Ficlet: The Plan

[beer_good_foamy]

I know, I keep trying to quit Season 8, but damnit, this last issue was so utterly crackalicious that I couldn't help myself.

Title: The Plan
Author: Beer Good (beer_good_foamy)
Fandom: Season 8
Rating: PG13
Word count: ~650
Warning: Apocalypse
Summary: A missing scene from #34, explaining what's really going on behind the scenes. Or above them. Or... well, everywhere, really. Come with me now, gentle readers, to a secret meeting of... The Universe.

"The universe... the universe is answering. (It's) smart enough to have a far bigger plan for them."
- Rupert Giles, Season 8 #34

The Plan

"Right," the Universe asked itselves (for it are legion and can therefore speak to themself). "So how's our plan for mankind coming?"

"Splendid," it answered. "Buffy and Angel have ascended to Twilight."

A quasar over in the Andromeda galaxy that hadn't been paying attention looked up."Tw-what?"

"Sorry, that got conveniently covered along with Buffy's nipples. Comics code."

"No, we mean... what's Twilight?"

"If we'd paid attention we wouldn't have to ask stupid questions. Just accept it: there's many of us, and we have a plan."

"Yeah, because that always works out so well. Humour us."

"Fine. It's our plan for mankind that we've been planning since forever for three years now. Buffy and Angel fell in love - "

"Who and who fell where now?"

"Buffy and Angel. They're a vampire and a vampire Slayer on a planet called Earth. They fell in love, and as a reward we're going to give them a whole bunch of spiffy powers, kill everyone, and reboot the whole planet."

The Universe looked down on Buffy and Angel, dancing around among the flowers and unicorns wearing togas and singing "We are as gods! We are gods! We are as gooooods!"

"That's a catchy tune they're singing."

"We thought so. Definitely a worthy, dramatic payoff to all the millions of years of planning that we, the Universe, have put into this for the last couple of years."

"So they're the new and improved humanity? Kind of like in Childhood's End?"

"Um... does Arthur C Clarke have lawyers?"

The Universe gazed at the old Earth, being consumed by earthquakes and stuff. "If he did, they're probably dead now."

"Then yes. Exactly like that. Except much more efficient. We copied some earthquakes and stuff from 2012, skipped that whole bit about an entire generation gradually overtaking the old species and just called down an apocalypse. And look how happy they are with their reward in their new habitat. Do we think we should get them a little wheel?"

"Isn't a reward usually something the rewardee wants?"

"It's not about what they want. It's about what they need."

"But... we am the Universe. Like, the entire f#©%in' Universe. We'm big. Really, really, big. Plus, seeing as we am mostly made up of empty space where life is very rare, we should count myselves damn lucky to even be sentient. Why do we care about who falls in love with whom on a mostly harmless little planet in galactic sector 7G?"

"Because of balance."

"Balance? What about balance?"

"Just... well... we know. Balance."

"What does that even -"

"Balance."

"We keep using that word. We do not think it means what we think it means."

"Stop it with the pop culture references, or we will never hear surf music again! We've been planning this since forever since season 1 since 2007. It's done, it's settled. Humanity dies, Buffy and Angel will be Adam and Eve for the new mankind, and their children will populate the new Earth."

"Kind of like in Norse mythology?"

"Does Snorri Sturluson have... ah, screw it. Yes. Are we done?"

"We just have one more question."

"Alright then."

"It's a two-word question."

"OK."

"Shouldn't be difficult for us to answer. We am sure we have thought this through already."

"Shoot."

"Here it is: Their children?"

"Yes...? What about their children?"

"Isn't Angel a vampire?"

And the Universe was silent for a few galactic seconds. "Yes, but... um..."

"We mean, cold dead seed and all that?"

"What about C*****?"

"Sorry, can't even mention him. Property of IDW. So how am we supposed to start a new race with an Adam who shoots blanks?"

"Well, see... That's the..." The Universe racked the vast amounts of nothing that it used for brains for a reply. "No, because if they... And then... with the sparkling..."

And again, there was silence. For almost a whole galactic minute, there was silence. Then the entire universe resounded with the mightiest sound ever heard, and it was probably a good thing that there was barely anyone left on Earth to hear it.

"D'OH!"

Comments

[brutti-ma-buoni.livejournal.com]

"We thought so. Definitely a worthy, dramatic payoff to all the millions of years of planning that we, the Universe, have put into this for the last couple of years."

I realise this is a trifle sudden, but I think I love you. In a purely fannish way, you understand.

[flake-sake.livejournal.com]

ok, I'm laughing tears now, they are running down face, for real.

You're so made of win, man! You're ok with bein recced yes?

[elisi]

If I wasn't already married, I'd be proposing right about now...

[flake-sake.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that was my reaction too. One of these days he's going to wake up to an army of fangirls camping in front of his door with rings in their backpacks.

[(Anonymous)]

OMG! This. Is. Made.Of.Win. I am LMAO, tears are streaming down my face. Oh God. So good.

I love the mockery soooo much, it's almost made all this crack!fic worth it. :)

~Ami

[angearia.livejournal.com]

there's many of us, and we have a plan.

After watching so much BSG, their intro flashed in my head upon reading this. :D

Do we think we should get them a little wheel?

*SNERK*

Sorry, can't even mention him. Property of IDW. So how am we supposed to start a new race with an Adam who shoots blanks?

*DIES*

*RESURRECTS SELF*

I ♥ you.

[slaymesoftly.livejournal.com]

*showers you with cookies in several flavors*

[angearia.livejournal.com]

I know, I keep trying to quit Season 8, but damnit, this last issue was so utterly crackalicious that I couldn't help myself.

Can I also say how happy I am that you're all "I can't quit you!" about Season 8 snark!fic? Because I'm very happy.

[fangfaceandrea.livejournal.com]

hahahahahahahaha!! awesome, just perfect to celebrate Bangel!Boikning Day.

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

I have that effect on people. *struts* Thanks!

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Then mine and Joss' job is done. :-) Thanks! And it's a public post, so it's always appreciated.

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

But your husband is an ood! I couldn't possibly compete! :-)

Thanks!

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Cute creatures making long treks carrying rings for me... Hmmm, now you're making me feel like Sauron. I can live with that. *blushes a bit*

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Thanks a lot!

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

See, now you have the power to resurrect yourself too. You're clearly on your way to full-on godhood. If you see any tweedy Brits around, promise me you'll give them a wide berth, hmmm?

♥

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

I kept thinking that the story had gotten so insane there was no way I could top it. Then Giles did the whole exposition in the latest issue, completely straightfaced as if it made even a shred of sense, and my muse just went "YES! Gimme!"

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

*munches, shares with everyone*

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

It only comes once a decade, it has to be observed. Thanks!

[brunettepet.livejournal.com]

That was cracktastic! I was laughing at the Universe saying Balance over and over, sure the Universe would get it some time...

[darkpoole.livejournal.com]

BWAAAHAAAHAHAHAHA!!!!

You had me at

for it are legion and can therefore speak to themself

And it just went uphill from there.

[elisi]

*dies laughing*

I can't believe you remember that! :D

[jnb71976.livejournal.com]

First, this: Do we think we should get them a little wheel?"

Then this: "We keep using that word. We do not think it means what we think it means."

This had my face cracking with the big smile and snerk. You're lovely. All your snark maketh glad. :D

[moscow-watcher.livejournal.com]

Definitely a worthy, dramatic payoff to all the millions of years of planning that we, the Universe, have put into this for the last couple of years

I can't stop giggling! First, I read the issue. Then I read your missing scene. The latter is much more coherent...

[prophecygirrl.livejournal.com]

"And look how happy they are with their reward in their new habitat. Do we think we should get them a little wheel?"

"Isn't a reward usually something the rewardee wants?"

"It's not about what they want. It's about what they need."

There are quite simply no words for the wonder that is this snark. And I love you wrote it in omnipotent person plural.

Thanks for a great read!

[gillo]

That really should be the last word on the whole sordid topic. (Except for kaaa'rk of course.)

Brilliant!