...?"
"DON'T ask."
10. Slipprier than a greased weasel
Which is what souls are, according to Richard Wilkins III (RIP). As Dawn is about to prove.
So how do you keep a pet vampire?
Buffy explained her plan to the gang and a safely tied-up Dawn.
"But I don't WANT a soul."
"No one cares what you want, Dawnie, you're evil. I know three ways to deal with vampires: stake, soul, chip. I could call Riley and have the Initiative turn you into the six million dollar vampire, ask your boyfriend what that's like."
I like that Six Million Dollar Man reference there. Sounds like something Buffy might say.
"Ask yours what... oh, wait, I get it. This soul thing is so you can have sex with me, right?"
This is of course pre-"Wrecked", so it's way back when Buffy only had sex with souled vampires.
Everyone stared at Buffy, who turned beet red.
"Boy, that's all vampires think about, huh... um... Willow, how's your Romanian?"
11. Belly rumblin’s
...as in what Dawn gets when Willow and Tara fight.
Yes, the magic-as-drugs-metaphor is silly.
One reviewer thanked me for "putting Tara in her place" here. I didn't like this chapter very much after that; that's REALLY not what I wanted to do. Sometimes I wish people would keep their thoughts to themselves.
The idea here - in as much as I had any deeper idea than "magic-is-drugs metaphor? Silly!" - is more along the lines that, well, part of Willow's problem is that she's got all this black magic that she used to fight Glory and bring back Buffy, and then season 6 is all about ordinary life again and she has no outlet for it. She is, to quote a phrase, "bored now". It's like having Ritchie Blackmore in your band and suddenly deciding that you don't need any guitar solos on this album - he's still going to want his own jet plane. And so I put her to work.
"Tara, I have to do this. I have to help them."
"No! No more spells! Willow, don't you see that you're using too much majick? I'm sure you think you're doing it to help people, but you'll end up hurting - "
I wish I had come up with an even sillier way of spelling "magic". It's M-A-G-I-C, people, just like everybody except Andrew and certain romance novelists spells "vampire" with an I. Terry Pratchett once had a bit about "vampyres are just like vampires, except they can't spell". Sorry. End possibly misguided rant.
Willow opened the door so they could hear the commotion downstairs.
"Back, demon! Get back in the name of GYAAAGH!"
"Stop hurting Xander! Get your own fiancé!"
"Dawn, you let go of Xander's neck this instant! WILLOW! How's that soul spell coming?"
Willow closed the door again. "Sorry, you were saying...?"
Tara sighed. "Nothing. I'll get the crystals."
12. Dear diary, Part III
The journals of a teenage vampire, continued.
Dear diary,
Day 3 with a soul, and it's still yawn-o-rama. I know I'm supposed to feel sorry for killing Warren, but nobody really seems to miss him. Except Andrew, but he's still refusing to come out of Warren's closet. So the only difference is that I'm drinking pig's blood – yuck. There must be some way around that. (I'm pretty sure pig isn't koscher; gotta ask Willow about converting.) At least they don't keep me chained up anymore.
I always wondered about that. There are fics in which VampWillow is "tame" - what the hell does she drink?
Anyway, gotta go. B said something about me getting a visitor today. I hope it's Spike. I'm getting kinda antsy.
Yes, of COURSE that's an American Pie reference.
- Dawn
13. Brooding 101
Learning from the master. Except, you know, not The Master, because he's dead.
ANYTHING to make fun of Angel.
"OK Dawn, lights off, good. Now, furrow your brow and think about people you hurt. Try to feel really bad. It often helps to imagine something they loved doing, and will never do again because of you."
"Angel, I'm 15. I already know how to feel miserable."
"Teenagers sulk. Vampires brood. It's a completely different –"
Riiiiiight. Because in one, you sit alone in your room, pouting and thinking about what's wrong with you, and in the other... well... uh...
"I ate ONE geek! And... nibbled on Giles. Really not dying of guilt here."
"You had sex with Spike!"
"Right, like you haven't."
"That's... not the point. (Riiiiiight.) You need to learn this. Let's try it again: furrow your brow... no, without going into vampface..."
14. Bite your tongue
Angel almost spills some beans about secrets old and new. Mmm... beans.
Following Dawn's lesson, Angel and Buffy had a talk.
"So how are you holding up, Buffy?"
"Not so much with the ha-ha... I can't believe this is happening. Why would she... anyone sleep with Spike?"
"Well for one thing, he's..." Angel caught himself. "I have no idea. (Riiiiiight. Are we foreshadowing yet or what?) But w-she was evil at the time, remember."
"Angel... are you blushing?"
"Of course not. Vampires don't... Gosh, is that the time? I better go."
"Couldn't you stick around a while? Please?"
"I can't, I have to change diap... uh, demons. Chase... demons." Angel gave a confused Buffy a quick hug and left.
First sign that this is a crossover. Angel rushing home to change diapers is almost as much fun as the idea of Cordelia making Angel buy tampons.
15. Breakfast of champions
Damn, that’s one ineffective soul spell.
Buffy had cried all night. She'd had enough; torn out of heaven, Dawn a vampire, Angel leaving again... still, she came downstairs for breakfast, and found Willow wearing her bad-news-I'm-afraid-face.
"Bad news, I'm afraid. Dawn and Spike have... y'know, again."
Buffy sighed resignedly. "Well, they're both vampires, and he does love her. She's way too young, but..." Buffy grimaced. She's not getting any older.
"But there's more. Dawn... kinda lost it. Her soul, I mean."
I wish I could have made this longer. The obvious joke is that Dawn "lost it" the FIRST night with Spike and... oh well.
Orange juice spurted out Buffy's nose. "You're saying... sex with Spike equals perfect happiness?"
"Evidently."
"Huh." She pondered this. "I'm going out for a while."
16. Grins of a sad person
Sleeping vampires are kinda cute.
Shortly after dusk, Tara spotted Xander carrying an unconscious Dawn up the driveway and ran out to help him. "Where did you find her?"
"Curled up under a trailer at the building site. Thank God for tranquiliser darts."
There may have been some vague parallel here about "building site" - "Wrecked". I don't remember.
"Did she... k-kill anyone?"
"I so don't want to know. Where's Her Slayerness?"
"She ran out when she heard. Willow was afraid she was going after Dawn... oh, here she comes. Buffy? You OK?"
Buffy walked up the drive slowly, limping a bit, looking dazed. She barely glanced at the others, just went upstairs, smiling deliriously.
Xander frowned. "OK, that was weird."
17. Confess, woman! Confess!
Buffy in the comfy chair. Or, you know, bed, whatever.
Of COURSE that's a Monty Python reference.
Willow found her friend lying flat on her bed. "Buffy? Everything alright?"
"Oh, I feel great", Buffy beamed, still somewhat dazed. "I'm loose as a freshly juggled goose."
Of COURSE that's a Firefly reference.
"Juggled...?"
"Pop culture reference. Never mind. So, what's up?"
"Well, I've re-ensouled Dawn, but... what did you do with Spike?"
Buffy jumped up and stared at her, babbling. "Me? Did? With Spike? Nothing! That's ridiculous! You've got a dirty mind, Willow Rosenberg, and..."
"What? I just wondered if you poofed him. Is he dust?"
"Oh. Um... no." Buffy calmed down. "But, Dawn's perfect happiness problem is taken care of. Personal slayer guarantee."
One of my favourite jokes in s7 is the one where Buffy's big plan for fighting The First involves googling the word "evil". I picture the same look of proud achievement on her face here.
18. Well, who does nowadays.
Quoth Buffy after... uh... taking Caleb for a little trip to the vet. I love that line.
Hell hath no fury like a brat scorned.
"NO, Dawn. I said no and I meant it." Spike pushed her away.
"Oh, right. The 'it's wrong' speech again? Been there, done you."
"Actually, your sister came by earlier. Gave me a right bloody talkin' to, basically boiled down to one more strike, I'm out. Though the exact preposition she used was 'off'." Spike winced and unwittingly covered his crotch. "Next time you lose your soul she might not be so forgiving."
Buffy's line here would be another one of those you couldn't quite get to say on TV...
"C'mon, you know Buffy, she's just jealous and... Spike?"
"Yeah?"
"Are those her panties on that lamp?"
"Uh..."
"Oh, that's it. Soul or not, she is DEAD."
19. Sibling rivalry, Part II
Fight! Fight! Fight!
Buffy's bedroom flew open, revealing a very pissed-off Dawn.
"OK, sis, that's it. I'm throwing down! Welcome to Summerslam!"
"Summerslam" is courtesy of fellow fanficcer Axel Osbourne, who suggested it in a review of the previous drabble. Apparently it's a wrestling term. I like it.
And it was on, with the kicking and the punching and the scratching and... you know what chick fights look like. It took them an hour to realise they were evenly matched (possibly because of the whole made-from-the-same-blood deal) and call a truce, according to which Buffy got Spike during daylight and Dawn at night. Also, Spike would have to nail pictures of sad puppies to his ceiling to ensure Dawn was never perfectly happy. (Buffy preferred it on top anyway.)
20. I read the news today, oh boy
Of COURSE that's a Beatles reference.
Just an idyllic Sunday morning in the Harris/Jenkins household.
Xander chuckled as he read the paper. "You know, Ahn, I can't believe what people tell themselves to explain all the stuff that happens here. I mean look at this: 'Doris Kroger, long-time employee of Sunnydale Social Services, was found dead last night', yada yada yada, blood loss following a neck wound. Police have ruled the death a... wait for it... gardening accident. What is she, a Spinal Tap drummer?"
I love "This is Spinal Tap". Then again, gardening accidents are all the rage among drummers. But I do feel a bit bad for Doris here, so I wrote another drabble in which she gets to live.
"Huh. Where was this?"
"Let's see... about... two blocks from Buffy's house."
"Wasn't Dawn evil yesterday?"
"Right, honey. Like Dawn would eat a dry old social worker? She's too spoiled."
21. Repeat ad nauseam
A soul makes you want to be nice to people on Sunday mornings.
Buffy yawned as she entered the kitchen. "Morning, Dawnie. Whatcha doin’?"
"I thought I’d fix breakfast for everyone."
"What’s wrong with Giles?"
"Stomach flu, I think. Anyway, hope you like this, I call it Eggs à la Dawn."
"Interesting taste..."
"Yeah, see, I’m trying to put some variation in my diet. So I mixed eggs, ketchup and a quart of blood, fried the sucker up and... Buffy?"
(...)
Tara yawned as she entered the kitchen. "Morning, Dawnie. Whatcha doin’?"
"I thought I’d fix breakfast for everyone."
"What’s wrong with Giles and Buffy?"
"Stomach flu, I think. Anyway, hope you like this..."
I always felt this drabble might have been clearer - that everyone eventually forms a line to the bathroom to barf their guts out. Oh well. I like it.
22. Once more, with killing
Sweet the musical demon and Vampire Dawn do a duet at the Bronze.
- ‘Cause I know what you feel, girl
- On the whole
I've got soul
Then again, you're not human
- I'll make it real, girl
- Sure, you're cute
But that suit
Went out with Harry Truman
I love that "not human/Harry Truman" rhyme.
- I'll take you right back through my portal
I've been looking for a queen who's immortal
- Wedding bells?
That sounds swell,
But the truth is I'm starvin'
- Hey, let go of my neck, little Missy
No more biting, I'm getting dizzy...
- That was nice
Demon Spice
Tasted better than Warren -
I don't love the starvin'/Warren rhyme. But Dawn supposedly has a mouth full of blood, so she slurs a bit.
"Oh crap." Dawn burped. "Funnest demon ever, and I kill him. Oh well. Spike time!"
23. Friendship is...
Yes, it's our favorite floppy-eared demon to the rescue.
Clem dropped the snacks and looked around the empty crypt worriedly; it wasn't like Spike to welsh on a Cher videothon. Then he heard someone moaning behind the couch. "God, Spike, you OK?"
Spike looked dehydrated, shriveled, like all life had been drained from him. "Bloody... Summers... women..." He coughed. "Ain't slept in three weeks. And I'm chafing in places best not mentioned. They're killing me."
"Don't they see that?"
"Like they'd care. I'm just a soulless monster..."
"Then I say we do something about that." Clem helped his friend up. "Come on, buddy. We're going to see a demon."
24. Something in common
So Spike and Clem leave town for a while. Let's see his girlfriends deal.
Buffy banged on the door to Spike's crypt. She was going through a rough patch of post-heaven-depression and was jonesing for some happiness. "DAWN! Sun's almost up! My turn!" When she kicked the door in, she found her sister sitting on the bed, looking miserable.
"Spike's gone", Dawn sobbed. "We waited all night, but he never turned up. We took turns looking for him, but..."
"We...?"
A female British voice called from downstairs. "Little pixie, Miss Edith asks if you want pomegranates for breakfast?"
Buffy looked at the crumpled bedsheets, shuddered and shoved Dawn towards the door. "NEVER tell me."
Well, it's canon that Buffy, for some reason, can never be bothered to kill Dru.
25. Strange angel
There's one Casa de Summers resident we haven't covered yet...
This may be my favourite drabble of the whole thing. Angsty set-up, silly wordplay finish. Also, it's a good way to get Amy out of the story.
Tara held her crying girlfriend, stared at the empty rat cage and tried to explain and comfort. "I guess a soul doesn't keep a vampire from killing rats... even ones that used to be human. And Dawn has been acting strange since Spike went missing."
"B-but she..."
"She just wanted to see if she could turn an animal into a vampire."
"So she..."
"...fed Amy her own blood. Sired her."
"But she..."
"...wasn't an ordinary rat."
"So she..."
"Yes."
"Oh well. At least she'll be in heaven now." Willow sighed, opened the window and let Amy the Bat fly away.
26. Dear diary, Part IV
The journals of a teenage vampire, continued.
Dear diary,
Spike's been gone 10 days now & I'm almost ready to start brooding soon. It's even worse for B, she acts like she's in... hell, or something.
OK, I am sorry about Amy. But Angel lived off rats for years with a soul, so...
Anyway, I figured it out: if I hang the mirror opposite the window and at an angle, it'll reflect non-dangerous indirect sunlight... and presto, I'm the first vampire with a tan. Cant believe no one thought of it before. I should talk to Anya about marketing this.
I actually think this is a great idea. And it would explain Spike's tan in s5.
And yeah, the slight misspellings and abbreviations in Dawn's diary entries ("cant", "&" etc) are intentional.
Oooh, MTV News is on. Later.
-Dawn
27. I want it THAT way
And tonight on MTV News... ooops.
Willow was almost scared to tell Buffy, she'd been Grumpy Slayer 24/7 lately. And indeed, Buffy flipped when she heard. "Dawn lost her soul AGAIN? How's that even possible, with Spike missing? Shouldn't she be all frustrated like me...ickey Mouse? Y'know, when he's... upset..."
I have no idea if that joke - Buffy stretching "me" into "Mickey" - works as well in writing as it would if spoken out loud. But I like it.
Willow frowned. Huh? "The Backstreet Boys have a new album out. She was real happy about that."
This was one of the first ideas I had when I realized that I could have Dawn lose her soul as often as Anya changes hairstyles. The perfect happiness thing works on Angel, who's a pretty broody guy to start with - but when you're 15, perfect happiness can be caused by the smallest thing. Such as incredibly sucky music.
"Will, you have to do something about that curse."
"I'm working on it! I can't afford not to, Anya keeps raising the prices on orbs of Thessulah. Something about supply and demand. But first we need to find Dawn."
This seems very Anya to me. I picture her doing the Dance of Capitalist Superiority every time Dawn loses her soul.
28. Aha! Boyfriend!
Walking anywhere in Sunnydale is like an extreme sport. Especially if you're really annoying.
A man and a woman walk down Revello.
"So the Slayer lives nearby?"
"Yeah, just around... look, there's her sister now. Hey! Dawnie!"
Dawn came running. "RILEY?"
"Hello to you too. My, you've grown. This is my wife, Sam –"
(...)
"No, Dawnie, please..." Riley pleaded, trying to crawl away. Sam had still been in "aww-ain't-you-the-cutest-little-thing" mode when her throat was ripped out, and when Riley tried to fight, Dawn had broken his legs. "DON'T!"
"Really? I thought you paid vampires to bite you...? Lucky for you I offer credit."
Afterwards, Dawn wished she'd thought of a pun involving "blood bank".
Today, I probably wouldn't kill off Riley this easily. But Sam? Absolutely. One of the worst one-time Mary Sue guest stars ever. She had it coming.
29. A sort of homecoming
Yes, the U2 song.
Surpriiiise!
Blissfully unaware of Riley's fate, the scoobies assembled at Buffy's and prepared for Dawn patrol. When suddenly, the front door opened on...
"Spike!"
"Dawn!"
"Uh... Clem?"
"Hello, Buffy. Found something of yours." Spike unceremoniously dropped Dawn's unconscious body as he stepped inside, followed by the smiling Clem.
Xander protested. "HEY! Careful with her!"
"Why? She's evil."
"Aren't you?"
Standard Buffyism: good guys get away with bad things, evil guys... usually do too, I don't know where I'm going with this. But I have some fun with the soul=good, no soul=evil thing.
"Well, actually –"
Buffy, grabbing a sword, didn't let him finish. "We've been worried sick about you... uh... going all bitey again... what?" (The last remark was to Willow, who eyed her suspiciously.) "Where have you been, anyway?"
Spike smiled enigmatically. "Africa."
30. Soul Man
Got what I got the hard way/And I'll make it better each and every day/Be sure honey, don't you fret/'Cause you ain't seen nothin' yet!
"Soul Man" by Sam & Dave. Get down with your funky self.
"A SOUL?"
"For the fifth time – yeah." Spike was getting annoyed. "Look, I just captured your evil sister and I haven't brooded in three soddin' hours, so if there's nothing else you want to yell at me about..."
"A soul." Buffy threw up her hands. "Spike... has... a... soul. Are there ANY demons left who DON'T have a soul?"
Clem raised his hand. Buffy looked at his kind, gentle face, then at the sword in her hand, and fell into his flabby arms, sobbing helplessly. Clem patted her head. "There, there, Slayer. I'm sure you'll get to kill something soon."
This is the start of something beautiful.
31. Rationalization
Denial is not just a river in Egypt, you know.
Dawn woke up in chains, with Buffy beside her. "Morning, sleepyhead. Willow's working on the improved curse, you'll have your soul back in a jiffy."
"Sure", Dawn sniffed. "Of course. 'Cause being stuck with me would really suck, right?"
"Older and Far Away" quote, of course.
"Well... duh, you're evil. Listen, this is important: Spike said he smelled blood on you. Did you kill anyone?"
"Yeah! Riley, and his wife!"
"Oh, Dawn..." Buffy smiled gratefully. Then she spoke slowly, as if to a child. "Riley's... in... South... America. You're so hungry you can't even lie convincingly... so you can't have killed anybody. I'm so proud of you!"
32. Happy now?
Ancient Gypsy curse v2.0 - now extra stable!
"...Asa sa fie, acum, yada yada yada."
I'm not sure if "yada yada yada" is part of the improved spell or just Willow being exquisitely bored with the whole thing and just wanting to watch Seinfeld. I'd like to think that magic sort of loses its addictive power when you're forced to do the same spell over and over and over again.
The orb of Thessulah glowed and disappeared, and Willow yawned and stretched. "There. That oughta do it."
"And you're sure you left the perfect happiness bit out?"
"What am I, Webster's Occult Dictionary? We better test her."
Later, following (among other things) a Marx Brothers marathon (I love the Marx bros), a tickle fight and one night of passion with Spike (who felt really bad about it, but considered it an act of redemption) it was determined that Dawn, though happy, still had her soul. So Willow, Buffy, Dawn and Spike packed for LA to repair another curse.
33. On the road again
Uncomfortable confessions on the highway.
The car was quiet after everyone rejected Dawn's mix tapes. Willow, who was driving, turned to Buffy. "So... you and Spike, huh?"
"Why... what... how..."
"C'mon, Buffy. It's me. Covering up who you're sleeping with... been there?"
Buffy sighed. "I'm not proud of it, Will, but... I felt awful. He made me feel better. But it's over now."
"Yeah", Dawn grumbled under her blanket. "Since he got the soul, all he wants to do is brood, watch black and white movies with subtitles and listen to depressing music. RIGHT, SPIKE?"
For the record, the movie is "The Seventh Seal" and the music is Joy Division's "Love Will Tear Us Apart" (whose bass riff is remarkably similar to the Buffy theme, don't you think?)
There was muffled agreement from the trunk. "Atonement's a bitch."
Of COURSE Spike isn't quoting Angel in "Disharmony" here. No way he would. After all, Spike HATES Angel. Riiiiiiight.
34. Where's the beef?
Snacks! The secret to any successful migration.
Willow nodded. "So tell me again why Spike is in the trunk?"
"He says he deserves to suffer. Also, the sun is up and those two under a blanket together? Better not risk it." (What? Buffy jealous? Surely not.) Buffy heard a distinct rumbling from the backseat. "Sounds like they're getting hungry... better stop at that drive-thru."
"Hi, I'll have four Doublemeat Medleys... two of them uncooked."
(...)
"So, Dawn, how's your burger? Bloody enough?"
Dawn chewed cautiously. "Weird... if I didn't know better, I'd say..."
There was a disgusted "Fuck!" from the trunk.
"Now what, Spike?"
"You got me a bloody... er, soddin' veggie burger!"
Isn't it funny how people always seem to write Spike by randomly inserting the words "bloody" and "sodding"?
35. Prophecies 'R' Us
Let's jump right in the middle of an important meeting at Angel Investigations. Should be fun.
Angel flinched. "So what you're saying is..."
"...the apocalypse is starting." Wesley leaned forward, looking gravely at his colleagues. "The texts are ambiguous, but they all agree the Reelianoyinbrat is destined to arrive today. Possibly within minutes."
"Reeli... what does that mean?"
"It's probably ancient Balinese, meaning roughly 'Annihilator' or 'Obliterator'... whatever it is, it's powerful. Once it's here, Wolfram & Hart will surely use it to destroy you... and then the world."
Here's the pseudo-serious bit: I was trying to set this up so that people expect the Reelianoyinbrat to be Dawn, but of course Wesley is ALMOST right on the translation - another synonym would be "Destroyer". Also, it's obviously not real Balinese, but I needed some language which was both really obscure (they've done the Greek/Babylonian/Latin thing to death) and also unlikely enough for prophecy purposes to seem a little absurd. Basically, it was either Balinese, Latvian or... whatever they speak in Botswana.
Just then they heard the front door open. Angel grabbed his axe in a champion-like manner, and as he left the room the others followed in slow-motion.
36. Welcome to the Hotel California
They gather for the feast.
Of COURSE that's an Eagles reference. I don't know why I keep sneaking those into my fics. I don't really even like them. But "Hotel California" is one creepy-ass song.
Buffy entered the hotel, not sure how to break the good news to Angel - she shouldn't make him happy before Willow had done the spell. But when Angel came running, waving an axe, she realized happiness wouldn't be the problem.
He looked up at her, his jaw dropping. "Buffy...? BEHIND YOU!"
"What?"
"Spike! ...Is right behind you!"
"Yeah, I know, he's with me. What's with the axiness?"
"Thought you were an apocalypse. What do you mean 'with you'?"
"Long story. Let's talk. Dawn – stay here, and don't touch ANYTHING." Everyone went into the office, leaving Dawn alone in the lobby.
One reviewer, at this point, asked "wouldn't it be funny if they came back and found Dawn and Connor doing the horizontal mambo?" This caused me to snicker.
37. Souls all around
Grandsire and childe reunion is only a motion away.
Of COURSE that's a Paul Simon reference.
"A SOUL?" Angel hardly trusted his ears. "How? Gypsy curse?"
"African demon."
"Oh." The vampires kept sneaking glances at each other, both very embarrassed. Eventually Spike broke the silence.
"Look, I'm sorry about..."
"No, I'm the one who should apologize, if it wasn't for me you wouldn't..."
"Angel, I –"
"William, I –"
Again with the awkward silence, until Wesley spoke up. "Much as I hate to interrupt, we do have an apocalypse to stop. The Reelianoyinbrat could already be here. Buffy, you wouldn't by any chance have anything that can help us defeat it?"
Buffy smiled. "I might. Willow?"
38. Roses are red
There are actually TWO in-jokes in this and the following titles. The first is a Dylan reference: "Roses are red/Violets are blue/And time is beginning to crawl" from "Where Teardrops Fall", possibly the hokiest line in the man's entire production. The second is a really bizarre joke between me and Axel Osbourne, the gist of which was that Angel, Spike and Dru used to dress up as the Golden Girls during sex. Angel was Rose, since Spike sort of looks like Bea Arthur.
Angel learns the intricacies of getting a new and improved soul.
"Angel, there's no time! The Reelianoyinbrat..."
"...can wait, Wes. Don't make me regret forgiving you for Connor. (This is where it struck me that Wesley shouldn't be there at all, he should be drinking alone in his apartment waiting for Lilah to show up. It's a quick'n'dirty fix.) So, Willow... what's the catch? Getting a permanent soul can't be that easy."
"No. Before I use the improved curse, you must... lose the soul you have now."
"But that only happens when I..."
"Exactly." Buffy started undressing. "Let's go."
Angel blushed. "Actually, Buffy..."
(...)
Twenty minutes later, Spike came out of Angel's room, smoking a cigarette and buttoning his pants. "Alright. He's soulless."
"Peachy." Buffy stopped punching the wall. "Willow, soul him. Then let's go home and never ever EVER mention this again."
39. Violence is blue
A prophecy comes to pass following a household accident.
Dawn quote: "Household crossbow accident claims teen."
Meanwhile, Dawn was moping around the lobby. "'Don't do this.' 'Don't touch that.' 'Don't kill this.' 'Don't fuck that.' Why couldn't Faith be my sister instead... Cool!" She'd spotted Angel's weapons cabinet. She was fiddling with a state-of-the-art crossbow when suddenly there was a crackling of energy behind her.
This is where a lot of people thought this story was going Dawn/Connor. Not to knock anybody's ship, but... that's one pairing I'm not going to write anytime soon.
With a surprised "Eeep!", Dawn spun around and within a fraction of a second, her vampire senses told her three things:
1) A boy wearing animal skins had just appeared out of nowhere.
2) He was kinda cute.
3) In her surprise, she had accidentally triggered the crossbow, killing him instantly.
40. And time is beginning to crawl
Ooops.
Willow had just completed the spell when they heard Dawn scream. Everyone ran downstairs – Angel slightly bow-legged – and entered the lobby just as Dawn dropped the crossbow with a clatter. Wesley gasped in shock.
Dawn looked at the boy who had never done her any harm, or even annoyed her... and had been a lot cuter without an arrow through his eye. Her soul was firing on all cylinders, pumping out shiny new farm-fresh guilt by the gallon; she wigged. With a whimper, Dawn turned away and ran outside, not noticing Buffy yelling her name – or the extra-non-vampire-friendly LA sunshine.
41. Obligatory slow-motion sequence
Come on. This is season 3 of "Angel". Action scenes never play out at normal speed.This was an obvious joke, but... I had just watched "A New World". I swear that episode was 19 minutes long before they slowed all of it down to less than half speed.
As Dawn ran outside...
...Buffy followed, but for some reason she was only able to run vvveeerrryyy ssslllooowwwlllyyy...
...Angel copped a feel as he kept Spike from running after Dawn into the sun...
...Wesley stared at the dead boy...
...Willow tried to think of a spell to cause an eclipse, or at least thicken smog...
...Gunn and Fred, who didn't know Dawn was a vampire, wondered why everyone was so upset...
...Cordelia ascended to a higher plane for no apparent reason...
I picture it happening a bit like an ejector seat or something. A big cosmic "YOINK!"
...and Dawn looked up into the bright sunlight, gasped, stumbled and hit the ground in an especially sunny spot.
42. The last thoughts of Vampire Dawn
And if I fry before I bake...
They say that before you die, your life flashes before your eyes. Here’s a top-ten of what went through Dawn’s mind as she waited to burst into flame:
10. ’Hit Me Baby One More Time’. (Hey, it’s catchy.)
Thereby possibly proving that Britney Spears is evil, but of course we knew that.
9. "I’m hungry."
8. That time she and Spike tried... yup, definitely not going to heaven.
No, I'm not saying what they tried. Whatever is the dirrtiest thing you can imagine two creatures with superpowers and very high pain thresholds can do to each other for pleasure. The reader's imagination is always worse than anything I can actually write down.
7. Lots of images of keys going into locks. And something Willow said about Freud.
Of COURSE this is Dawn fulfilling her keydom. It's fate, prophecy, destiny, and all that Angel crap.
6. "Shit. Forgot sunblock."
5. That time she drenched Buffy and Angel with a waterballoon mid-smooch. That was cool.
Anything to sneak in a fake pre-s5 Dawn memory.
4. "I don’t wanna die..."
3. "...uh, again."
2. Buffy.
1. Mom.
43. Burn, baby, burn
Can Dawn die?
Initial reviewer reaction: "No, Dawn can't die!" Well, no, vampires can't die, technically. But...
As Dawn fell down and rolled around on the sunny curb shrieking, expecting to burst into flame any second, Buffy threw herself on top of her sister to shield her. It was several confused seconds of tangled limbs, screams and "ooof"s before they both realised that...
...Dawn wasn't even smoking, although she'd been in the sun a while. Shocked, she looked up at Buffy who stared back at her non-flamey sister... then wrapped her arms around her, feeling her warmth, her ragged breath, and her heartbeat.
"Dawn... You're alive!"
Everyone stared at them incredulously.
"She's not a vampire! She's alive!"
44. In the dark
Spike and Angel, sitting in a tree. Or standing in the shadows. Same diff.
As Wesley and Willow joined the group hug outside, Spike smiled and put his arm around Angel. "Ain't that somethin'? Good for Niblet."
"But that's... impossible. Vampires don't just become human. I should know, I've been trying for years." Angel glanced at the corpse on the floor. So this was the Reeliwhatchamacallit? Looked familiar... oh well, he'd seen plenty demons in 240 years. "Gunn? Could you get rid of that?"
Awwww. Angel being all mopy and awkward and petty.
"Sure. The black man gets to take out the trash." Gunn decapitated the body, just in case. "By the way, where's Cordy?"
"No idea. Probably had an audition or something."
45. California Sun
Yeah, they're out there having fun.
"California Sun" by The Rivieras, famously covered by The Ramones.
Buffy hugged Dawn, crying tears of joy and prattling on and on about how Dawn was a beautiful woman and she wanted to show her the world when Dawn interrupted her.
"Seriously, Sis – love ya, but enough with the speechifying. (Buffy's speech in "Grave" is one of the less successful in a long career of rousing speeches.) Right now I'll settle for being shown Venice Beach. I so need to catch some rays and check out cute non-undead boys."
"Not that there's anything wrong with that", Willow grinned. (Of COURSE that's a Seinfeld reference.) Arms around each other, the three walked to the car, laughing and joking.
Wesley went back inside and found Angel panicking. "Hit the books, Wes. Something's very wrong here."
46. Some-one-was-n't-wooorthy!
Yup, Angel has every reason to be worried.
"So, Wes. Explain. How come Dawn's human?"
"I should think it's obvious. She has a soul, she killed the Reelianoyinbrat - albeit accidentally - thereby averting the apocalypse... ring any bells?"
"Oh no..." Angel gained 20 pounds as realization sank in.
It would never occur to me to suggest that Angel was a bit... stout in s5.
Wesley read from an ancient scroll. "’There's a lady who's sure...’ – er, sorry, wrong scroll. (Of COURSE that's a Led Zeppelin reference.) Ah: ’The vampire with a soul, once he’ – or she – ’fulfills his/her destiny, will shanshu’ – become human. Dawn was the one the prophecy spoke of, not you, and..." he nodded to Spike, "...certainly not you."
Connor does play an integral part in getting Angel into the clutches of Wolfram & Hart and playing their game - without him, no Beast, no Jasmine, no evil Cordy, no wiping out of the LA offices of W&H, no big amnesia spell, no Angel CEO, no last stand in the alley... kill Connor at this point, and you will stop (or at least severely mar) W&H's apocalypse plans. Dawn fulfills the prophecy in one fell swoop.
The non-prophesized vampires looked at each other.
"Aw, f..."
47. Sibling Rivalry, Part III
And as the sun sets over the Pacific in a postcardy (Of COURSE that's a Frank Zappa reference) fashion, some closing arguments in the car between Venice Beach and Sunnydale.
Dawn giggled. "Sorry, sis, it’s not my fault the guys at the beach found me hotter than you."
"You are not! Undressed-er, maybe. NOT hotter."
"Am too!"
"Are not! Will, expert opinion?"
"You're asking if I’m more attracted to my best friend or her kid sister?"
"Uh-huh!"
"Not touching that one."
"See, Dawn? Willow doesn't wanna touch you!"
"Buff, that's not what..."
I love this exchange. It IS canon that Willow thinks Dawn is inappropriately hot ("Him"), but I don't see her telling Buffy that.
"STOP!" Dawn interrupted. "We forgot Spike!"
Buffy clenched her teeth. "Spike... won’t be coming back with us."
"Nobody ever wants to hang with me! I hate you! WHIIIIINE..."
"Oh, brother. Will, does that soul spell work on humans...?"
THE END
48. Epilogue
Vampire Dawn is no more, and so the story, alas, must end. Here's a brief summary of what happened afterwards.
Dawn remained a little spoiled and self-absorbed, and somehow got a reputation as a slut, but at least she didn't drink people's blood anymore.
Xander and Anya got married.
As did Willow and Tara.
And, why the hell not, Buffy and Clem. (Long story.) CLUFFY! <3!
Giles gave all of them away – gladly – before moving to England to join Pink Floyd.
Spike and Angel, no longer tied up in prophecies, moved in together. Their constant bickering kept them from knowing perfect happiness, but they did brood a lot together (if you know what I mean, nudge nudge).
Andrew stayed in the closet.
And thus it's actually a really happy ending. Seasons 4 and 5 of Angel would be VERY different, since the apocalypse has been averted (for the time being), life in Sunnydale is a lot happier, etc. I AM a big softy at heart.
Now with running commentary, as per request from
sl_podcast. If you haven't read the original version you should probably start with that one, though.Pairings: Spawn, Spuffy, Spangel, basically Spanythingthatmoves. There's some hinted-at Dawn/Drusilla naughtiness too. Also: my first Clem/Buffy pairing!
Chapters: 48 (short ones)
Rating: PG13 (some language and violence, but all in good fun)
DAWN OF THE DEAD
Background: This started out as the first few drabbles, which I posted to slayerfanfic.com and got a very good reception for, and people kept demanding more... so part of the credit belongs to all those original reviewers.
The idea seemed so obvious I'm surprised that there doesn't seem to be any other fic out there with the same idea and title. There's plenty of VampWillow, VampBuffy and VampFaith fic out there, but... *shrugs*
I'm not sure at what point I decided to make this a complete season rewrite, but once I did, it was a lot of fun to keep the silly angle and still try to sneak in all the plot and character arcs to some extent; Buffy is still suffering from severe post-Heaven-syndrome, Willow still has to tackle the magic bit, Dawn is still needy as hell - only with VampDawn as a catalyst, all that gets a different focus. The hardest thing about writing parody is to exaggerate the characters just enough, so they are still themselves only more so - not remove the serious bits, but make them funny.
1. Dear Diary
Author’s note: We pick up at the beginning of season 6, shortly after “All The Way” ends in a slightly... different way. With Dawn being vamped. And wackiness will hopefully ensue.
Dear diary,
Me and Justin totally hit it off yesterday. He's, like, the best kisser ever. And then we did the other thing, and when I woke up he was there waiting for me, which was so romantic. But then, of course, my sister had to show up and stake him. Bitch. First she was going to stake me too, but then she got all weepy and stuff and just beat me up and chained me in the basement. That was kind of cool of her, I suppose, though I could so kick her ass if I wanted to.
- Dawn
2. Decisions
So, Dawn's a vampire. Must be Tuesday.
Everything explained, the scoobys all sat around trying to absorb the shock.
"So do we kill her?"
Everyone glared at Anya, except Xander who seemed to take a sudden interest in the floor. Buffy finally sighed. "No."
“But she’s evil, isn’t she?”
“It’s different, Anya. She’s my sister. I died for her. I can’t just... I can’t. There’s gotta be some way I can help her.”
Anya nodded. “Well, it's nice to know that if anyone you know turns into a demon, you’ll try to help them first before you go into slay mode.”
“Uh... yeah." Buffy looked uncomfortable. "Exactly.”
Obviously harking back (or forward) to Buffy's quick decision to kill Anya in "Selfless".
3. Loose
You should make 'em wear a sign.
Giles walked in, very upset – hair on end, pale, cleaning his glasses. The library probably got a website, Buffy thought.
Any chance to poke fun at Giles. I always write him much too serious otherwise.
"Giles, I have to tell you something. About Dawn."
"You bloody well better! How could you do that to your sister? I know she's whiny, but chaining her in the cellar?"
Uh-oh. "You didn't... set her free, didya?"
"’Course I did! I've half a mind to call social services this instant. I'll just... faint first... blood loss... catch me." Giles hit the floor with a distinct thud.
“He’ll live. OK, search party. And I’ll kill anyone who...”
“Yeah, we know.”
Anytime Buffy gets all pompous I'm-The-Slayer-and-you-will-do-as-I-say, you know the scoobies are rolling their eyes.
4. Dear diary, Part II
The journals of a teenage vampire, continued.
Dear diary,
Giles tasted a lot better than I thought, considering how old he is. Then he had a cross, which was less fun, but at least that’s one fashion accessory I’ll never have to wear again. Like, totally 80s. This is gonna be so cool. I can almost lift cars. Compacts, anyway.
But MAN, I’m hungry. I thought drinking blood would be gross, and it sorta is, but somehow that just makes it better. Gotta find some more. I wonder what happened to Janice? It would be cool if she got vamped too so we could hang out.
I was originally going to put Janice in this, but... didn't pan out. As much as I love Amber Tamblyn, Janice is just not all that interesting as a character, the little we see of her.
- Dawn
5. Defeat
Xander REALLY needs to learn some kung fu.
"So, did you find her?
Xander looked at Buffy. "Uh... "
("Dawn...?" His voice shook with fear.
The vampire smiled down at him – evilly, she hoped – then ran her fingers along his jawbone to the pulsing vein in his neck, licking her lips. "What, sweetie?"
"Dawn."
"Yeah, what?"
Xander was still dizzy from the beating, but pointed at something. "DAWN."
"WHA... oh, shit." Dawn let go and ran for cover from the rising sun, smoke trailing behind her.)
Yes, it's a drabble based entirely on a pun. Love puns. Embrace puns. Also, Dawn trying to be evil-sexy is a hoot, IMO; she was always a big klutz at heart.
"Nope. Didn't find her. And she definitely didn't beat me up and almost f... kill me. 'Cause, you know, Dawn couldn't do that."
6. Ah, young love.
Underage vampire sex ahoy!
"Niblet... stop. We can’t."
"Why not? Two vampires, forced to stay in this crypt all day... and I'm not watching 'Passions'." For vampires, Dawn had discovered, half of the hungry-and-horny problem took care of itself after a kill. But only half.
"It’s wrong."
"'Wrong'? Jeez, you sound like Angel."
"I do NOT! (Because, you know, Spike doesn't really like Angel. Riiiiiight.) But... you're not her."
"Did you miss the whole the-key-is-made-from-the-Slayer's-blood-and-if-one-starts-bleeding-the-other-has-to-die-to-close-the-portal thing? Technically, I AM Buffy. I think. Close enough to avert apocalypses, at least. And if you won't sleep with me, I'll spend all day trying to explain how that worked."
Anyone who's spent time on Buffy discussion boards will, after a while, probably chew their own foot off rather than have to explain exactly how that thing with the portal in "The Gift" works. Also, here's to Microsoft Word, which counts hyphenated words as ONE word. It's saved my ass from the 100-word limit more than once.
Spike shuddered. "No... please... anything but that."
7. Guess who’s coming to dinner
Of COURSE that's a Black Uhuru reference.
Taking out the trash.
For a while, I had this habit of killing Warren in every fic I wrote. No matter when, where and how it took place. I once had him run over by a car and subsequently eaten by a badger, that's still my favourite, but this is pretty good too.
Buffy helped the shocked boy sit down and handed him a towel to wipe off the blood. "Jonathan, slow down. Breathe. What happened?"
"It was... Dawn. She killed him."
"Who?"
"Warren. We were planning... playing video games in his basement, and..."
"...You invited her in?"
"We didn't know she's a vampire, and she's kinda hot... I mean, Warren thought so", he added when he saw Buffy's look. "She just... ripped his throat out, it wasn't even sexy."
Of course Jonathan would have expected a vampire bite to be all Anne Rice (or "Graduation Day") - improperly erotic and stuff.
"I ran, and Andrew hid in the closet."
Riiiiight.
"Andrew...?"
"Tucker's brother."
Had to get a Tucker's brother joke in there.
"Oh." Buffy slammed the door as she left to find her sister.
8. Sibling rivalry, Part 1
The morning after the night before.
The crypt door flew open, revealing a very pissed-off slayer. "Now, see, this isn't happening. If it was, I'd have to kill everyone here including myself. And that's getting old."
"This isn't what it looks like." Spike felt Dawn giggle under him. "OK, it's exactly what it looks like. But her being evil and all..."
"Spike, get off my sister."
"Oh, he already has, sis – twice!"
Again, I love wordplay. Outtake version: "Spike, get my sister ofnyeeeeeeaaaachh! I mean, get off my..."
Dawn jumped up to show her sister what a little vampire strength could do... but got tangled up in the sheets and was easy prey for Buffy.
"OK, you are SO grounded, young lady!"
9. Support the Head
"I could be the one to look after her sometimes ..."
This little chapterette is actually pretty touching, I think. Support the Anthony Stewart Head, of course, since he doesn't get much to do in this fic, but also a few nods back to "Weight of the World" (Buffy with Baby Dawn) and Buffy and Joyce in the hospital before surgery.
Giles was still loopy, but with three pints of fresh AB- in him he felt much better. Sunnydale Hospital had pretty much stopped asking what happened when someone wanted a blood transfusion. As he got out of the taxi, he saw Buffy walking up to the house carrying a body-shaped object wrapped in sheets.
"Oh God, is she..."
"...dead", obviously. At least I hope it's obvious.
"No. Well, yeah, she's a vampire, but she's just unconscious. I..." Buffy's voice broke. "I promised Mom I'd take care of her."
Giles put his hand on her shoulder and smiled reassuringly. Then he looked at Spike's sheets. "Those stains...?"
"DON'T ask."
10. Slipprier than a greased weasel
Which is what souls are, according to Richard Wilkins III (RIP). As Dawn is about to prove.
So how do you keep a pet vampire?
Buffy explained her plan to the gang and a safely tied-up Dawn.
"But I don't WANT a soul."
"No one cares what you want, Dawnie, you're evil. I know three ways to deal with vampires: stake, soul, chip. I could call Riley and have the Initiative turn you into the six million dollar vampire, ask your boyfriend what that's like."
I like that Six Million Dollar Man reference there. Sounds like something Buffy might say.
"Ask yours what... oh, wait, I get it. This soul thing is so you can have sex with me, right?"
This is of course pre-"Wrecked", so it's way back when Buffy only had sex with souled vampires.
Everyone stared at Buffy, who turned beet red.
"Boy, that's all vampires think about, huh... um... Willow, how's your Romanian?"
11. Belly rumblin’s
...as in what Dawn gets when Willow and Tara fight.
Yes, the magic-as-drugs-metaphor is silly.
One reviewer thanked me for "putting Tara in her place" here. I didn't like this chapter very much after that; that's REALLY not what I wanted to do. Sometimes I wish people would keep their thoughts to themselves.
The idea here - in as much as I had any deeper idea than "magic-is-drugs metaphor? Silly!" - is more along the lines that, well, part of Willow's problem is that she's got all this black magic that she used to fight Glory and bring back Buffy, and then season 6 is all about ordinary life again and she has no outlet for it. She is, to quote a phrase, "bored now". It's like having Ritchie Blackmore in your band and suddenly deciding that you don't need any guitar solos on this album - he's still going to want his own jet plane. And so I put her to work.
"Tara, I have to do this. I have to help them."
"No! No more spells! Willow, don't you see that you're using too much majick? I'm sure you think you're doing it to help people, but you'll end up hurting - "
I wish I had come up with an even sillier way of spelling "magic". It's M-A-G-I-C, people, just like everybody except Andrew and certain romance novelists spells "vampire" with an I. Terry Pratchett once had a bit about "vampyres are just like vampires, except they can't spell". Sorry. End possibly misguided rant.
Willow opened the door so they could hear the commotion downstairs.
"Back, demon! Get back in the name of GYAAAGH!"
"Stop hurting Xander! Get your own fiancé!"
"Dawn, you let go of Xander's neck this instant! WILLOW! How's that soul spell coming?"
Willow closed the door again. "Sorry, you were saying...?"
Tara sighed. "Nothing. I'll get the crystals."
12. Dear diary, Part III
The journals of a teenage vampire, continued.
Dear diary,
Day 3 with a soul, and it's still yawn-o-rama. I know I'm supposed to feel sorry for killing Warren, but nobody really seems to miss him. Except Andrew, but he's still refusing to come out of Warren's closet. So the only difference is that I'm drinking pig's blood – yuck. There must be some way around that. (I'm pretty sure pig isn't koscher; gotta ask Willow about converting.) At least they don't keep me chained up anymore.
I always wondered about that. There are fics in which VampWillow is "tame" - what the hell does she drink?
Anyway, gotta go. B said something about me getting a visitor today. I hope it's Spike. I'm getting kinda antsy.
Yes, of COURSE that's an American Pie reference.
- Dawn
13. Brooding 101
Learning from the master. Except, you know, not The Master, because he's dead.
ANYTHING to make fun of Angel.
"OK Dawn, lights off, good. Now, furrow your brow and think about people you hurt. Try to feel really bad. It often helps to imagine something they loved doing, and will never do again because of you."
"Angel, I'm 15. I already know how to feel miserable."
"Teenagers sulk. Vampires brood. It's a completely different –"
Riiiiiight. Because in one, you sit alone in your room, pouting and thinking about what's wrong with you, and in the other... well... uh...
"I ate ONE geek! And... nibbled on Giles. Really not dying of guilt here."
"You had sex with Spike!"
"Right, like you haven't."
"That's... not the point. (Riiiiiight.) You need to learn this. Let's try it again: furrow your brow... no, without going into vampface..."
14. Bite your tongue
Angel almost spills some beans about secrets old and new. Mmm... beans.
Following Dawn's lesson, Angel and Buffy had a talk.
"So how are you holding up, Buffy?"
"Not so much with the ha-ha... I can't believe this is happening. Why would she... anyone sleep with Spike?"
"Well for one thing, he's..." Angel caught himself. "I have no idea. (Riiiiiight. Are we foreshadowing yet or what?) But w-she was evil at the time, remember."
"Angel... are you blushing?"
"Of course not. Vampires don't... Gosh, is that the time? I better go."
"Couldn't you stick around a while? Please?"
"I can't, I have to change diap... uh, demons. Chase... demons." Angel gave a confused Buffy a quick hug and left.
First sign that this is a crossover. Angel rushing home to change diapers is almost as much fun as the idea of Cordelia making Angel buy tampons.
15. Breakfast of champions
Damn, that’s one ineffective soul spell.
Buffy had cried all night. She'd had enough; torn out of heaven, Dawn a vampire, Angel leaving again... still, she came downstairs for breakfast, and found Willow wearing her bad-news-I'm-afraid-face.
"Bad news, I'm afraid. Dawn and Spike have... y'know, again."
Buffy sighed resignedly. "Well, they're both vampires, and he does love her. She's way too young, but..." Buffy grimaced. She's not getting any older.
"But there's more. Dawn... kinda lost it. Her soul, I mean."
I wish I could have made this longer. The obvious joke is that Dawn "lost it" the FIRST night with Spike and... oh well.
Orange juice spurted out Buffy's nose. "You're saying... sex with Spike equals perfect happiness?"
"Evidently."
"Huh." She pondered this. "I'm going out for a while."
16. Grins of a sad person
Sleeping vampires are kinda cute.
Shortly after dusk, Tara spotted Xander carrying an unconscious Dawn up the driveway and ran out to help him. "Where did you find her?"
"Curled up under a trailer at the building site. Thank God for tranquiliser darts."
There may have been some vague parallel here about "building site" - "Wrecked". I don't remember.
"Did she... k-kill anyone?"
"I so don't want to know. Where's Her Slayerness?"
"She ran out when she heard. Willow was afraid she was going after Dawn... oh, here she comes. Buffy? You OK?"
Buffy walked up the drive slowly, limping a bit, looking dazed. She barely glanced at the others, just went upstairs, smiling deliriously.
Xander frowned. "OK, that was weird."
17. Confess, woman! Confess!
Buffy in the comfy chair. Or, you know, bed, whatever.
Of COURSE that's a Monty Python reference.
Willow found her friend lying flat on her bed. "Buffy? Everything alright?"
"Oh, I feel great", Buffy beamed, still somewhat dazed. "I'm loose as a freshly juggled goose."
Of COURSE that's a Firefly reference.
"Juggled...?"
"Pop culture reference. Never mind. So, what's up?"
"Well, I've re-ensouled Dawn, but... what did you do with Spike?"
Buffy jumped up and stared at her, babbling. "Me? Did? With Spike? Nothing! That's ridiculous! You've got a dirty mind, Willow Rosenberg, and..."
"What? I just wondered if you poofed him. Is he dust?"
"Oh. Um... no." Buffy calmed down. "But, Dawn's perfect happiness problem is taken care of. Personal slayer guarantee."
One of my favourite jokes in s7 is the one where Buffy's big plan for fighting The First involves googling the word "evil". I picture the same look of proud achievement on her face here.
18. Well, who does nowadays.
Quoth Buffy after... uh... taking Caleb for a little trip to the vet. I love that line.
Hell hath no fury like a brat scorned.
"NO, Dawn. I said no and I meant it." Spike pushed her away.
"Oh, right. The 'it's wrong' speech again? Been there, done you."
"Actually, your sister came by earlier. Gave me a right bloody talkin' to, basically boiled down to one more strike, I'm out. Though the exact preposition she used was 'off'." Spike winced and unwittingly covered his crotch. "Next time you lose your soul she might not be so forgiving."
Buffy's line here would be another one of those you couldn't quite get to say on TV...
"C'mon, you know Buffy, she's just jealous and... Spike?"
"Yeah?"
"Are those her panties on that lamp?"
"Uh..."
"Oh, that's it. Soul or not, she is DEAD."
19. Sibling rivalry, Part II
Fight! Fight! Fight!
Buffy's bedroom flew open, revealing a very pissed-off Dawn.
"OK, sis, that's it. I'm throwing down! Welcome to Summerslam!"
"Summerslam" is courtesy of fellow fanficcer Axel Osbourne, who suggested it in a review of the previous drabble. Apparently it's a wrestling term. I like it.
And it was on, with the kicking and the punching and the scratching and... you know what chick fights look like. It took them an hour to realise they were evenly matched (possibly because of the whole made-from-the-same-blood deal) and call a truce, according to which Buffy got Spike during daylight and Dawn at night. Also, Spike would have to nail pictures of sad puppies to his ceiling to ensure Dawn was never perfectly happy. (Buffy preferred it on top anyway.)
20. I read the news today, oh boy
Of COURSE that's a Beatles reference.
Just an idyllic Sunday morning in the Harris/Jenkins household.
Xander chuckled as he read the paper. "You know, Ahn, I can't believe what people tell themselves to explain all the stuff that happens here. I mean look at this: 'Doris Kroger, long-time employee of Sunnydale Social Services, was found dead last night', yada yada yada, blood loss following a neck wound. Police have ruled the death a... wait for it... gardening accident. What is she, a Spinal Tap drummer?"
I love "This is Spinal Tap". Then again, gardening accidents are all the rage among drummers. But I do feel a bit bad for Doris here, so I wrote another drabble in which she gets to live.
"Huh. Where was this?"
"Let's see... about... two blocks from Buffy's house."
"Wasn't Dawn evil yesterday?"
"Right, honey. Like Dawn would eat a dry old social worker? She's too spoiled."
21. Repeat ad nauseam
A soul makes you want to be nice to people on Sunday mornings.
Buffy yawned as she entered the kitchen. "Morning, Dawnie. Whatcha doin’?"
"I thought I’d fix breakfast for everyone."
"What’s wrong with Giles?"
"Stomach flu, I think. Anyway, hope you like this, I call it Eggs à la Dawn."
"Interesting taste..."
"Yeah, see, I’m trying to put some variation in my diet. So I mixed eggs, ketchup and a quart of blood, fried the sucker up and... Buffy?"
(...)
Tara yawned as she entered the kitchen. "Morning, Dawnie. Whatcha doin’?"
"I thought I’d fix breakfast for everyone."
"What’s wrong with Giles and Buffy?"
"Stomach flu, I think. Anyway, hope you like this..."
I always felt this drabble might have been clearer - that everyone eventually forms a line to the bathroom to barf their guts out. Oh well. I like it.
22. Once more, with killing
Sweet the musical demon and Vampire Dawn do a duet at the Bronze.
- ‘Cause I know what you feel, girl
- On the whole
I've got soul
Then again, you're not human
- I'll make it real, girl
- Sure, you're cute
But that suit
Went out with Harry Truman
I love that "not human/Harry Truman" rhyme.
- I'll take you right back through my portal
I've been looking for a queen who's immortal
- Wedding bells?
That sounds swell,
But the truth is I'm starvin'
- Hey, let go of my neck, little Missy
No more biting, I'm getting dizzy...
- That was nice
Demon Spice
Tasted better than Warren -
I don't love the starvin'/Warren rhyme. But Dawn supposedly has a mouth full of blood, so she slurs a bit.
"Oh crap." Dawn burped. "Funnest demon ever, and I kill him. Oh well. Spike time!"
23. Friendship is...
Yes, it's our favorite floppy-eared demon to the rescue.
Clem dropped the snacks and looked around the empty crypt worriedly; it wasn't like Spike to welsh on a Cher videothon. Then he heard someone moaning behind the couch. "God, Spike, you OK?"
Spike looked dehydrated, shriveled, like all life had been drained from him. "Bloody... Summers... women..." He coughed. "Ain't slept in three weeks. And I'm chafing in places best not mentioned. They're killing me."
"Don't they see that?"
"Like they'd care. I'm just a soulless monster..."
"Then I say we do something about that." Clem helped his friend up. "Come on, buddy. We're going to see a demon."
24. Something in common
So Spike and Clem leave town for a while. Let's see his girlfriends deal.
Buffy banged on the door to Spike's crypt. She was going through a rough patch of post-heaven-depression and was jonesing for some happiness. "DAWN! Sun's almost up! My turn!" When she kicked the door in, she found her sister sitting on the bed, looking miserable.
"Spike's gone", Dawn sobbed. "We waited all night, but he never turned up. We took turns looking for him, but..."
"We...?"
A female British voice called from downstairs. "Little pixie, Miss Edith asks if you want pomegranates for breakfast?"
Buffy looked at the crumpled bedsheets, shuddered and shoved Dawn towards the door. "NEVER tell me."
Well, it's canon that Buffy, for some reason, can never be bothered to kill Dru.
25. Strange angel
There's one Casa de Summers resident we haven't covered yet...
This may be my favourite drabble of the whole thing. Angsty set-up, silly wordplay finish. Also, it's a good way to get Amy out of the story.
Tara held her crying girlfriend, stared at the empty rat cage and tried to explain and comfort. "I guess a soul doesn't keep a vampire from killing rats... even ones that used to be human. And Dawn has been acting strange since Spike went missing."
"B-but she..."
"She just wanted to see if she could turn an animal into a vampire."
"So she..."
"...fed Amy her own blood. Sired her."
"But she..."
"...wasn't an ordinary rat."
"So she..."
"Yes."
"Oh well. At least she'll be in heaven now." Willow sighed, opened the window and let Amy the Bat fly away.
26. Dear diary, Part IV
The journals of a teenage vampire, continued.
Dear diary,
Spike's been gone 10 days now & I'm almost ready to start brooding soon. It's even worse for B, she acts like she's in... hell, or something.
OK, I am sorry about Amy. But Angel lived off rats for years with a soul, so...
Anyway, I figured it out: if I hang the mirror opposite the window and at an angle, it'll reflect non-dangerous indirect sunlight... and presto, I'm the first vampire with a tan. Cant believe no one thought of it before. I should talk to Anya about marketing this.
I actually think this is a great idea. And it would explain Spike's tan in s5.
And yeah, the slight misspellings and abbreviations in Dawn's diary entries ("cant", "&" etc) are intentional.
Oooh, MTV News is on. Later.
-Dawn
27. I want it THAT way
And tonight on MTV News... ooops.
Willow was almost scared to tell Buffy, she'd been Grumpy Slayer 24/7 lately. And indeed, Buffy flipped when she heard. "Dawn lost her soul AGAIN? How's that even possible, with Spike missing? Shouldn't she be all frustrated like me...ickey Mouse? Y'know, when he's... upset..."
I have no idea if that joke - Buffy stretching "me" into "Mickey" - works as well in writing as it would if spoken out loud. But I like it.
Willow frowned. Huh? "The Backstreet Boys have a new album out. She was real happy about that."
This was one of the first ideas I had when I realized that I could have Dawn lose her soul as often as Anya changes hairstyles. The perfect happiness thing works on Angel, who's a pretty broody guy to start with - but when you're 15, perfect happiness can be caused by the smallest thing. Such as incredibly sucky music.
"Will, you have to do something about that curse."
"I'm working on it! I can't afford not to, Anya keeps raising the prices on orbs of Thessulah. Something about supply and demand. But first we need to find Dawn."
This seems very Anya to me. I picture her doing the Dance of Capitalist Superiority every time Dawn loses her soul.
28. Aha! Boyfriend!
Walking anywhere in Sunnydale is like an extreme sport. Especially if you're really annoying.
A man and a woman walk down Revello.
"So the Slayer lives nearby?"
"Yeah, just around... look, there's her sister now. Hey! Dawnie!"
Dawn came running. "RILEY?"
"Hello to you too. My, you've grown. This is my wife, Sam –"
(...)
"No, Dawnie, please..." Riley pleaded, trying to crawl away. Sam had still been in "aww-ain't-you-the-cutest-little-thing" mode when her throat was ripped out, and when Riley tried to fight, Dawn had broken his legs. "DON'T!"
"Really? I thought you paid vampires to bite you...? Lucky for you I offer credit."
Afterwards, Dawn wished she'd thought of a pun involving "blood bank".
Today, I probably wouldn't kill off Riley this easily. But Sam? Absolutely. One of the worst one-time Mary Sue guest stars ever. She had it coming.
29. A sort of homecoming
Yes, the U2 song.
Surpriiiise!
Blissfully unaware of Riley's fate, the scoobies assembled at Buffy's and prepared for Dawn patrol. When suddenly, the front door opened on...
"Spike!"
"Dawn!"
"Uh... Clem?"
"Hello, Buffy. Found something of yours." Spike unceremoniously dropped Dawn's unconscious body as he stepped inside, followed by the smiling Clem.
Xander protested. "HEY! Careful with her!"
"Why? She's evil."
"Aren't you?"
Standard Buffyism: good guys get away with bad things, evil guys... usually do too, I don't know where I'm going with this. But I have some fun with the soul=good, no soul=evil thing.
"Well, actually –"
Buffy, grabbing a sword, didn't let him finish. "We've been worried sick about you... uh... going all bitey again... what?" (The last remark was to Willow, who eyed her suspiciously.) "Where have you been, anyway?"
Spike smiled enigmatically. "Africa."
30. Soul Man
Got what I got the hard way/And I'll make it better each and every day/Be sure honey, don't you fret/'Cause you ain't seen nothin' yet!
"Soul Man" by Sam & Dave. Get down with your funky self.
"A SOUL?"
"For the fifth time – yeah." Spike was getting annoyed. "Look, I just captured your evil sister and I haven't brooded in three soddin' hours, so if there's nothing else you want to yell at me about..."
"A soul." Buffy threw up her hands. "Spike... has... a... soul. Are there ANY demons left who DON'T have a soul?"
Clem raised his hand. Buffy looked at his kind, gentle face, then at the sword in her hand, and fell into his flabby arms, sobbing helplessly. Clem patted her head. "There, there, Slayer. I'm sure you'll get to kill something soon."
This is the start of something beautiful.
31. Rationalization
Denial is not just a river in Egypt, you know.
Dawn woke up in chains, with Buffy beside her. "Morning, sleepyhead. Willow's working on the improved curse, you'll have your soul back in a jiffy."
"Sure", Dawn sniffed. "Of course. 'Cause being stuck with me would really suck, right?"
"Older and Far Away" quote, of course.
"Well... duh, you're evil. Listen, this is important: Spike said he smelled blood on you. Did you kill anyone?"
"Yeah! Riley, and his wife!"
"Oh, Dawn..." Buffy smiled gratefully. Then she spoke slowly, as if to a child. "Riley's... in... South... America. You're so hungry you can't even lie convincingly... so you can't have killed anybody. I'm so proud of you!"
32. Happy now?
Ancient Gypsy curse v2.0 - now extra stable!
"...Asa sa fie, acum, yada yada yada."
I'm not sure if "yada yada yada" is part of the improved spell or just Willow being exquisitely bored with the whole thing and just wanting to watch Seinfeld. I'd like to think that magic sort of loses its addictive power when you're forced to do the same spell over and over and over again.
The orb of Thessulah glowed and disappeared, and Willow yawned and stretched. "There. That oughta do it."
"And you're sure you left the perfect happiness bit out?"
"What am I, Webster's Occult Dictionary? We better test her."
Later, following (among other things) a Marx Brothers marathon (I love the Marx bros), a tickle fight and one night of passion with Spike (who felt really bad about it, but considered it an act of redemption) it was determined that Dawn, though happy, still had her soul. So Willow, Buffy, Dawn and Spike packed for LA to repair another curse.
33. On the road again
Uncomfortable confessions on the highway.
The car was quiet after everyone rejected Dawn's mix tapes. Willow, who was driving, turned to Buffy. "So... you and Spike, huh?"
"Why... what... how..."
"C'mon, Buffy. It's me. Covering up who you're sleeping with... been there?"
Buffy sighed. "I'm not proud of it, Will, but... I felt awful. He made me feel better. But it's over now."
"Yeah", Dawn grumbled under her blanket. "Since he got the soul, all he wants to do is brood, watch black and white movies with subtitles and listen to depressing music. RIGHT, SPIKE?"
For the record, the movie is "The Seventh Seal" and the music is Joy Division's "Love Will Tear Us Apart" (whose bass riff is remarkably similar to the Buffy theme, don't you think?)
There was muffled agreement from the trunk. "Atonement's a bitch."
Of COURSE Spike isn't quoting Angel in "Disharmony" here. No way he would. After all, Spike HATES Angel. Riiiiiiight.
34. Where's the beef?
Snacks! The secret to any successful migration.
Willow nodded. "So tell me again why Spike is in the trunk?"
"He says he deserves to suffer. Also, the sun is up and those two under a blanket together? Better not risk it." (What? Buffy jealous? Surely not.) Buffy heard a distinct rumbling from the backseat. "Sounds like they're getting hungry... better stop at that drive-thru."
"Hi, I'll have four Doublemeat Medleys... two of them uncooked."
(...)
"So, Dawn, how's your burger? Bloody enough?"
Dawn chewed cautiously. "Weird... if I didn't know better, I'd say..."
There was a disgusted "Fuck!" from the trunk.
"Now what, Spike?"
"You got me a bloody... er, soddin' veggie burger!"
Isn't it funny how people always seem to write Spike by randomly inserting the words "bloody" and "sodding"?
35. Prophecies 'R' Us
Let's jump right in the middle of an important meeting at Angel Investigations. Should be fun.
Angel flinched. "So what you're saying is..."
"...the apocalypse is starting." Wesley leaned forward, looking gravely at his colleagues. "The texts are ambiguous, but they all agree the Reelianoyinbrat is destined to arrive today. Possibly within minutes."
"Reeli... what does that mean?"
"It's probably ancient Balinese, meaning roughly 'Annihilator' or 'Obliterator'... whatever it is, it's powerful. Once it's here, Wolfram & Hart will surely use it to destroy you... and then the world."
Here's the pseudo-serious bit: I was trying to set this up so that people expect the Reelianoyinbrat to be Dawn, but of course Wesley is ALMOST right on the translation - another synonym would be "Destroyer". Also, it's obviously not real Balinese, but I needed some language which was both really obscure (they've done the Greek/Babylonian/Latin thing to death) and also unlikely enough for prophecy purposes to seem a little absurd. Basically, it was either Balinese, Latvian or... whatever they speak in Botswana.
Just then they heard the front door open. Angel grabbed his axe in a champion-like manner, and as he left the room the others followed in slow-motion.
36. Welcome to the Hotel California
They gather for the feast.
Of COURSE that's an Eagles reference. I don't know why I keep sneaking those into my fics. I don't really even like them. But "Hotel California" is one creepy-ass song.
Buffy entered the hotel, not sure how to break the good news to Angel - she shouldn't make him happy before Willow had done the spell. But when Angel came running, waving an axe, she realized happiness wouldn't be the problem.
He looked up at her, his jaw dropping. "Buffy...? BEHIND YOU!"
"What?"
"Spike! ...Is right behind you!"
"Yeah, I know, he's with me. What's with the axiness?"
"Thought you were an apocalypse. What do you mean 'with you'?"
"Long story. Let's talk. Dawn – stay here, and don't touch ANYTHING." Everyone went into the office, leaving Dawn alone in the lobby.
One reviewer, at this point, asked "wouldn't it be funny if they came back and found Dawn and Connor doing the horizontal mambo?" This caused me to snicker.
37. Souls all around
Grandsire and childe reunion is only a motion away.
Of COURSE that's a Paul Simon reference.
"A SOUL?" Angel hardly trusted his ears. "How? Gypsy curse?"
"African demon."
"Oh." The vampires kept sneaking glances at each other, both very embarrassed. Eventually Spike broke the silence.
"Look, I'm sorry about..."
"No, I'm the one who should apologize, if it wasn't for me you wouldn't..."
"Angel, I –"
"William, I –"
Again with the awkward silence, until Wesley spoke up. "Much as I hate to interrupt, we do have an apocalypse to stop. The Reelianoyinbrat could already be here. Buffy, you wouldn't by any chance have anything that can help us defeat it?"
Buffy smiled. "I might. Willow?"
38. Roses are red
There are actually TWO in-jokes in this and the following titles. The first is a Dylan reference: "Roses are red/Violets are blue/And time is beginning to crawl" from "Where Teardrops Fall", possibly the hokiest line in the man's entire production. The second is a really bizarre joke between me and Axel Osbourne, the gist of which was that Angel, Spike and Dru used to dress up as the Golden Girls during sex. Angel was Rose, since Spike sort of looks like Bea Arthur.
Angel learns the intricacies of getting a new and improved soul.
"Angel, there's no time! The Reelianoyinbrat..."
"...can wait, Wes. Don't make me regret forgiving you for Connor. (This is where it struck me that Wesley shouldn't be there at all, he should be drinking alone in his apartment waiting for Lilah to show up. It's a quick'n'dirty fix.) So, Willow... what's the catch? Getting a permanent soul can't be that easy."
"No. Before I use the improved curse, you must... lose the soul you have now."
"But that only happens when I..."
"Exactly." Buffy started undressing. "Let's go."
Angel blushed. "Actually, Buffy..."
(...)
Twenty minutes later, Spike came out of Angel's room, smoking a cigarette and buttoning his pants. "Alright. He's soulless."
"Peachy." Buffy stopped punching the wall. "Willow, soul him. Then let's go home and never ever EVER mention this again."
39. Violence is blue
A prophecy comes to pass following a household accident.
Dawn quote: "Household crossbow accident claims teen."
Meanwhile, Dawn was moping around the lobby. "'Don't do this.' 'Don't touch that.' 'Don't kill this.' 'Don't fuck that.' Why couldn't Faith be my sister instead... Cool!" She'd spotted Angel's weapons cabinet. She was fiddling with a state-of-the-art crossbow when suddenly there was a crackling of energy behind her.
This is where a lot of people thought this story was going Dawn/Connor. Not to knock anybody's ship, but... that's one pairing I'm not going to write anytime soon.
With a surprised "Eeep!", Dawn spun around and within a fraction of a second, her vampire senses told her three things:
1) A boy wearing animal skins had just appeared out of nowhere.
2) He was kinda cute.
3) In her surprise, she had accidentally triggered the crossbow, killing him instantly.
40. And time is beginning to crawl
Ooops.
Willow had just completed the spell when they heard Dawn scream. Everyone ran downstairs – Angel slightly bow-legged – and entered the lobby just as Dawn dropped the crossbow with a clatter. Wesley gasped in shock.
Dawn looked at the boy who had never done her any harm, or even annoyed her... and had been a lot cuter without an arrow through his eye. Her soul was firing on all cylinders, pumping out shiny new farm-fresh guilt by the gallon; she wigged. With a whimper, Dawn turned away and ran outside, not noticing Buffy yelling her name – or the extra-non-vampire-friendly LA sunshine.
41. Obligatory slow-motion sequence
Come on. This is season 3 of "Angel". Action scenes never play out at normal speed.This was an obvious joke, but... I had just watched "A New World". I swear that episode was 19 minutes long before they slowed all of it down to less than half speed.
As Dawn ran outside...
...Buffy followed, but for some reason she was only able to run vvveeerrryyy ssslllooowwwlllyyy...
...Angel copped a feel as he kept Spike from running after Dawn into the sun...
...Wesley stared at the dead boy...
...Willow tried to think of a spell to cause an eclipse, or at least thicken smog...
...Gunn and Fred, who didn't know Dawn was a vampire, wondered why everyone was so upset...
...Cordelia ascended to a higher plane for no apparent reason...
I picture it happening a bit like an ejector seat or something. A big cosmic "YOINK!"
...and Dawn looked up into the bright sunlight, gasped, stumbled and hit the ground in an especially sunny spot.
42. The last thoughts of Vampire Dawn
And if I fry before I bake...
They say that before you die, your life flashes before your eyes. Here’s a top-ten of what went through Dawn’s mind as she waited to burst into flame:
10. ’Hit Me Baby One More Time’. (Hey, it’s catchy.)
Thereby possibly proving that Britney Spears is evil, but of course we knew that.
9. "I’m hungry."
8. That time she and Spike tried... yup, definitely not going to heaven.
No, I'm not saying what they tried. Whatever is the dirrtiest thing you can imagine two creatures with superpowers and very high pain thresholds can do to each other for pleasure. The reader's imagination is always worse than anything I can actually write down.
7. Lots of images of keys going into locks. And something Willow said about Freud.
Of COURSE this is Dawn fulfilling her keydom. It's fate, prophecy, destiny, and all that Angel crap.
6. "Shit. Forgot sunblock."
5. That time she drenched Buffy and Angel with a waterballoon mid-smooch. That was cool.
Anything to sneak in a fake pre-s5 Dawn memory.
4. "I don’t wanna die..."
3. "...uh, again."
2. Buffy.
1. Mom.
43. Burn, baby, burn
Can Dawn die?
Initial reviewer reaction: "No, Dawn can't die!" Well, no, vampires can't die, technically. But...
As Dawn fell down and rolled around on the sunny curb shrieking, expecting to burst into flame any second, Buffy threw herself on top of her sister to shield her. It was several confused seconds of tangled limbs, screams and "ooof"s before they both realised that...
...Dawn wasn't even smoking, although she'd been in the sun a while. Shocked, she looked up at Buffy who stared back at her non-flamey sister... then wrapped her arms around her, feeling her warmth, her ragged breath, and her heartbeat.
"Dawn... You're alive!"
Everyone stared at them incredulously.
"She's not a vampire! She's alive!"
44. In the dark
Spike and Angel, sitting in a tree. Or standing in the shadows. Same diff.
As Wesley and Willow joined the group hug outside, Spike smiled and put his arm around Angel. "Ain't that somethin'? Good for Niblet."
"But that's... impossible. Vampires don't just become human. I should know, I've been trying for years." Angel glanced at the corpse on the floor. So this was the Reeliwhatchamacallit? Looked familiar... oh well, he'd seen plenty demons in 240 years. "Gunn? Could you get rid of that?"
Awwww. Angel being all mopy and awkward and petty.
"Sure. The black man gets to take out the trash." Gunn decapitated the body, just in case. "By the way, where's Cordy?"
"No idea. Probably had an audition or something."
45. California Sun
Yeah, they're out there having fun.
"California Sun" by The Rivieras, famously covered by The Ramones.
Buffy hugged Dawn, crying tears of joy and prattling on and on about how Dawn was a beautiful woman and she wanted to show her the world when Dawn interrupted her.
"Seriously, Sis – love ya, but enough with the speechifying. (Buffy's speech in "Grave" is one of the less successful in a long career of rousing speeches.) Right now I'll settle for being shown Venice Beach. I so need to catch some rays and check out cute non-undead boys."
"Not that there's anything wrong with that", Willow grinned. (Of COURSE that's a Seinfeld reference.) Arms around each other, the three walked to the car, laughing and joking.
Wesley went back inside and found Angel panicking. "Hit the books, Wes. Something's very wrong here."
46. Some-one-was-n't-wooorthy!
Yup, Angel has every reason to be worried.
"So, Wes. Explain. How come Dawn's human?"
"I should think it's obvious. She has a soul, she killed the Reelianoyinbrat - albeit accidentally - thereby averting the apocalypse... ring any bells?"
"Oh no..." Angel gained 20 pounds as realization sank in.
It would never occur to me to suggest that Angel was a bit... stout in s5.
Wesley read from an ancient scroll. "’There's a lady who's sure...’ – er, sorry, wrong scroll. (Of COURSE that's a Led Zeppelin reference.) Ah: ’The vampire with a soul, once he’ – or she – ’fulfills his/her destiny, will shanshu’ – become human. Dawn was the one the prophecy spoke of, not you, and..." he nodded to Spike, "...certainly not you."
Connor does play an integral part in getting Angel into the clutches of Wolfram & Hart and playing their game - without him, no Beast, no Jasmine, no evil Cordy, no wiping out of the LA offices of W&H, no big amnesia spell, no Angel CEO, no last stand in the alley... kill Connor at this point, and you will stop (or at least severely mar) W&H's apocalypse plans. Dawn fulfills the prophecy in one fell swoop.
The non-prophesized vampires looked at each other.
"Aw, f..."
47. Sibling Rivalry, Part III
And as the sun sets over the Pacific in a postcardy (Of COURSE that's a Frank Zappa reference) fashion, some closing arguments in the car between Venice Beach and Sunnydale.
Dawn giggled. "Sorry, sis, it’s not my fault the guys at the beach found me hotter than you."
"You are not! Undressed-er, maybe. NOT hotter."
"Am too!"
"Are not! Will, expert opinion?"
"You're asking if I’m more attracted to my best friend or her kid sister?"
"Uh-huh!"
"Not touching that one."
"See, Dawn? Willow doesn't wanna touch you!"
"Buff, that's not what..."
I love this exchange. It IS canon that Willow thinks Dawn is inappropriately hot ("Him"), but I don't see her telling Buffy that.
"STOP!" Dawn interrupted. "We forgot Spike!"
Buffy clenched her teeth. "Spike... won’t be coming back with us."
"Nobody ever wants to hang with me! I hate you! WHIIIIINE..."
"Oh, brother. Will, does that soul spell work on humans...?"
THE END
48. Epilogue
Vampire Dawn is no more, and so the story, alas, must end. Here's a brief summary of what happened afterwards.
Dawn remained a little spoiled and self-absorbed, and somehow got a reputation as a slut, but at least she didn't drink people's blood anymore.
Xander and Anya got married.
As did Willow and Tara.
And, why the hell not, Buffy and Clem. (Long story.) CLUFFY! <3!
Giles gave all of them away – gladly – before moving to England to join Pink Floyd.
Spike and Angel, no longer tied up in prophecies, moved in together. Their constant bickering kept them from knowing perfect happiness, but they did brood a lot together (if you know what I mean, nudge nudge).
Andrew stayed in the closet.
And thus it's actually a really happy ending. Seasons 4 and 5 of Angel would be VERY different, since the apocalypse has been averted (for the time being), life in Sunnydale is a lot happier, etc. I AM a big softy at heart.
