Ficlet: The Kitchen Sink Cracked From Side To Side

[beer_good_foamy]

Happy comic!crack!day, everyone! OK, so I had a couple of different ideas left that I was considering using for comicsnarkathon, and since we'll soon have about six months in which to write carefully thought-out crack about #35, eventually I decided to just toss them all together into one rather gratuitous flashfic, fittingly titled...

Title: The Kitchen Sink Cracked From Side To Side
Author: Beer Good (beer_good_foamy)
Fandom: Season 8
Word Count: ~850
Rating: PG13
Warnings: ***Metamorphosis, character redeath, implied mutilation, canon events***
Summary: In the last days, everything happens at once.

The Kitchen Sink Cracked From Side To Side

"OK, no way I'm cleaning that up." Dawn made sure to stay clear of the large reddish stain on the carpet.

Xander did likewise, looked around the improvised Slayer dorm that had until recently been Twilight's HQ, and then looked at Willow who had been here when they came in. "What the hell happened here?"

"Well, see, um..." Willow fidgeted and was clearly trying to find a way to explain it in sequence. "OK, you know how we're letting Warren and Amy walk around on their own, gloat about how evil they are, and generally be annoying?"

Xander and Dawn both nodded. "Of course." "Sure."

"So I came in here to, um, check on the other Slayers, and found Warren injecting them with something." She pointed at a vial on the nightstand table, marked with a big skull and crossbones symbol.

"Warren was poisoning Slayers?"

"Uh-huh. He said something about old habits dying hard."

Xander looked at Willow, and then at the big reddish stain on the floor. "Willow... you didn't."

"Why shouldn't I? This is the psycho who murdered the love of my life, who kidnapped and lobotomized me, who killed dozens of Slayers, who's never shown the tiniest bit of remorse..."

"So you..."

"Darn tootin' I did!" Willow nodded emphatically. "I glared at him. Y'know, really disapprovingly."

"That's all?" Dawn frowned. "So what's that yuckiness on the floor?"

"Well, turned out that poison isn't lethal, it's some sort of psychic thingamadoodie that manifests a person's dreams."

"And that would explain why he's here." Xander pointed to the cheeseman who was standing by the bed. The cheeseman bowed in return, and dangled a few cheese slices.

"Yup. Which, y'know, wouldn't have been so bad if Amy hadn't walked in just then," Willow continued.

"Amy doesn't like cheese?"

"I think it's safe to say she has cheese issues, what with the way she was all 'AAAAAH!' and then 'THUD'." Willow pointed at the evil witch, still lying unconscious over by the door. "And since her spell was the only thing holding Warren together... well..." She nodded at the spot on the floor.

"So how caaaaaaark?" Dawn was about to say something when she unexpectedly evolved into a penguin, lost her balance and sat down on her rump. Before Xander and Willow had time to comment on this, the door flew open and Giles walked in. "Good Lord, what's happened here?"

Willow and Xander looked at each other "Um..."

Their attempts at coming up with an explanation was cut short as Satsu ran past, wearing nothing but a sheer negligé. Then Riley briefly walked in, did nothing and walked out again, before finally Faith threw the door open and stomped into the room, losing and regaining her Slayer powers three times along the way. "OK, what the f#©% is going on? And why the f#©% can't I talk properly?"

Giles groaned. "How on Earth am I supposed to figure out how to kill Buffy in this... noise?"

"You mean that noise?" Xander nodded towards the ceiling as another sonic boom rippled through the air... and was promptly followed by a high-pitched yelp. "What was that?"

"I think that's Angel," Willow winced. "You know how Buffy absorbed the scythe...? Well, now that it's inside her and, um, designed to cut up vampires..." She glanced at her wrist as they heard a faint scream getting louder. "...three, two, one."

"aaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Angel plunged through the roof and landed on one of the empty beds, where he lay whimpering and bleeding from places best not mentioned.

"Ouch." Xander winced, then remembered Angel's actions over the last year and shrugged. "Vagina dentata, what a wonderful phrase... So what do we do about Dawn? I mean, we're supposed to be a couple and we've barely even had a chance to talk in months, not to mention that after Praying Mantis Lady, beastiality really isn't my thing."

"Hey, don't knock it til you... I-I mean," Willow stammered, gesturing discreetly at Saga Vasuki to keep hiding under one of the beds, "we'll fix it somehow. I know who's responsible, so we'll look him up in a year or so."

Just then Satsu walked in, triumphantly carrying one of Andrew's Transformer toys which had come to life and tried to kill everyone, but was now already mellowing down and starting its redemption arc. Satsu was about to speak when there was a loud whistle from outside, followed by the sound of shrieking brakes. Xander walked over to the window and looked out. "Hey, it's a 19th century steam train. With Spike driving. And Tara, and Forrest, and Joyce, and Wesley, and Marcie, and Sunday, and that one guy who said something in the Bronze once, and..." He looked back at the others. "So how do we explain this mess?"

They all looked around. Dawn ruffled her feathers and kaaarked in sympathy before snapping at Saga Vasuki's tail. The cheeseman munched enigmatically on a slice of cheddar. Angel whimpered softly about how he should have learned from Caleb's example. All the Slayers kept snoring.

"OK. Show of hands... and flippers. All in favour of saying this was just fated to happen and that's all there is to it?"