beer_good_foamy (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
beer_good_foamy) wrote2006-09-01 11:28 am
beer_good_foamy) wrote2006-09-01 11:28 am
Gonna Make You Bark
Features one of the weirdest slash pairings I've ever written, Adam Baldwin playing two roles at the same time, and Spike finally telling Angel how he feels. Lots of fun. Again, let's make fun of the Broody Dark Avenger.
Title: Gonna Make You Bark
Author: Beer Good (![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
beer_good_foamy)
Rating: PG13
Word Count: ~6500
Fandom: Angel, s5
Characters: AtS gang; Angel/Nina, Angel/?, Spike/Buffy (hinted), Wes/Fred
Disclaimer: Joss owns all characters, Jack London owns the last line.
Summary: PuppetAngel has a problem. Well, duh. OK, let me rephrase that: he has more than one problem. Things go horribly, dreadfully, and adorably wrong after 'Smile Time' when it turns out that werewolf bites are, well, werewolf bites. Silliness level: high.
GONNA MAKE YOU BARK
Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 5 - Chapter 6 - Epilogue
Chapter 1: No, Nina! Bad Nina!
- What do puppets eat?
- Let's find out...
Gunn and Lorne were getting worried, and Spike was getting bloody annoyed. They had a team meeting booked with Angel 20 minutes ago, and it wasn't like him to be this late. Finally the elevator arrived from the private penthouse and their boss – or rather, the two-foot puppet into which he had been transformed – stepped out, walked with a weird bounce in his step over to his desk and climbed up onto the chair.
"Right. Sorry I'm late. Let's get this thing settled. The Grohben demons are planning something, and we..." He looked around the office, especially at the two empty chairs. "Where are Wes and Fred?"
"They’re... uh... busy. They had some sort of project to work on." Lorne was a bit embarrassed; when the new couple left the office in an awful hurry Wesley had been whistling, and he had gotten a pretty good visual of what they would be up to.
"Too busy to sit in on important meetings?"
Spike scoffed. "Please. You're one to talk, mate. Where you been all day, anyway? Everyone around the office has been askin' if it's true that the boss turned into a puppet, and since I forgot to take a picture –"
"If you must know, I've been having breakfast."
"Angel, it's 5PM." Gunn held up his Rolex. "Besides, you don't eat."
"Yeah, turns out puppets have... uh... a big appetite. Takes time."
"Well whatever you’ve been eating, it seems to have done you a world of good, Mister Fuzzypants!" Lorne beamed at him. "I mean look at that, your scars, I mean... stitches from where Nina bit you are already healing."
"Nina didn't – oh, you mean when she was a wolf. Yeah. Vampire healing. So, about the Grohben demons, I think we should -"
Everyone's attention turned towards the elevator as the doors opened again and Nina stepped out. "Hi guys." She walked over to Angel and playfully ruffled his hair. "Mornin', stud."
"Morning, Nina. I trust you slept well on the couch?" Angel desperately tried to wink at her to make her catch his drift; turned out puppets didn't have eyelids. She caught on all the same, though.
"Wha- oh, yeah, the... couch, right. Great couch. Will you be down to the cage to, uh, tuck me in later? Sun's going down in an hour or so."
"Soon as this meeting's over. Promise."
Nina smiled and kissed the top of his head. She whispered something in his ear - hey, look, puppets can blush - and sashayed out of the office, not noticing the way the others stared at her. When she'd gone, they stared at Angel instead.
"So..." Gunn started. "Breakfast, huh?"
Angel rolled his eyes – now that puppets can do. "OK, you got me. We did eat breakfast. We just... progressed from there."
"And you wouldn't say you're evil at all?"
"Oh come on, I'm a freakin' puppet! Do you really think I could be perfectly happy like that? Yes, I had sex, it’s no big deal, mind your own business and could we PLEASE discuss what we're gonna do about the Grohben demons already?"
The discussion turned out to be a rather loud and heated one, thanks in part to Angel's puppet-enhanced excitability. The fact that Spike would much rather speculate on exactly how puppets are equipped, and whether Nina agreed that it wasn’t a "big deal", didn't help either. Before anyone knew it, an hour had gone by. Gunn was just making a probably correct but very boring reference to some previous court case that could help them when Angel suddenly gasped and doubled over in pain. Everyone stopped talking and ran to his side.
"Angel, you OK, man?"
Angel grimaced in agony, but managed to smile. "Guess I'm finally changing back. Sorry, Spike, seems you'll have to deal with the real me agaiNAAAARGH!"
The others stared in disbelief at the puppet. He was changing, alright, but there was something very wrong. He wasn't growing larger or more flesh-and-bone-y, just... furrier. It was Lorne who first looked out the window at the setting sun and put two and two together. "Um... guys... it's a full moon tonight, right?"
"Yeah, third night. That's why Nina is downst-" Gunn suddenly understood. "Wait, I thought vampires were supposed to be immune to werewolf bites?"
"I guess puppets aren't."
They all stared as Angel turned into a little stuffed wolf. He looked up at them and bared his tiny teeth, then let out an adorable little howl and scampered out into the lobby, where he tried to savage Harmony. He failed miserably since his teeth and claws were made of felt. Gunn ran after him – "Angel! STAY!" – while Lorne sighed and sat down; this would be a PR nightmare. A vampire werewolf running an evil lawfirm, that he could probably sell, but... as a puppet, he was just too darn cute.
Spike, of course, was busy rolling around on the floor laughing his ass off. "He... he’s a wee little puppy man!"
Back up top.
Chapter 2: Fine Furried Friends
Wesley, Gunn and Lorne watched as Angel slept in Fred's lap, his little wolf legs twitching every now and then and excited little Yip! Yip!s escaping from between his little fangs as he dreamt of... whatever it is that wolves and dogs dream of.
"So..." The lawyer eventually started. "Sun's been up for three hours now. How come he ain't changing back?"
Wesley looked at Gunn and shrugged. "Hard to tell. As far as I have been able to find out, nothing like this has ever happened before. First he was turned into a vampire, then he got a soul which he proceeded to lose and regain at least twice that we know of, then he was turned into a puppet and finally now into a werewolf..."
"Plus, there's the hundred years in a hell dimension that he's never really said anything about."
"And also that time in Pylea when he turned into... whatever that was."
"Yeah, and the old guy who stole his body for-"
"Yes, quite." Wesley glared at Gunn and Lorne, not happy to be interrupted when he was in exposition mode. "Point is, he's been turned into something different from his natural state so many times, my educated guess is that whatever rules these things has simply gotten... confused. He was supposed to change back from a puppet, and he was supposed to change back from a wolf, and apparently they've cancelled each other out."
"So, what? You're saying he's stuck like this?"
"Possibly. There is no way of knowing. I've been going through the records and there is simply no precedent for anything like this. There was one vampire who was turned into a woman once, but other than that..." The former Watcher was all out of ideas. He then went bright red with jealousy as Angel rubbed up against Fred's boobs in his sleep.
Lorne was still mulling it over. "So, isn't there someone else we could ask?"
"Um..." Wes focused. "Well, if Wolfram & Hart's records cannot tell us anything, I really don't know who could. Possibly the Watcher's Council, but..."
"...they trust us about as far as they could throw us", Gunn nodded. "Still, can't hurt to ask. Even if Buffy's angry with Angel, I don't think she wants him to go permanently Lon Chaney Jr junior. I'll have Harmony call Giles and try and set up a meeting."
Ten minutes later, Harmony ran into the office, looking very excited. "Great news, guys! I just got off the phone with that librarian guy. He said he'd send his top expert for stuff like this immediately and he should be here tomorrow morning."
***
And so, next morning, Wesley and Gunn stood in front of the elevator looking like like two kids at Christmas waiting for the Watcher's Council expert to arrive . The night had been... well, not exactly rough, but weird. Angel was still a stuffed wolf, and had tried again to savage anyone in sight. And hough that was fun for a while (not to mention how adorable everyone thought it was) it got distracting since his fur was so, well, ticklish. So eventually they’d simply leashed him to the desk, and he’d spent the night under it brooding until he fell asleep.
Gunn looked at his watch. "So, Wes, you've hung with these people more than any of us. Who's this top expert? And please tell me it's not that Andrew guy again."
"Well, my guess would be a certain young man named Oz. He has first-hand experience of both vampires and werewolves, and while he and I never saw quite eye to eye – literally and figuratively, he is not very tall – he apparently got on quite well with Angel. It would make sense for them to send him."
Just then the elevator door opened and in walked...
...a UPS employee carrying a cardboard box. "Package for Wesley Wyndam-Pryce?"
The Englishman frowned and signed for it, and then he and Gunn stood there staring at the box in puzzlement.
"That Oz?" Gunn looked unconvinced. "You said the dude was small, but..."
"Open it." Wesley unfolded the accompanying letter and began reading.
"Dear Wesley,
while it is true that it is not common Council procedure to come to the aid of Wolfram & Hart, we realize that this is a special case..."
Gunn got out a box cutter and opened the package.
"...and therefore have decided to honour your request for help and send you our foremost expert on stuffed animals. We hope that you will find his services satisfactory."
Gunn reached inside the box, tossed out some styrofoam packing pellets and pulled out – “Huh?" – Buffy's stuffed pig.
"We would be grateful if you could return Mister Gordo to us as soon as you are done with him. We really cannot spare him for long. I assume I do not need to remind you how dear he is to Buffy, and how disappointed she would be if anything were to happen to him.
Regards,
Rupert Giles
P.S. In the event that Andrew wasn't clear on this: We really do not trust you, you work for Wolfram & Hart, and we are not on the same side. May I suggest you get Angel a little collar? I understand leather is quite durable."
Gunn looked with confusion at the cuddly little pig in his hands. Wesley calmly folded the letter up, calmly put it back inside the box, and then calmly pulled out his gun and emptied the clip into the box sending styrofoam pellets flying everywhere. "Right. So we’re back to square one, then."
Back up top.
Chapter 3: Meet the new boss
Marcus Hamilton carefully checked his reflection in the shiny elevator door before it opened on the top floor of Wolfram & Hart’s Los Angeles office. It was his first day as liaison to the Senior Partners, and he was determined to make an impression right away. Angel was to be an incredibly important player in the upcoming apocalypse, and if the Senior Partners were happy with Hamilton’s performance he could be looking at a very cushy position after the smoke cleared. Perhaps even full partnership.
Stepping out of the elevator, he was annoyed as a good-looking blonde woman bumped into him. She was obviously very upset for some reason, crying and not watching where she was going, but he still briefly considered ripping her head off. That would be one way to make an impression. It would also mean he’d have to go home and change into another Armani suit, however, so he let her go and walked up to Angel’s secretary’s desk.
"Sorry about that", the blonde vampire behind the desk smiled as she went into gossip mode. "That was Angel’s ex Nina, she’s –"
Hamilton stopped her with a decisive stare and the hint of a small, professional smile that just screamed superiority. "I don’t care. I’m here to see Angel, I’m his new liaison to the Senior Partners."
"Really? Cool! What happened to Eve?"
"Believe me, you don’t want to know."
"Oh, I do! I’m always eager to learn and as an up-and-coming working gal I –"
"We transferred her to our office in Kansas." He smiled as Harmony stared at him in horror. "I told you you didn’t want to know. Now, I think you had better take me to your leader, as the saying goes. The Senior Partners haven’t heard from or seen Angel for days, and they are getting very worried."
"Well... OK." Harmony sighed and looked very uncomfortable. "I suppose... step right this way." She led him over to the office and opened the door.
The scene that was revealed would have seemed very cute to anyone able to appreciate cuteness, which Hamilton unfortunately couldn’t. Fred was on the floor playing with Angel, using Mr Gordo as bait. Angel was in heaven, his little tail wagging as he pounced again and again on the stuffed pig, his harmless teeth barely ruffling its pink fur. Occasionally he allowed himself to be caught and have Fred scratch his belly. When Hamilton walked in, the playing stopped and Angel looked up with a questioning look on his acrylic face. "Rrrr?"
Fred got up from the floor looking embarrassed. "Hiya. Can I help you?"
"Yes, I’m looking for Angel. I was told he was here, but –"
"Oh, that’s him." Fred pointed at the wolf.
Hamilton looked at the wolf.
Then he looked at Fred.
Then he looked at the wolf.
Then he looked at Fred. "THIS... is Angel?"
"Well, there was a spell, and then he got bit by a werewolf, and –"
"Let me get this straight." Hamilton interrupted her, and as he quickly glanced out the window he could have sworn he saw his career opportunities grow wings and fly far far away. "You allowed the CEO of Wolfram & Hart’s Los Angeles division, the champion of mankind, the souled vampire who's supposed to be playing a pivotal role in the upcoming apocalypse to be turned into a stuffed toy?"
"I guess." Fred shifted awkwardly. "If it's any consolation, I think he still has a soul. Kinda hard to tell, obviously. But he broods a lot at night."
"And exactly who is in charge here while Angel is... indisposed?"
Fred's face took on a dreamy look. "That would be Wes... ley. Wesley Wyndam-Pryce."
"Then would you please fetch him?" Hamilton's tone didn't sound like a friendly suggestion, and Fred quickly excused herself. Hamilton sighed. He sincerely hoped the Senior Partners weren't watching as he knelt down beside the puppet champion vampire werewolf with a soul, taking great care to speak slowly. "So, Angel. We meet at last. My name is Marcus Hamilton and I will be your new liaison to the Senior Partners. It’s an honor to be working with you."
Angel, who had been busy trying to scratch the top of his head with his hind leg, now tilted his head and regarded the big man curiously. "Mrrf?"
Hamilton wondered if that was supposed to be "Marcus?". Maybe he could still establish some sort of communication with Angel? He was about to try when he felt Harmony still looking intently at him. He turned around and fixed her with an icy stare. "Any reason you’re still here?"
"Oh, nothing, it’s just... haven't I seen you somewhere before?"
"No."
"No, but seriously, aren't you that guy from that sci-fi show on -"
"No."
"You sure?" She obviously wasn't convinced. "Prove it. Say 'I'll be in my bunk'."
"Angel and I have important business to discuss. Get OUT." When Harmony still didn’t move, Hamilton simply grabbed her and tossed her out into the hallway.
At this point, Angel casually strolled over to Hamilton, lifted his leg and let out a long yellow stream, dousing the lawyer’s expensive suit in wolf-pee from the knee downwards. He then barked once, carefully picked up Mr Gordo between his jaws and strutted proudly into the elevator.
Hamilton stared as the elevator doors closed, and then grudgingly bent down and wrung the pee out of his trouser leg. "Gorramit." Muttering in Chinese, he left the building to go home and change.
Back up top.
Chapter 4: Piggyback Mountain
The last few days and nights had been very confusing for poor Mr Gordo. When his Girl and the Big One With Shiny Glass Eyes had put him into a box they had giggled a lot, and he had thought this was just a new game. But then Girl had kissed him and wished him good luck, they closed the lid and gave the box to someone called You Pee Ess and then everything had been very dark and thumpy bouncy for a long time. Then he had arrived at the Very Tall House in a place they called Ell Aye and barely had time to look around before Stubbly One made that noise with his stick to punish the box that Mr Gordo had come in. All in all, he had been one scared and confused little piggy.
But when they brought him in to see the one all the Big Ones called Ayn Gel but Mr Gordo had always thought of as Dark One, he had understood. He had a job to do. The last time he had seen Dark One had been in Girl's bedroom many many days ago, and back then he had been big, loud and with very pointy fur on his head. Now he was different; a Fuzzy One just like Mr Gordo himself, even if he could still move around. It was very strange, but Mr Gordo knew that Girl had sent him here so that Dark One could have someone else around who knew what it was like to be small and fuzzy and cute. And so he had been there for Dark One, letting him play or just cuddle or whatever he wanted. Even if Dark One played a bit rougher than Mr Gordo was used to, it was fine. Better than fine; Mr Gordo had always liked Dark One, and ever since he had left the House and gone on the Big Yellow Bus many many days ago he had not had a chance to talk to any other Fuzzy Ones. To be reunited with him and make a new fuzzy friend at the same time made Mr Gordo very happy.
And for two days, that was all it had been. And then...
Mr Gordo had known about the game that the Big Ones called "Secks" for a few years now. He had seen his Girl and the Big One called Rye Lee play it on her bed more times than he could count on his four hooves, and one time when Red Fur Girl and Shy Girl had played it they had almost let him join in. It had seemed like a fun game, even if they were always very sweaty afterwards and so tired they had to sleep in the same bed, which seemed very crowded to Mr Gordo. He had supposed it wasn't a game for little pigs. But tonight, after Dark One had defeated the Big Ugly One In A Suit, he had carried Mr Gordo to the couch, gently laid him down and... Oh, Oink. Oink. OIIINK! It was wonderful.
***
"Angel? Fred said you wanted to see me...?" Wes walked into the penthouse wondering why he bothered speaking to the stuffed wolf; so far they had no indication that he even understood what they said. But Fred had seemed very adament about it, something about a new liaison to the Senior Partners, so he assumed it had to be important and – "NO, Angel! Bad wolf!" He ran to the couch and pulled the wildly humping werewolf off Mr Gordo, only a little too late... ewww. Slimy. Angel was furious and tried to bite him, which Wesley supposed was a good sign; at least he wasn't perfectly happy. Carefully, Wesley picked Mr Gordo up and took him downstairs to see if Fred could figure out a good way to clean him.
Back up top.
Chapter 5: Feelin' Blue
A couple days after the Mr Gordo incident, Angel went missing. He had been broodier than usual, not wanting to play, fetch sticks or even mutilate people. The entire gang searched for him all over the office – this was especially tricky since there were always a lot of demons running around here that no one really seemed to know, and it wouldn't do to let everyone know about Angel. Around lunchtime Wesley, Gunn and Spike met up in Wesley's office to assess the situation.
"It's your bloody fault, you know." The vampire glared at Wesley. "If you hadn't taken away his toy, he wouldn't have scampered off."
Wesley bit back on his sarcastic retort and instead tried to scratch his stubble, forgetting that he had actually shaved this morning. He sighed with disappointment and nodded thoughtfully; Angel definitely hadn't been happy about having Mr Gordo taken away from him.
"See?", Spike turned to Gunn. "Even head boy agrees. I say just give him the damn pig back and be done with it."
"Surely you're joking." Wesley stared at him.
"Why would I be joking? And don't call me Shirley."
"Mr Gordo is the symbol of Buffy's childlike innocence. Which is a bit anachronistic, I admit, but can you imagine what she'd do if she found out that Angel had... had..."
Thankfully Wesley didn't have to say out loud what Angel and Mr Gordo had been up to, as they were interrupted. Fred's assistant Knox walked in, looking nervous and toady as always. "Hey guys. Look, you haven't seen Fred anywhere, have you?"
Everyone looked a bit uncomfortable; they all knew about Knox's crush on Fred. "Look, bro", Gunn started, "You had your shot with –"
"Oh, no, it's nothing like that, it's work-related", the science geek quickly covered. "It's... we got a delivery of some... stuff I'd really like her to look at. Like, in person. Like, really soon." He was bouncing on his heels, clearly very excited about something.
"Well, why don't you ask her yourself?" Gunn pointed to Fred who just walked in, carrying a struggling Angel. "There he is! Where did you find him?"
"He was playing on top of some big ol' sarcophagus we just got delivered." Fred looked worried. "At least I think he was playing, he was acting kinda weird, coughing and pawing at his nose like he'd smelt something bad."
No one noticed that Knox suddenly turned very pale. They were all focused on Angel, who did look a little weird. He was still coughing, yet at the same time looking even more arrogant than usual, and his normally black and gray acrylic fiber fur had taken on a tone which shifted in... well...
"Oi, since when are werewolves blue? Is he turning into something again?"
Spike's offhand comment had the others a little too concerned. Fred carefully put Angel down on the thick carpet. "Guys... I'm not sure I like this at all. He really does look kind of blue, and not in a nice mellow Miles Davis way either."
"Research?" Gunn asked.
"That would probably be in order, yes", Wesley mused. "Knox, you take a look at that sarcophagus, see if you can figure anything out. Gunn, go to the White Room and talk to the conduit. Fred, you, me and Lorne hit the books, and Spike... just keep an eye on Angel." They walked out of the office, leaving Spike to watch Angel sniffing around the carpet.
Spike got up, closed and locked the door and then kneeled down next to Angel. Shit. He really looked weird, and there was an icy gleam in his eye Spike hadn't seen in a long time. He wondered if this really could be the end for the old guy, if this final transformation, whatever it was, would finally do him in – or at least turn him into something so far removed from Angel or Angelus that they would never be able to get him back again. He reached out and playfully ruffled his tickly fur. Angel snapped at his fingers with his harmless teeth; whatever the change was, it didn't seem to hurt too much for him to play, or fight, or whatever that was supposed to be. Spike tried imagining an unlife without his old grandsire; funny, for all the times they'd fought, he'd never actually thought about what it would mean to go on without him.
"Look, Angel... OK, so I don't rightly know if you even understand what I'm saying, and I should probably have told you this a long time ago. But I s'pose now's a good a time as we will ever get, right? I mean, I'm sure your pals will yank the iron out of the fire, as it were, but just in case they don't there's some things I think I really ought to to tell you."
Spike took a deep breath and a shit-eating grin spread across his face.
"So this one time, right, me and Buffy were up on the balcony at the Bronze and she had this really short skirt on, and..."
Back up top.
Chapter 6: Of Wolf And Man...pire
Gunn walked into the W&H library where Wesley, Fred and Lorne were busy looking through hundreds of volumes. "Find anything yet?"
"Well", Wesley pointed at two dusty books in a corner, "those are the ones we’ve been able to rule out so far."
Gunn picked up one of the discarded books. "Manifestations of the demon Azarath, huh? And the rest..."
"Well, let’s just say we have a lot of options. Demon possession isn’t exactly rare, I’m afraid. Was your trip to the White Room helpful?"
"Hard to tell", Gunn frowned. "But the conduit did say something about old ones and forgotten scrolls."
"Of course!" Wesley’s eyes lit up as he picked up one of his can-recall-any-text-in-the-entire-universe-books and spoke to it softly enough to make Fred feel jealous. "Search the oldest texts for any references to the still remaining Old Ones, cross-referenced with demon possessions, sarcophagi, and The Complete Calvin And Hobbes." Wesley opened the book and lots of text in five different alphabets and the occasional cartoon tiger filled the pages. "Ah, yes. This looks a likely candidate. It's called Illyria, a great monarch and warrior of the demon age, murdered by rivals in an epic snowball battle and left adrift in the Deeper Well – a burial ground, a resting place of all the remaining Old Ones."
"This one ain't restin'", Gunn pointed out. "How did an ancient evil end up at Wolfram & Ha... OK, that bit makes sense. But why would it want to possess a stuffed wolf?"
"I have no idea", Wesley answered with dawning horror. "But if we don't stop it, this being could take him over completely. It will gradually burn him out of his own body until there's nothing left."
Fred grimaced. "Eww. That’s gotta... suck."
"Indeed. So the question is, how do we..."
Just then the wooden door to the library was shattered in spectacular fashion as somebody was thrown right through it, crashing into and being buried under the huge pile of books. Before they had time to look who it was, Marcus Hamilton stepped through the door straightening his tie.
"Christ, man, don’t you ever KNOCK like normal people?" Gunn got ready to fight.
Hamilton smiled. "I apologize. Force of habit. Actually, I’m here to help."
"Sure you are, pound cake." Lorne turned to the others. "Um, I’m thinking maybe we should am-scray? Because, this guy? Trouble, as in BIG."
Hamilton looked annoyed. "But..."
"Lorne's right, Hamilton." Wesley stood up, casually letting Hamilton see that he was armed with his usual handgun. "As liaison to the senior partners, you're about the last person we would be likely to trust right now."
Hamilton looked frustrated. "But..."
"You heard the man." Gunn crossed his arms. "Beat it."
Hamilton lost his patience. "Gorramit, Mal, this ain’t the war! Those mao-tse-tung reavers are gonna..." He noticed everyone staring at him, cleared his throat and got in character again. "What I mean to say is, we have common interests here. The senior partner's don't want to see Angel killed any more than you do... yet... and I am trying to give you a hand."
Wesley regarded him suspiciously. "And what kind of hand would that be?"
"Coming from him, it's probably an evil hand", Fred muttered.
"That was three years ago", Lindsey McDonald slurred as he managed to crawl out from under the pile of books. "I know us Southerners can be slow sometimes, darlin', but get with the program."
Wesley quickly drew his gun and pointed it at Lindsey. "What are you doing here?"
"Beats the hell out of me", Lindsey grumbled as he scowled at Hamilton. "I was in my hell dimension, minding my own business, when this asshole shows up and drags me back to LA to save ANGEL of all people. Needless to say, I'm not here of my own free will."
"Oh, behave yourself." Hamilton picked Lindsey up by the neck and tossed him across the room, then turned to the others. "As I'm sure you already know, Lindsey here happens to be one of the foremost experts on demons in the world. I thought maybe he knows something useful."
Wesley turned to Lindsey. "Of course. You've studied everything going on here for years, not to mention Angel. I suggest", he cocked his gun, "that you tell us how we can fight this. Now."
"'We'?" Lindsey chuckled, wiping some blood from the corner of his mouth. "You can't do anything. It's up to Angel."
"You mean he can fight this thing?"
"Well, duh. He’s a champion, right? He can fight anything if he has a reason to. Question is if he can find the right thing to fight it with. He can kick that demon all the way back to the Deeper Well, but he's going to need something really powerful to draw strength from. The strongest human emotion there is."
"Love?" Fred asked.
Lindsey winked at her. "Yeah, right. What’d ya think, this is some kind of fairytale? Give him a cuddle, give him a kiss, scratch him behind his fuzzy li'l ears and he’ll be fine? Love is nice, people, but in the end it never does anything but complicate things. I mean, do any of you think I came back here just to jump in the sack with Eve? There is always something stronger than love, especially when it comes to demons: Hate. That's what he's going to need. And knowing Angel and his big hangup on good and evil – not to mention what happened the last time he went dark – somehow I don’t see him letting that take over again." Then he laughed the Triumphant Evil Laugh Of I've Finally Got To See My Arch Nemesis Get What He Deserves.
***
Meanwhile, in Wesley's office, Spike was still regaling an ever more agitated Angel with his tales of Spuffyness. "And then there was the time when we were in my crypt, and ooooh, you know that thing Buffy does with her... no wait, sorry, you don't know that, right? Awww, too bad. You really missed out, mate, really. Did you ever even get to see her naked? I mean properly, in good lighting and everything? Man. All that working out she does, you wouldn't believe what she can..."
By now the little stuffed demon god/werewolf was so furious he was starting to turn red. Which, considering he was also in the process of turning blue, gave him a very interesting shade of purple. He kept snapping at Spike's heels, occasionally casting a furious glance around the office.
"Oh", Spike grinned. "I know what you want. Back in half a mo." He got up and started looking around the office, breaking open four or five cabinets before he found what he was looking for and returned to Angel. "THIS is what you want, right? I knew all that pig's blood wasn't good for you." He held up Mr Gordo.
Angel made to grab the pig, but Spike moved it out of his reach just as he was about to get a hold of it. "Oh, sorry. Here, take it." Angel tried again, and Spike quickly tossed the pig from his right hand to his left so Angel couldn't get it. "Man, you really want this, don't you?" Angel glared at him and made another jump, his little teeth snapping shut just an inch below Mr Gordo. "Alright then, sorry for messing with ya. Here, take it. Oooooops!" Again, Spike snatched Mr Gordo away just as Angel made a move for him. "Hehehe. I could go on all night. But alright, take it. HA!" And again. "Awww, poor little puppy. Does puppy want his wittle toy? Alright then, here ya go, boy. HA! Too slow! OK, for real this time. I'm really going to let you have the pig... next time!"
And that was it. As Spike yanked Mr Gordo away from Angel once again, he could have sworn there was actual steam coming out of Angel's ears. Then the little bluish wolf howled with fury and lunged at his throat hard enough to knock him over onto his back... and then it began to change.
First the blue colour faded from his fur.
Then the synthetic hair started looking more life-like.
Then the hair started retreating from most of his body, except the top of his head where it became a lot pointier.
Then he started growing.
Then his skin started turning more... uh, skin-like.
Until finally, just as the others walked in, it was the Angel of old, flesh and bones, vamped-out and naked sitting on top of Spike, yelling at him and beating the everloving feces out of him. "You BASTARD! Do you have ANY idea how ANNOYING that is? How annoying YOU are? I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!"
Gunn pointed. "Hey look! Angel is OK again!"
"Yay!" Fred clapped her hands together with joy.
"And he's... beating up Spike."
"Yeah. Y'all think we should stop him?"
Wesley held her back. "Give him five minutes. I want to be sure he's not evil."
"Well... if he's beating up Spike, he’s got to be good, right?"
"That depends; if he stakes him, he's probably evil. Let's wait and see." Wesley looked around and saw Knox crouching in the doorway, sobbing helplessly at the loss of his God. "How come Knox is crying?"
Fred shrugged. "Oh, who cares."
Angel finally knocked Spike out cold, looked up and saw the others. "Oh. Hey guys." Suddenly realizing he was naked, he reached for the closest object and held it strategically in front of him. "What's... up?"
At which point everyone except Angel (and, obviously, Knox and Spike) finally burst into laughter. Part of it was relief, but also... well, darnit, there's just something inherently comical about a naked, slightly overweight vampire holding a fuzzy pink pig in front of his naughty bits.
Back up top.
Epilogue: Alley Cats
The rain was pouring down on the alley behind the Hyperion as Spike and Angel helped the wounded Gunn sit down. Spike looked at him with concern as he both smelled and saw the blood pouring out of his wounds. "You're supposed to wear the red stuff on the inside, Charlie boy."
The former lawyer winced in pain, refusing to give up. "Any word on Wes and Fred?"
"We're here", Wes panted as he and Fred climbed over the tall fence at one end of the alley. "We probably should have brought a fence-cutter, though."
"Yeah", Fred grumbled. "Almost makes me wish I hadn't brought these rocket launchers, they're pretty heavy."
"Why couldn't you have come around the other way?"
"Well..." Fred cringed and pointed. A horde of demons just rounded the corner barely 100 yards away, led by a giant dragon who swooped down from the black clouds overhead. The entire gang was suddenly very grateful that their pants were already wet from the rain.
"OK", Gunn muttered as he grabbed his axe and staggered to his feet. "You take the 30,000 on the left..."
Suddenly there was a bright flash and Willow and Buffy appeared before them. And Buffy did not look happy as she headed straight for Angel. "THERE you are! How DARE you-"
"Uh, Buffy, could this wait? We're sort of in the middle of something..." Angel pointed to the rapidly advancing demon army.
Willow waved her hand. "Ause-pay ECR-Vay." The demon army froze in mid-movement, as did the drops of rain, and, well, everything except the gang. Everything suddenly looked very The Matrix as Willow smiled at Angel. "That should hold'em for a minute or two, Puppy."
"Don't call me that!" Angel awkwardly gestured at himself as to point out that there was nothing wolfy about him anymore.
Willow looked confused. "Sorry. Dunno why I said that, just felt natural..."
Buffy interrupted them. "Come on, Angel, fork him over."
"What?"
"You know what I'm talking about. Gimme."
"Uh... no", Angel fidgeted, his eyes darting about to avoid looking at Buffy. "I... I need him. I can't go into battle without - "
Buffy made a frustrated noise and flung Angel's billowy leather coat back, exposing Mr Gordo who sat snugly in one of the inside pockets. "Aw, there you are! Come to Buffy..." She grabbed the pig, hugged him and then looked back at Angel, furious. "He's all lumpy!"
"Well, there was a fight -"
"And WHAT is this stain?"
"Buffy, I realize we should have taken better care of Mr Gordo", Wes intervened. "But right now there's a more pressing matter at hand." He gestured at the demons, who were looking more and more frustrated by the second as they strained to break Willow's spell. "You don't suppose you could see your way to helping us out...?"
Buffy looked at him as if he had just asked her to climb the Mount Everest dressed in a neon green leotard while juggling geese. "You were going to put Mr Gordo in mortal danger, and then you ask me to help you? Uh-uh. Will! Get us out of here."
"Sorry, guys. Good luck?..." Willow shrugged sheepishly and teleported them both out of there.
The gang stood around, very puzzled, waiting for Willow's pause spell to wear off. Spike finally spoke up as the demons slowly started moving again and Fred shouldered her rocket launcher. "So... in terms of a plan?"
Angel automatically felt for the comforting pig in his pocket, and sighed when he remembered that it wasn't there anymore. "We fight."
"Bit more specific?"
"Well, personally, I kind of want to slay the dr-" Fred's first rocket wiped the dragon from the sky in a cloud of fire and little bits'o'dragon rained down all over the alley, making quite a few demons look a little more anxious. Angel rolled his eyes. "Oh, what the hell. Let's go to work." He raised his sword, pointed his nose at a star and howled long and wolflike before he charged.
THE END
Title: Gonna Make You Bark
Author: Beer Good (
beer_good_foamy)Rating: PG13
Word Count: ~6500
Fandom: Angel, s5
Characters: AtS gang; Angel/Nina, Angel/?, Spike/Buffy (hinted), Wes/Fred
Disclaimer: Joss owns all characters, Jack London owns the last line.
Summary: PuppetAngel has a problem. Well, duh. OK, let me rephrase that: he has more than one problem. Things go horribly, dreadfully, and adorably wrong after 'Smile Time' when it turns out that werewolf bites are, well, werewolf bites. Silliness level: high.
GONNA MAKE YOU BARK
Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 5 - Chapter 6 - Epilogue
Chapter 1: No, Nina! Bad Nina!
- What do puppets eat?
- Let's find out...
Gunn and Lorne were getting worried, and Spike was getting bloody annoyed. They had a team meeting booked with Angel 20 minutes ago, and it wasn't like him to be this late. Finally the elevator arrived from the private penthouse and their boss – or rather, the two-foot puppet into which he had been transformed – stepped out, walked with a weird bounce in his step over to his desk and climbed up onto the chair.
"Right. Sorry I'm late. Let's get this thing settled. The Grohben demons are planning something, and we..." He looked around the office, especially at the two empty chairs. "Where are Wes and Fred?"
"They’re... uh... busy. They had some sort of project to work on." Lorne was a bit embarrassed; when the new couple left the office in an awful hurry Wesley had been whistling, and he had gotten a pretty good visual of what they would be up to.
"Too busy to sit in on important meetings?"
Spike scoffed. "Please. You're one to talk, mate. Where you been all day, anyway? Everyone around the office has been askin' if it's true that the boss turned into a puppet, and since I forgot to take a picture –"
"If you must know, I've been having breakfast."
"Angel, it's 5PM." Gunn held up his Rolex. "Besides, you don't eat."
"Yeah, turns out puppets have... uh... a big appetite. Takes time."
"Well whatever you’ve been eating, it seems to have done you a world of good, Mister Fuzzypants!" Lorne beamed at him. "I mean look at that, your scars, I mean... stitches from where Nina bit you are already healing."
"Nina didn't – oh, you mean when she was a wolf. Yeah. Vampire healing. So, about the Grohben demons, I think we should -"
Everyone's attention turned towards the elevator as the doors opened again and Nina stepped out. "Hi guys." She walked over to Angel and playfully ruffled his hair. "Mornin', stud."
"Morning, Nina. I trust you slept well on the couch?" Angel desperately tried to wink at her to make her catch his drift; turned out puppets didn't have eyelids. She caught on all the same, though.
"Wha- oh, yeah, the... couch, right. Great couch. Will you be down to the cage to, uh, tuck me in later? Sun's going down in an hour or so."
"Soon as this meeting's over. Promise."
Nina smiled and kissed the top of his head. She whispered something in his ear - hey, look, puppets can blush - and sashayed out of the office, not noticing the way the others stared at her. When she'd gone, they stared at Angel instead.
"So..." Gunn started. "Breakfast, huh?"
Angel rolled his eyes – now that puppets can do. "OK, you got me. We did eat breakfast. We just... progressed from there."
"And you wouldn't say you're evil at all?"
"Oh come on, I'm a freakin' puppet! Do you really think I could be perfectly happy like that? Yes, I had sex, it’s no big deal, mind your own business and could we PLEASE discuss what we're gonna do about the Grohben demons already?"
The discussion turned out to be a rather loud and heated one, thanks in part to Angel's puppet-enhanced excitability. The fact that Spike would much rather speculate on exactly how puppets are equipped, and whether Nina agreed that it wasn’t a "big deal", didn't help either. Before anyone knew it, an hour had gone by. Gunn was just making a probably correct but very boring reference to some previous court case that could help them when Angel suddenly gasped and doubled over in pain. Everyone stopped talking and ran to his side.
"Angel, you OK, man?"
Angel grimaced in agony, but managed to smile. "Guess I'm finally changing back. Sorry, Spike, seems you'll have to deal with the real me agaiNAAAARGH!"
The others stared in disbelief at the puppet. He was changing, alright, but there was something very wrong. He wasn't growing larger or more flesh-and-bone-y, just... furrier. It was Lorne who first looked out the window at the setting sun and put two and two together. "Um... guys... it's a full moon tonight, right?"
"Yeah, third night. That's why Nina is downst-" Gunn suddenly understood. "Wait, I thought vampires were supposed to be immune to werewolf bites?"
"I guess puppets aren't."
They all stared as Angel turned into a little stuffed wolf. He looked up at them and bared his tiny teeth, then let out an adorable little howl and scampered out into the lobby, where he tried to savage Harmony. He failed miserably since his teeth and claws were made of felt. Gunn ran after him – "Angel! STAY!" – while Lorne sighed and sat down; this would be a PR nightmare. A vampire werewolf running an evil lawfirm, that he could probably sell, but... as a puppet, he was just too darn cute.
Spike, of course, was busy rolling around on the floor laughing his ass off. "He... he’s a wee little puppy man!"
Back up top.
Chapter 2: Fine Furried Friends
Wesley, Gunn and Lorne watched as Angel slept in Fred's lap, his little wolf legs twitching every now and then and excited little Yip! Yip!s escaping from between his little fangs as he dreamt of... whatever it is that wolves and dogs dream of.
"So..." The lawyer eventually started. "Sun's been up for three hours now. How come he ain't changing back?"
Wesley looked at Gunn and shrugged. "Hard to tell. As far as I have been able to find out, nothing like this has ever happened before. First he was turned into a vampire, then he got a soul which he proceeded to lose and regain at least twice that we know of, then he was turned into a puppet and finally now into a werewolf..."
"Plus, there's the hundred years in a hell dimension that he's never really said anything about."
"And also that time in Pylea when he turned into... whatever that was."
"Yeah, and the old guy who stole his body for-"
"Yes, quite." Wesley glared at Gunn and Lorne, not happy to be interrupted when he was in exposition mode. "Point is, he's been turned into something different from his natural state so many times, my educated guess is that whatever rules these things has simply gotten... confused. He was supposed to change back from a puppet, and he was supposed to change back from a wolf, and apparently they've cancelled each other out."
"So, what? You're saying he's stuck like this?"
"Possibly. There is no way of knowing. I've been going through the records and there is simply no precedent for anything like this. There was one vampire who was turned into a woman once, but other than that..." The former Watcher was all out of ideas. He then went bright red with jealousy as Angel rubbed up against Fred's boobs in his sleep.
Lorne was still mulling it over. "So, isn't there someone else we could ask?"
"Um..." Wes focused. "Well, if Wolfram & Hart's records cannot tell us anything, I really don't know who could. Possibly the Watcher's Council, but..."
"...they trust us about as far as they could throw us", Gunn nodded. "Still, can't hurt to ask. Even if Buffy's angry with Angel, I don't think she wants him to go permanently Lon Chaney Jr junior. I'll have Harmony call Giles and try and set up a meeting."
Ten minutes later, Harmony ran into the office, looking very excited. "Great news, guys! I just got off the phone with that librarian guy. He said he'd send his top expert for stuff like this immediately and he should be here tomorrow morning."
***
And so, next morning, Wesley and Gunn stood in front of the elevator looking like like two kids at Christmas waiting for the Watcher's Council expert to arrive . The night had been... well, not exactly rough, but weird. Angel was still a stuffed wolf, and had tried again to savage anyone in sight. And hough that was fun for a while (not to mention how adorable everyone thought it was) it got distracting since his fur was so, well, ticklish. So eventually they’d simply leashed him to the desk, and he’d spent the night under it brooding until he fell asleep.
Gunn looked at his watch. "So, Wes, you've hung with these people more than any of us. Who's this top expert? And please tell me it's not that Andrew guy again."
"Well, my guess would be a certain young man named Oz. He has first-hand experience of both vampires and werewolves, and while he and I never saw quite eye to eye – literally and figuratively, he is not very tall – he apparently got on quite well with Angel. It would make sense for them to send him."
Just then the elevator door opened and in walked...
...a UPS employee carrying a cardboard box. "Package for Wesley Wyndam-Pryce?"
The Englishman frowned and signed for it, and then he and Gunn stood there staring at the box in puzzlement.
"That Oz?" Gunn looked unconvinced. "You said the dude was small, but..."
"Open it." Wesley unfolded the accompanying letter and began reading.
"Dear Wesley,
while it is true that it is not common Council procedure to come to the aid of Wolfram & Hart, we realize that this is a special case..."
Gunn got out a box cutter and opened the package.
"...and therefore have decided to honour your request for help and send you our foremost expert on stuffed animals. We hope that you will find his services satisfactory."
Gunn reached inside the box, tossed out some styrofoam packing pellets and pulled out – “Huh?" – Buffy's stuffed pig.
"We would be grateful if you could return Mister Gordo to us as soon as you are done with him. We really cannot spare him for long. I assume I do not need to remind you how dear he is to Buffy, and how disappointed she would be if anything were to happen to him.
Regards,
Rupert Giles
P.S. In the event that Andrew wasn't clear on this: We really do not trust you, you work for Wolfram & Hart, and we are not on the same side. May I suggest you get Angel a little collar? I understand leather is quite durable."
Gunn looked with confusion at the cuddly little pig in his hands. Wesley calmly folded the letter up, calmly put it back inside the box, and then calmly pulled out his gun and emptied the clip into the box sending styrofoam pellets flying everywhere. "Right. So we’re back to square one, then."
Back up top.
Chapter 3: Meet the new boss
Marcus Hamilton carefully checked his reflection in the shiny elevator door before it opened on the top floor of Wolfram & Hart’s Los Angeles office. It was his first day as liaison to the Senior Partners, and he was determined to make an impression right away. Angel was to be an incredibly important player in the upcoming apocalypse, and if the Senior Partners were happy with Hamilton’s performance he could be looking at a very cushy position after the smoke cleared. Perhaps even full partnership.
Stepping out of the elevator, he was annoyed as a good-looking blonde woman bumped into him. She was obviously very upset for some reason, crying and not watching where she was going, but he still briefly considered ripping her head off. That would be one way to make an impression. It would also mean he’d have to go home and change into another Armani suit, however, so he let her go and walked up to Angel’s secretary’s desk.
"Sorry about that", the blonde vampire behind the desk smiled as she went into gossip mode. "That was Angel’s ex Nina, she’s –"
Hamilton stopped her with a decisive stare and the hint of a small, professional smile that just screamed superiority. "I don’t care. I’m here to see Angel, I’m his new liaison to the Senior Partners."
"Really? Cool! What happened to Eve?"
"Believe me, you don’t want to know."
"Oh, I do! I’m always eager to learn and as an up-and-coming working gal I –"
"We transferred her to our office in Kansas." He smiled as Harmony stared at him in horror. "I told you you didn’t want to know. Now, I think you had better take me to your leader, as the saying goes. The Senior Partners haven’t heard from or seen Angel for days, and they are getting very worried."
"Well... OK." Harmony sighed and looked very uncomfortable. "I suppose... step right this way." She led him over to the office and opened the door.
The scene that was revealed would have seemed very cute to anyone able to appreciate cuteness, which Hamilton unfortunately couldn’t. Fred was on the floor playing with Angel, using Mr Gordo as bait. Angel was in heaven, his little tail wagging as he pounced again and again on the stuffed pig, his harmless teeth barely ruffling its pink fur. Occasionally he allowed himself to be caught and have Fred scratch his belly. When Hamilton walked in, the playing stopped and Angel looked up with a questioning look on his acrylic face. "Rrrr?"
Fred got up from the floor looking embarrassed. "Hiya. Can I help you?"
"Yes, I’m looking for Angel. I was told he was here, but –"
"Oh, that’s him." Fred pointed at the wolf.
Hamilton looked at the wolf.
Then he looked at Fred.
Then he looked at the wolf.
Then he looked at Fred. "THIS... is Angel?"
"Well, there was a spell, and then he got bit by a werewolf, and –"
"Let me get this straight." Hamilton interrupted her, and as he quickly glanced out the window he could have sworn he saw his career opportunities grow wings and fly far far away. "You allowed the CEO of Wolfram & Hart’s Los Angeles division, the champion of mankind, the souled vampire who's supposed to be playing a pivotal role in the upcoming apocalypse to be turned into a stuffed toy?"
"I guess." Fred shifted awkwardly. "If it's any consolation, I think he still has a soul. Kinda hard to tell, obviously. But he broods a lot at night."
"And exactly who is in charge here while Angel is... indisposed?"
Fred's face took on a dreamy look. "That would be Wes... ley. Wesley Wyndam-Pryce."
"Then would you please fetch him?" Hamilton's tone didn't sound like a friendly suggestion, and Fred quickly excused herself. Hamilton sighed. He sincerely hoped the Senior Partners weren't watching as he knelt down beside the puppet champion vampire werewolf with a soul, taking great care to speak slowly. "So, Angel. We meet at last. My name is Marcus Hamilton and I will be your new liaison to the Senior Partners. It’s an honor to be working with you."
Angel, who had been busy trying to scratch the top of his head with his hind leg, now tilted his head and regarded the big man curiously. "Mrrf?"
Hamilton wondered if that was supposed to be "Marcus?". Maybe he could still establish some sort of communication with Angel? He was about to try when he felt Harmony still looking intently at him. He turned around and fixed her with an icy stare. "Any reason you’re still here?"
"Oh, nothing, it’s just... haven't I seen you somewhere before?"
"No."
"No, but seriously, aren't you that guy from that sci-fi show on -"
"No."
"You sure?" She obviously wasn't convinced. "Prove it. Say 'I'll be in my bunk'."
"Angel and I have important business to discuss. Get OUT." When Harmony still didn’t move, Hamilton simply grabbed her and tossed her out into the hallway.
At this point, Angel casually strolled over to Hamilton, lifted his leg and let out a long yellow stream, dousing the lawyer’s expensive suit in wolf-pee from the knee downwards. He then barked once, carefully picked up Mr Gordo between his jaws and strutted proudly into the elevator.
Hamilton stared as the elevator doors closed, and then grudgingly bent down and wrung the pee out of his trouser leg. "Gorramit." Muttering in Chinese, he left the building to go home and change.
Back up top.
Chapter 4: Piggyback Mountain
The last few days and nights had been very confusing for poor Mr Gordo. When his Girl and the Big One With Shiny Glass Eyes had put him into a box they had giggled a lot, and he had thought this was just a new game. But then Girl had kissed him and wished him good luck, they closed the lid and gave the box to someone called You Pee Ess and then everything had been very dark and thumpy bouncy for a long time. Then he had arrived at the Very Tall House in a place they called Ell Aye and barely had time to look around before Stubbly One made that noise with his stick to punish the box that Mr Gordo had come in. All in all, he had been one scared and confused little piggy.
But when they brought him in to see the one all the Big Ones called Ayn Gel but Mr Gordo had always thought of as Dark One, he had understood. He had a job to do. The last time he had seen Dark One had been in Girl's bedroom many many days ago, and back then he had been big, loud and with very pointy fur on his head. Now he was different; a Fuzzy One just like Mr Gordo himself, even if he could still move around. It was very strange, but Mr Gordo knew that Girl had sent him here so that Dark One could have someone else around who knew what it was like to be small and fuzzy and cute. And so he had been there for Dark One, letting him play or just cuddle or whatever he wanted. Even if Dark One played a bit rougher than Mr Gordo was used to, it was fine. Better than fine; Mr Gordo had always liked Dark One, and ever since he had left the House and gone on the Big Yellow Bus many many days ago he had not had a chance to talk to any other Fuzzy Ones. To be reunited with him and make a new fuzzy friend at the same time made Mr Gordo very happy.
And for two days, that was all it had been. And then...
Mr Gordo had known about the game that the Big Ones called "Secks" for a few years now. He had seen his Girl and the Big One called Rye Lee play it on her bed more times than he could count on his four hooves, and one time when Red Fur Girl and Shy Girl had played it they had almost let him join in. It had seemed like a fun game, even if they were always very sweaty afterwards and so tired they had to sleep in the same bed, which seemed very crowded to Mr Gordo. He had supposed it wasn't a game for little pigs. But tonight, after Dark One had defeated the Big Ugly One In A Suit, he had carried Mr Gordo to the couch, gently laid him down and... Oh, Oink. Oink. OIIINK! It was wonderful.
***
"Angel? Fred said you wanted to see me...?" Wes walked into the penthouse wondering why he bothered speaking to the stuffed wolf; so far they had no indication that he even understood what they said. But Fred had seemed very adament about it, something about a new liaison to the Senior Partners, so he assumed it had to be important and – "NO, Angel! Bad wolf!" He ran to the couch and pulled the wildly humping werewolf off Mr Gordo, only a little too late... ewww. Slimy. Angel was furious and tried to bite him, which Wesley supposed was a good sign; at least he wasn't perfectly happy. Carefully, Wesley picked Mr Gordo up and took him downstairs to see if Fred could figure out a good way to clean him.
Back up top.
Chapter 5: Feelin' Blue
A couple days after the Mr Gordo incident, Angel went missing. He had been broodier than usual, not wanting to play, fetch sticks or even mutilate people. The entire gang searched for him all over the office – this was especially tricky since there were always a lot of demons running around here that no one really seemed to know, and it wouldn't do to let everyone know about Angel. Around lunchtime Wesley, Gunn and Spike met up in Wesley's office to assess the situation.
"It's your bloody fault, you know." The vampire glared at Wesley. "If you hadn't taken away his toy, he wouldn't have scampered off."
Wesley bit back on his sarcastic retort and instead tried to scratch his stubble, forgetting that he had actually shaved this morning. He sighed with disappointment and nodded thoughtfully; Angel definitely hadn't been happy about having Mr Gordo taken away from him.
"See?", Spike turned to Gunn. "Even head boy agrees. I say just give him the damn pig back and be done with it."
"Surely you're joking." Wesley stared at him.
"Why would I be joking? And don't call me Shirley."
"Mr Gordo is the symbol of Buffy's childlike innocence. Which is a bit anachronistic, I admit, but can you imagine what she'd do if she found out that Angel had... had..."
Thankfully Wesley didn't have to say out loud what Angel and Mr Gordo had been up to, as they were interrupted. Fred's assistant Knox walked in, looking nervous and toady as always. "Hey guys. Look, you haven't seen Fred anywhere, have you?"
Everyone looked a bit uncomfortable; they all knew about Knox's crush on Fred. "Look, bro", Gunn started, "You had your shot with –"
"Oh, no, it's nothing like that, it's work-related", the science geek quickly covered. "It's... we got a delivery of some... stuff I'd really like her to look at. Like, in person. Like, really soon." He was bouncing on his heels, clearly very excited about something.
"Well, why don't you ask her yourself?" Gunn pointed to Fred who just walked in, carrying a struggling Angel. "There he is! Where did you find him?"
"He was playing on top of some big ol' sarcophagus we just got delivered." Fred looked worried. "At least I think he was playing, he was acting kinda weird, coughing and pawing at his nose like he'd smelt something bad."
No one noticed that Knox suddenly turned very pale. They were all focused on Angel, who did look a little weird. He was still coughing, yet at the same time looking even more arrogant than usual, and his normally black and gray acrylic fiber fur had taken on a tone which shifted in... well...
"Oi, since when are werewolves blue? Is he turning into something again?"
Spike's offhand comment had the others a little too concerned. Fred carefully put Angel down on the thick carpet. "Guys... I'm not sure I like this at all. He really does look kind of blue, and not in a nice mellow Miles Davis way either."
"Research?" Gunn asked.
"That would probably be in order, yes", Wesley mused. "Knox, you take a look at that sarcophagus, see if you can figure anything out. Gunn, go to the White Room and talk to the conduit. Fred, you, me and Lorne hit the books, and Spike... just keep an eye on Angel." They walked out of the office, leaving Spike to watch Angel sniffing around the carpet.
Spike got up, closed and locked the door and then kneeled down next to Angel. Shit. He really looked weird, and there was an icy gleam in his eye Spike hadn't seen in a long time. He wondered if this really could be the end for the old guy, if this final transformation, whatever it was, would finally do him in – or at least turn him into something so far removed from Angel or Angelus that they would never be able to get him back again. He reached out and playfully ruffled his tickly fur. Angel snapped at his fingers with his harmless teeth; whatever the change was, it didn't seem to hurt too much for him to play, or fight, or whatever that was supposed to be. Spike tried imagining an unlife without his old grandsire; funny, for all the times they'd fought, he'd never actually thought about what it would mean to go on without him.
"Look, Angel... OK, so I don't rightly know if you even understand what I'm saying, and I should probably have told you this a long time ago. But I s'pose now's a good a time as we will ever get, right? I mean, I'm sure your pals will yank the iron out of the fire, as it were, but just in case they don't there's some things I think I really ought to to tell you."
Spike took a deep breath and a shit-eating grin spread across his face.
"So this one time, right, me and Buffy were up on the balcony at the Bronze and she had this really short skirt on, and..."
Back up top.
Chapter 6: Of Wolf And Man...pire
Gunn walked into the W&H library where Wesley, Fred and Lorne were busy looking through hundreds of volumes. "Find anything yet?"
"Well", Wesley pointed at two dusty books in a corner, "those are the ones we’ve been able to rule out so far."
Gunn picked up one of the discarded books. "Manifestations of the demon Azarath, huh? And the rest..."
"Well, let’s just say we have a lot of options. Demon possession isn’t exactly rare, I’m afraid. Was your trip to the White Room helpful?"
"Hard to tell", Gunn frowned. "But the conduit did say something about old ones and forgotten scrolls."
"Of course!" Wesley’s eyes lit up as he picked up one of his can-recall-any-text-in-the-entire-universe-books and spoke to it softly enough to make Fred feel jealous. "Search the oldest texts for any references to the still remaining Old Ones, cross-referenced with demon possessions, sarcophagi, and The Complete Calvin And Hobbes." Wesley opened the book and lots of text in five different alphabets and the occasional cartoon tiger filled the pages. "Ah, yes. This looks a likely candidate. It's called Illyria, a great monarch and warrior of the demon age, murdered by rivals in an epic snowball battle and left adrift in the Deeper Well – a burial ground, a resting place of all the remaining Old Ones."
"This one ain't restin'", Gunn pointed out. "How did an ancient evil end up at Wolfram & Ha... OK, that bit makes sense. But why would it want to possess a stuffed wolf?"
"I have no idea", Wesley answered with dawning horror. "But if we don't stop it, this being could take him over completely. It will gradually burn him out of his own body until there's nothing left."
Fred grimaced. "Eww. That’s gotta... suck."
"Indeed. So the question is, how do we..."
Just then the wooden door to the library was shattered in spectacular fashion as somebody was thrown right through it, crashing into and being buried under the huge pile of books. Before they had time to look who it was, Marcus Hamilton stepped through the door straightening his tie.
"Christ, man, don’t you ever KNOCK like normal people?" Gunn got ready to fight.
Hamilton smiled. "I apologize. Force of habit. Actually, I’m here to help."
"Sure you are, pound cake." Lorne turned to the others. "Um, I’m thinking maybe we should am-scray? Because, this guy? Trouble, as in BIG."
Hamilton looked annoyed. "But..."
"Lorne's right, Hamilton." Wesley stood up, casually letting Hamilton see that he was armed with his usual handgun. "As liaison to the senior partners, you're about the last person we would be likely to trust right now."
Hamilton looked frustrated. "But..."
"You heard the man." Gunn crossed his arms. "Beat it."
Hamilton lost his patience. "Gorramit, Mal, this ain’t the war! Those mao-tse-tung reavers are gonna..." He noticed everyone staring at him, cleared his throat and got in character again. "What I mean to say is, we have common interests here. The senior partner's don't want to see Angel killed any more than you do... yet... and I am trying to give you a hand."
Wesley regarded him suspiciously. "And what kind of hand would that be?"
"Coming from him, it's probably an evil hand", Fred muttered.
"That was three years ago", Lindsey McDonald slurred as he managed to crawl out from under the pile of books. "I know us Southerners can be slow sometimes, darlin', but get with the program."
Wesley quickly drew his gun and pointed it at Lindsey. "What are you doing here?"
"Beats the hell out of me", Lindsey grumbled as he scowled at Hamilton. "I was in my hell dimension, minding my own business, when this asshole shows up and drags me back to LA to save ANGEL of all people. Needless to say, I'm not here of my own free will."
"Oh, behave yourself." Hamilton picked Lindsey up by the neck and tossed him across the room, then turned to the others. "As I'm sure you already know, Lindsey here happens to be one of the foremost experts on demons in the world. I thought maybe he knows something useful."
Wesley turned to Lindsey. "Of course. You've studied everything going on here for years, not to mention Angel. I suggest", he cocked his gun, "that you tell us how we can fight this. Now."
"'We'?" Lindsey chuckled, wiping some blood from the corner of his mouth. "You can't do anything. It's up to Angel."
"You mean he can fight this thing?"
"Well, duh. He’s a champion, right? He can fight anything if he has a reason to. Question is if he can find the right thing to fight it with. He can kick that demon all the way back to the Deeper Well, but he's going to need something really powerful to draw strength from. The strongest human emotion there is."
"Love?" Fred asked.
Lindsey winked at her. "Yeah, right. What’d ya think, this is some kind of fairytale? Give him a cuddle, give him a kiss, scratch him behind his fuzzy li'l ears and he’ll be fine? Love is nice, people, but in the end it never does anything but complicate things. I mean, do any of you think I came back here just to jump in the sack with Eve? There is always something stronger than love, especially when it comes to demons: Hate. That's what he's going to need. And knowing Angel and his big hangup on good and evil – not to mention what happened the last time he went dark – somehow I don’t see him letting that take over again." Then he laughed the Triumphant Evil Laugh Of I've Finally Got To See My Arch Nemesis Get What He Deserves.
***
Meanwhile, in Wesley's office, Spike was still regaling an ever more agitated Angel with his tales of Spuffyness. "And then there was the time when we were in my crypt, and ooooh, you know that thing Buffy does with her... no wait, sorry, you don't know that, right? Awww, too bad. You really missed out, mate, really. Did you ever even get to see her naked? I mean properly, in good lighting and everything? Man. All that working out she does, you wouldn't believe what she can..."
By now the little stuffed demon god/werewolf was so furious he was starting to turn red. Which, considering he was also in the process of turning blue, gave him a very interesting shade of purple. He kept snapping at Spike's heels, occasionally casting a furious glance around the office.
"Oh", Spike grinned. "I know what you want. Back in half a mo." He got up and started looking around the office, breaking open four or five cabinets before he found what he was looking for and returned to Angel. "THIS is what you want, right? I knew all that pig's blood wasn't good for you." He held up Mr Gordo.
Angel made to grab the pig, but Spike moved it out of his reach just as he was about to get a hold of it. "Oh, sorry. Here, take it." Angel tried again, and Spike quickly tossed the pig from his right hand to his left so Angel couldn't get it. "Man, you really want this, don't you?" Angel glared at him and made another jump, his little teeth snapping shut just an inch below Mr Gordo. "Alright then, sorry for messing with ya. Here, take it. Oooooops!" Again, Spike snatched Mr Gordo away just as Angel made a move for him. "Hehehe. I could go on all night. But alright, take it. HA!" And again. "Awww, poor little puppy. Does puppy want his wittle toy? Alright then, here ya go, boy. HA! Too slow! OK, for real this time. I'm really going to let you have the pig... next time!"
And that was it. As Spike yanked Mr Gordo away from Angel once again, he could have sworn there was actual steam coming out of Angel's ears. Then the little bluish wolf howled with fury and lunged at his throat hard enough to knock him over onto his back... and then it began to change.
First the blue colour faded from his fur.
Then the synthetic hair started looking more life-like.
Then the hair started retreating from most of his body, except the top of his head where it became a lot pointier.
Then he started growing.
Then his skin started turning more... uh, skin-like.
Until finally, just as the others walked in, it was the Angel of old, flesh and bones, vamped-out and naked sitting on top of Spike, yelling at him and beating the everloving feces out of him. "You BASTARD! Do you have ANY idea how ANNOYING that is? How annoying YOU are? I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!"
Gunn pointed. "Hey look! Angel is OK again!"
"Yay!" Fred clapped her hands together with joy.
"And he's... beating up Spike."
"Yeah. Y'all think we should stop him?"
Wesley held her back. "Give him five minutes. I want to be sure he's not evil."
"Well... if he's beating up Spike, he’s got to be good, right?"
"That depends; if he stakes him, he's probably evil. Let's wait and see." Wesley looked around and saw Knox crouching in the doorway, sobbing helplessly at the loss of his God. "How come Knox is crying?"
Fred shrugged. "Oh, who cares."
Angel finally knocked Spike out cold, looked up and saw the others. "Oh. Hey guys." Suddenly realizing he was naked, he reached for the closest object and held it strategically in front of him. "What's... up?"
At which point everyone except Angel (and, obviously, Knox and Spike) finally burst into laughter. Part of it was relief, but also... well, darnit, there's just something inherently comical about a naked, slightly overweight vampire holding a fuzzy pink pig in front of his naughty bits.
Back up top.
Epilogue: Alley Cats
The rain was pouring down on the alley behind the Hyperion as Spike and Angel helped the wounded Gunn sit down. Spike looked at him with concern as he both smelled and saw the blood pouring out of his wounds. "You're supposed to wear the red stuff on the inside, Charlie boy."
The former lawyer winced in pain, refusing to give up. "Any word on Wes and Fred?"
"We're here", Wes panted as he and Fred climbed over the tall fence at one end of the alley. "We probably should have brought a fence-cutter, though."
"Yeah", Fred grumbled. "Almost makes me wish I hadn't brought these rocket launchers, they're pretty heavy."
"Why couldn't you have come around the other way?"
"Well..." Fred cringed and pointed. A horde of demons just rounded the corner barely 100 yards away, led by a giant dragon who swooped down from the black clouds overhead. The entire gang was suddenly very grateful that their pants were already wet from the rain.
"OK", Gunn muttered as he grabbed his axe and staggered to his feet. "You take the 30,000 on the left..."
Suddenly there was a bright flash and Willow and Buffy appeared before them. And Buffy did not look happy as she headed straight for Angel. "THERE you are! How DARE you-"
"Uh, Buffy, could this wait? We're sort of in the middle of something..." Angel pointed to the rapidly advancing demon army.
Willow waved her hand. "Ause-pay ECR-Vay." The demon army froze in mid-movement, as did the drops of rain, and, well, everything except the gang. Everything suddenly looked very The Matrix as Willow smiled at Angel. "That should hold'em for a minute or two, Puppy."
"Don't call me that!" Angel awkwardly gestured at himself as to point out that there was nothing wolfy about him anymore.
Willow looked confused. "Sorry. Dunno why I said that, just felt natural..."
Buffy interrupted them. "Come on, Angel, fork him over."
"What?"
"You know what I'm talking about. Gimme."
"Uh... no", Angel fidgeted, his eyes darting about to avoid looking at Buffy. "I... I need him. I can't go into battle without - "
Buffy made a frustrated noise and flung Angel's billowy leather coat back, exposing Mr Gordo who sat snugly in one of the inside pockets. "Aw, there you are! Come to Buffy..." She grabbed the pig, hugged him and then looked back at Angel, furious. "He's all lumpy!"
"Well, there was a fight -"
"And WHAT is this stain?"
"Buffy, I realize we should have taken better care of Mr Gordo", Wes intervened. "But right now there's a more pressing matter at hand." He gestured at the demons, who were looking more and more frustrated by the second as they strained to break Willow's spell. "You don't suppose you could see your way to helping us out...?"
Buffy looked at him as if he had just asked her to climb the Mount Everest dressed in a neon green leotard while juggling geese. "You were going to put Mr Gordo in mortal danger, and then you ask me to help you? Uh-uh. Will! Get us out of here."
"Sorry, guys. Good luck?..." Willow shrugged sheepishly and teleported them both out of there.
The gang stood around, very puzzled, waiting for Willow's pause spell to wear off. Spike finally spoke up as the demons slowly started moving again and Fred shouldered her rocket launcher. "So... in terms of a plan?"
Angel automatically felt for the comforting pig in his pocket, and sighed when he remembered that it wasn't there anymore. "We fight."
"Bit more specific?"
"Well, personally, I kind of want to slay the dr-" Fred's first rocket wiped the dragon from the sky in a cloud of fire and little bits'o'dragon rained down all over the alley, making quite a few demons look a little more anxious. Angel rolled his eyes. "Oh, what the hell. Let's go to work." He raised his sword, pointed his nose at a star and howled long and wolflike before he charged.
THE END
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