Ficlet: The Plan

[beer_good_foamy]

I know, I keep trying to quit Season 8, but damnit, this last issue was so utterly crackalicious that I couldn't help myself.

Title: The Plan
Author: Beer Good (beer_good_foamy)
Fandom: Season 8
Rating: PG13
Word count: ~650
Warning: Apocalypse
Summary: A missing scene from #34, explaining what's really going on behind the scenes. Or above them. Or... well, everywhere, really. Come with me now, gentle readers, to a secret meeting of... The Universe.

"The universe... the universe is answering. (It's) smart enough to have a far bigger plan for them."
- Rupert Giles, Season 8 #34

The Plan

"Right," the Universe asked itselves (for it are legion and can therefore speak to themself). "So how's our plan for mankind coming?"

"Splendid," it answered. "Buffy and Angel have ascended to Twilight."

A quasar over in the Andromeda galaxy that hadn't been paying attention looked up."Tw-what?"

"Sorry, that got conveniently covered along with Buffy's nipples. Comics code."

"No, we mean... what's Twilight?"

"If we'd paid attention we wouldn't have to ask stupid questions. Just accept it: there's many of us, and we have a plan."

"Yeah, because that always works out so well. Humour us."

"Fine. It's our plan for mankind that we've been planning since forever for three years now. Buffy and Angel fell in love - "

"Who and who fell where now?"

"Buffy and Angel. They're a vampire and a vampire Slayer on a planet called Earth. They fell in love, and as a reward we're going to give them a whole bunch of spiffy powers, kill everyone, and reboot the whole planet."

The Universe looked down on Buffy and Angel, dancing around among the flowers and unicorns wearing togas and singing "We are as gods! We are gods! We are as gooooods!"

"That's a catchy tune they're singing."

"We thought so. Definitely a worthy, dramatic payoff to all the millions of years of planning that we, the Universe, have put into this for the last couple of years."

"So they're the new and improved humanity? Kind of like in Childhood's End?"

"Um... does Arthur C Clarke have lawyers?"

The Universe gazed at the old Earth, being consumed by earthquakes and stuff. "If he did, they're probably dead now."

"Then yes. Exactly like that. Except much more efficient. We copied some earthquakes and stuff from 2012, skipped that whole bit about an entire generation gradually overtaking the old species and just called down an apocalypse. And look how happy they are with their reward in their new habitat. Do we think we should get them a little wheel?"

"Isn't a reward usually something the rewardee wants?"

"It's not about what they want. It's about what they need."

"But... we am the Universe. Like, the entire f#©%in' Universe. We'm big. Really, really, big. Plus, seeing as we am mostly made up of empty space where life is very rare, we should count myselves damn lucky to even be sentient. Why do we care about who falls in love with whom on a mostly harmless little planet in galactic sector 7G?"

"Because of balance."

"Balance? What about balance?"

"Just... well... we know. Balance."

"What does that even -"

"Balance."

"We keep using that word. We do not think it means what we think it means."

"Stop it with the pop culture references, or we will never hear surf music again! We've been planning this since forever since season 1 since 2007. It's done, it's settled. Humanity dies, Buffy and Angel will be Adam and Eve for the new mankind, and their children will populate the new Earth."

"Kind of like in Norse mythology?"

"Does Snorri Sturluson have... ah, screw it. Yes. Are we done?"

"We just have one more question."

"Alright then."

"It's a two-word question."

"OK."

"Shouldn't be difficult for us to answer. We am sure we have thought this through already."

"Shoot."

"Here it is: Their children?"

"Yes...? What about their children?"

"Isn't Angel a vampire?"

And the Universe was silent for a few galactic seconds. "Yes, but... um..."

"We mean, cold dead seed and all that?"

"What about C*****?"

"Sorry, can't even mention him. Property of IDW. So how am we supposed to start a new race with an Adam who shoots blanks?"

"Well, see... That's the..." The Universe racked the vast amounts of nothing that it used for brains for a reply. "No, because if they... And then... with the sparkling..."

And again, there was silence. For almost a whole galactic minute, there was silence. Then the entire universe resounded with the mightiest sound ever heard, and it was probably a good thing that there was barely anyone left on Earth to hear it.

"D'OH!"

Comments

[brutti-ma-buoni.livejournal.com]

"We thought so. Definitely a worthy, dramatic payoff to all the millions of years of planning that we, the Universe, have put into this for the last couple of years."

I realise this is a trifle sudden, but I think I love you. In a purely fannish way, you understand.

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

I have that effect on people. *struts* Thanks!

[flake-sake.livejournal.com]

ok, I'm laughing tears now, they are running down face, for real.

You're so made of win, man! You're ok with bein recced yes?

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Then mine and Joss' job is done. :-) Thanks! And it's a public post, so it's always appreciated.

[elisi]

If I wasn't already married, I'd be proposing right about now...

[flake-sake.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that was my reaction too. One of these days he's going to wake up to an army of fangirls camping in front of his door with rings in their backpacks.

[(Anonymous)]

OMG! This. Is. Made.Of.Win. I am LMAO, tears are streaming down my face. Oh God. So good.

I love the mockery soooo much, it's almost made all this crack!fic worth it. :)

~Ami

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Thanks a lot!

[angearia.livejournal.com]

there's many of us, and we have a plan.

After watching so much BSG, their intro flashed in my head upon reading this. :D

Do we think we should get them a little wheel?

*SNERK*

Sorry, can't even mention him. Property of IDW. So how am we supposed to start a new race with an Adam who shoots blanks?

*DIES*

*RESURRECTS SELF*

I ♥ you.

[angearia.livejournal.com]

I know, I keep trying to quit Season 8, but damnit, this last issue was so utterly crackalicious that I couldn't help myself.

Can I also say how happy I am that you're all "I can't quit you!" about Season 8 snark!fic? Because I'm very happy.

[slaymesoftly.livejournal.com]

*showers you with cookies in several flavors*

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

*munches, shares with everyone*

[fangfaceandrea.livejournal.com]

hahahahahahahaha!! awesome, just perfect to celebrate Bangel!Boikning Day.

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

It only comes once a decade, it has to be observed. Thanks!

[brunettepet.livejournal.com]

That was cracktastic! I was laughing at the Universe saying Balance over and over, sure the Universe would get it some time...

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Hey, it's canon that just saying "Think of the balance" will explain everything. :-) Thanks!

[darkpoole.livejournal.com]

BWAAAHAAAHAHAHAHA!!!!

You had me at

for it are legion and can therefore speak to themself

And it just went uphill from there.

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Thank youse!

[jnb71976.livejournal.com]

First, this: Do we think we should get them a little wheel?"

Then this: "We keep using that word. We do not think it means what we think it means."

This had my face cracking with the big smile and snerk. You're lovely. All your snark maketh glad. :D

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Thanks a lot! In my experience, there's little that cannot be solved by judicious application of Princess Bride quotes.

[moscow-watcher.livejournal.com]

Definitely a worthy, dramatic payoff to all the millions of years of planning that we, the Universe, have put into this for the last couple of years

I can't stop giggling! First, I read the issue. Then I read your missing scene. The latter is much more coherent...

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Thanks a lot! Retcons are fun, aren't they?

[prophecygirrl.livejournal.com]

"And look how happy they are with their reward in their new habitat. Do we think we should get them a little wheel?"

"Isn't a reward usually something the rewardee wants?"

"It's not about what they want. It's about what they need."

There are quite simply no words for the wonder that is this snark. And I love you wrote it in omnipotent person plural.

Thanks for a great read!

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

And I love you wrote it in omnipotent person plural.

For the first time ever, I found myself wishing the English language had more verb and adjective conjugations so I had more to play with than just "we am"...

[gillo]

That really should be the last word on the whole sordid topic. (Except for kaaa'rk of course.)

Brilliant!

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Kaaaark!

[rahirah]

Where would you like your internet delivered?

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

*holds up scythe*

I share it with everyone!

...unless that'll bring about the apocalypse?

[eilowyn.livejournal.com]

We should really, really be grateful to Season 8 because without it, there would be no comics-related snark!fic.

Oh, Universe! Your use of irony and pop culture references gets me every time!

*Continues to hum Huey Lewis, with frequent bouts of maniacal giggle fits. Has had this problem for the past 24 hours*

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

The power of crack is a curious thing. Thanks!

[rhi-silverflame.livejournal.com]

I officially feel 300% better about that issue now. I needed that. Thank you.

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Yay! And thank you!

[diamondtook862.livejournal.com]

Very very happy-making.

Why do we care about who falls in love with whom on a mostly harmless little planet in galactic sector 7G?"

I can never complain about a good Douglas Adams ref in a fic so fitting to his oeuvre...

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

As flying sex goes, Arthur and Fenchurch were a lot sexier. *nods* Thanks!

[owenthurman.livejournal.com]

Yeah. Sigh.

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Pretty much.

[shipperx.livejournal.com]

If he did, they're probably dead now."

"Then yes. Exactly like that.


Bwha!

It sort of reminds me of the whale and the petunias in Hitchiker's Guide :)

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

I think the ghost of Douglas Adams possessed me just a little bit here... possibly as a revenge for Meltzer ripping off the sex scenes in So Long, And Thanks For All The Fish. Thanks!

[treadingthedark.livejournal.com]

Thanks, that was a giggle! I haven't looked at the comic yet, but posts like this are putting me in the proper mood for it!

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[lynnenne]

"So they're the new and improved humanity? Kind of like in Childhood's End?"

"Um... does Arthur C Clarke have lawyers?"

The Universe gazed at the old Earth, being consumed by earthquakes and stuff. "If he did, they're probably dead now."

*dies laughing*

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

See, that's the great thing about apocalypses: nobody can sue you afterwards!

No one will have the endurance
To collect on his insurance
Lloyd's Of London will be llllloaded when they go!

Thanks!

[hello-spikey.livejournal.com]

Hurts! Hurts!!!

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Sorry. :-)

[jamalov29.livejournal.com]

This is so brilliantly hilarious!

The Universe looked down on Buffy and Angel, dancing around among the flowers and unicorns wearing togas and singing "We are as gods! We are gods! We are as gooooods!" Now that's an unforgettable visual.

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Well, I can't really take credit for that one; if Joss wants to sell us Andrew's dream in "Storyteller" as big apocalyptic drama, it's his doing. :-)

Thanks!

[ms-scarletibis.livejournal.com]

Most excellent, yes :D

They are a bit like Adam and Eve in reverse, huh? Assuming Twilight is some kind of Utopia.

Meh.

Still--really enjoyed this, and I wish the people at DH could read it ;)

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

The thing about utopias is that they work best when we're given some sort of reason to think they're a good thing. I really don't know where this plot line came from. Maybe it's not just the cookies that are baked.

Thanks a lot!

[ubi4soft.livejournal.com]

I can't stop laughing

And if Universes are still coming with "It's our plan for mankind that we've been planning since forever for three years now", I'll revert to my ancestors religion (throwing sticks and stones at the sky when it rains - PTB)

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

I'll revert to my ancestors religion (throwing sticks and stones at the sky when it rains - PTB)

Bwah! I kind of love that.