Ficlet: All In A Day's Work (BtVS/YBTPR)

[beer_good_foamy]

Here’s a crossover I’ve thought about for a while. This is post-series Buffy crossed with the Flaming Lips song "Yoshimi Battles The Pink Robots, Part 1" (lyrics). You don't need to be familiar with the song to read it, but it’s a pop song so you can binge the entirety of this canon in 3 ½ minutes.

Title: All In A Day's Work
Author: Beer Good (beer_good_foamy)
Fandom: Buffy/Yoshimi Battles The Pink Robots
Rating: PG13
Word count: ~850
Warnings/Notes: Poking fun at national stereotypes.
Characters/Pairing: Buffy, Xander, Yoshimi
Summary: To be fair, Buffy wasn't entirely sure how she was supposed to stop a giant robot about to attack Tokyo. But still, being told someone else would handle it felt a bit weird.

"What, you don't use machine guns in your movies?"
- Charles Bronson to Ingmar Bergman

All In A Day’s Work

"...O...K." Buffy had been in Tokyo less than an hour, she was jetlagged as hell, and she really just wanted to finish the planning session and get some sleep before handling tomorrow's apocalypse. "Once more, from the top?"

The Japanese woman who'd shown up at their hotel room bowed again. "I am Watanabe Yoshimi of the Tokyo Bureau of Environment, also representing the All-Japan Prefectural and Municipal Workers Union, League of - "

"Sorry, I don't mean to be rude, but can you just skip to why you're here, because we're supposed to be kinda incognito."

"I am here," the woman continued, handing her a business card saying TOKYO METROPOLIS PUBLIC WORKS, "to welcome you, most glorious Slayer of vampires, to Tokyo on behalf of the governor of Tokyo and of our union president, and offer to pay for your stay here as a small token of our respect and our solemn regrets that your journey to our humble city was in vain."

"Yeah, that's what I thought you said. I don't know what your bosses have told you, and I can't believe I'm saying this, but apparently a giant robot... thing is about to attack your city, and we’re here to stop it."

Yoshimi bowed again, somewhat more stiffly. "We know. However, the office of the governor of Tokyo has honoured me and my co-workers with that task. And while we are most grateful for your offer to help, I'm afraid we cannot guarantee the safety of non-union workers on this task."

"What are you - "

"Uh, Buff," Xander spoke up. "Speaking as a construction worker... I think she's saying this is a union job and being freelance, you’re about as welcome as someone showing up on Tony Soprano’s street with your own garbage truck."

"I'm afraid your esteemed colleague is right," Yoshimi said. "If the had a formal trade agreement with the American Slayers' Union, should such a thing exist, we would of course be happy to co-operate. Until then, however, I can..."

"You're kidding me, right?" Buffy interrupted her, turning to Xander. "These people really want to send public employees to fight monsters? I'm sorry, Yoshimi, but I really don't think the bureaucrats who sent you here realize what you're up against. Believe me, after seven years of dealing with the Watcher’s Council, I know the type. But don't worry, we'll take care of this for you. Ordinary humans can't handle this sort of thing."

Yoshimi was suddenly very much not bowing. "We cannot handle? EXCUSE me? We have 'handled this' since 1954! So you had a hellmouth; we have the entire Pacific Ocean, and for some reason, everything that crawls out of it or falls into it has one single goal. Do you know what that is?"

"Uh…" Xander sheepishly raised his hand. "To stomp Tokyo?"

"TO STOMP TOKYO. And I don't know if you noticed on your way from the airport, but we are still here. So we beg your humble forgiveness if we stick to the rules more than you do. I'm sure your experience in fighting 80-foot mecha is second to none. But my squad and I have trained for this our whole life, and we are very good at it."

Buffy blinked and tried to recompose herself. "...What happened to Japanese politeness?"

"I’m sorry, I must have lost it in the last robot I blew up," Yoshimi said, calming down a bit from her outburst.

"Can I just go back to... What was the name of your union, again?" Xander asked.

"The All-Japan Prefectural and Municipal Workers Union, League of Tokyo Metropolis Anti-Mecha and Kaiju Employees, Mecha Division."

Buffy suddenly realised what that meant. "You actually get paid to kill monsters? Like, on a salary basis?"

"Of course. Just because something is an important calling doesn't make it less worthy of compensation. But as I was saying before I was so," Yoshimi cleared her throat, "humbly interrupted, there are of course loopholes. And as a site boss, I’d consider it a great privilege to have the esteemed Buffy Summers come along as an observer and consultant, as I am certain you have much wisdom to share with us. Officially you’d be there as a non-combatant, but if you were to act in self-defense, I’m sure no one would blame you in the slightest."

"I guess..." Buffy tried to copy Yoshimi's bow. "I'd be honoured. Is there, like, a dress code...?"

Yoshimi raised an eyebrow. "Let me guess; you're picturing a squad of girls in school uniforms?"

"Um… Of course not," Buffy lied. "I mean, that would be a stereotype, right?"

Yoshimi grinned. "Exactly."

* * *

As it turned out, Buffy’s concerns were unnecessary. Yoshimi and her crew did indeed wear specially adapted school uniforms - specifically, school uniforms doubling as exoskeletons with attachments for various chainsaws, gatling guns, grenades and drill bits. It never hurts to have your enemies underestimate you. However, Buffy’s standard battle dress (a flowerprint dress and open-toe sandals) was considered just as useful in this regard, and the worst injury done to anyone who wasn’t a robot was the hangover from the post-battle debriefing over copious amounts of sake, and a slight twinge of carpal tunnel syndrome from signing autographs for all of Yoshimi’s crew.

Comments

[shapinglight]

I know nothing about this pink robots thing, but that was hilarious.

I'm glad there are still people in the world who know the meaning of demarcation.

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Thanks a lot!

And quite. It's one of the things I like about crossovers, however silly; at some point, you get a conflict between the two protagonists who are used to doing things their way.

[gillo]

Anya would have been so impressed by this union! Loved it.

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Thank you! Well, if you do a job, you should get paid. :)

[rbfvid.livejournal.com]

You just made my evening, it's priceless!

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

:) Thanks!

[rebcake.livejournal.com]

Best tactic in common: It never hurts to have your enemies underestimate you.

Beautiful, my dear! Look for the union label!

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Best tactic in common: It never hurts to have your enemies underestimate you.

If anyone gets that, it's Buffy. Thanks!

[a2zmom.livejournal.com]

This was hysterical.

And Yoshimi is absolutely right - who do you think's been keeping the world safe from Godzilla and Mothra (my personal favorite) all these years?

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

And exactly. Personally I'd try to take on a few mangy vampires over fire-breathing giant flying turtles any day.

[thenniel.livejournal.com]

Excellent!

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[ffutures.livejournal.com]

Don't know the song at all but love the story! I wish my union had been that proactive...

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Thank you! We should all be so lucky...