Ficlet: The Plan

[beer_good_foamy]

I know, I keep trying to quit Season 8, but damnit, this last issue was so utterly crackalicious that I couldn't help myself.

Title: The Plan
Author: Beer Good (beer_good_foamy)
Fandom: Season 8
Rating: PG13
Word count: ~650
Warning: Apocalypse
Summary: A missing scene from #34, explaining what's really going on behind the scenes. Or above them. Or... well, everywhere, really. Come with me now, gentle readers, to a secret meeting of... The Universe.

"The universe... the universe is answering. (It's) smart enough to have a far bigger plan for them."
- Rupert Giles, Season 8 #34

The Plan

"Right," the Universe asked itselves (for it are legion and can therefore speak to themself). "So how's our plan for mankind coming?"

"Splendid," it answered. "Buffy and Angel have ascended to Twilight."

A quasar over in the Andromeda galaxy that hadn't been paying attention looked up."Tw-what?"

"Sorry, that got conveniently covered along with Buffy's nipples. Comics code."

"No, we mean... what's Twilight?"

"If we'd paid attention we wouldn't have to ask stupid questions. Just accept it: there's many of us, and we have a plan."

"Yeah, because that always works out so well. Humour us."

"Fine. It's our plan for mankind that we've been planning since forever for three years now. Buffy and Angel fell in love - "

"Who and who fell where now?"

"Buffy and Angel. They're a vampire and a vampire Slayer on a planet called Earth. They fell in love, and as a reward we're going to give them a whole bunch of spiffy powers, kill everyone, and reboot the whole planet."

The Universe looked down on Buffy and Angel, dancing around among the flowers and unicorns wearing togas and singing "We are as gods! We are gods! We are as gooooods!"

"That's a catchy tune they're singing."

"We thought so. Definitely a worthy, dramatic payoff to all the millions of years of planning that we, the Universe, have put into this for the last couple of years."

"So they're the new and improved humanity? Kind of like in Childhood's End?"

"Um... does Arthur C Clarke have lawyers?"

The Universe gazed at the old Earth, being consumed by earthquakes and stuff. "If he did, they're probably dead now."

"Then yes. Exactly like that. Except much more efficient. We copied some earthquakes and stuff from 2012, skipped that whole bit about an entire generation gradually overtaking the old species and just called down an apocalypse. And look how happy they are with their reward in their new habitat. Do we think we should get them a little wheel?"

"Isn't a reward usually something the rewardee wants?"

"It's not about what they want. It's about what they need."

"But... we am the Universe. Like, the entire f#©%in' Universe. We'm big. Really, really, big. Plus, seeing as we am mostly made up of empty space where life is very rare, we should count myselves damn lucky to even be sentient. Why do we care about who falls in love with whom on a mostly harmless little planet in galactic sector 7G?"

"Because of balance."

"Balance? What about balance?"

"Just... well... we know. Balance."

"What does that even -"

"Balance."

"We keep using that word. We do not think it means what we think it means."

"Stop it with the pop culture references, or we will never hear surf music again! We've been planning this since forever since season 1 since 2007. It's done, it's settled. Humanity dies, Buffy and Angel will be Adam and Eve for the new mankind, and their children will populate the new Earth."

"Kind of like in Norse mythology?"

"Does Snorri Sturluson have... ah, screw it. Yes. Are we done?"

"We just have one more question."

"Alright then."

"It's a two-word question."

"OK."

"Shouldn't be difficult for us to answer. We am sure we have thought this through already."

"Shoot."

"Here it is: Their children?"

"Yes...? What about their children?"

"Isn't Angel a vampire?"

And the Universe was silent for a few galactic seconds. "Yes, but... um..."

"We mean, cold dead seed and all that?"

"What about C*****?"

"Sorry, can't even mention him. Property of IDW. So how am we supposed to start a new race with an Adam who shoots blanks?"

"Well, see... That's the..." The Universe racked the vast amounts of nothing that it used for brains for a reply. "No, because if they... And then... with the sparkling..."

And again, there was silence. For almost a whole galactic minute, there was silence. Then the entire universe resounded with the mightiest sound ever heard, and it was probably a good thing that there was barely anyone left on Earth to hear it.

"D'OH!"

Comments

[sarian71]

BWHAHAHAA! =D

Ooh, this is brilliant in every way I can think of! Simply awesome!
There's one good thing about S8. It inspires fics like this.

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Thanks a lot!

[rebcake.livejournal.com]

I've yet to read the comic, but whoa nellie, do I love your crack the mostest! All those references! *licks them* I'm sure I'm missing something, but it's awfully satisfying anyway. Please, sir, may we have some more? Next time, maybe?

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Hope it works as well when you've read it. :-) Thanks a lot!

[sroni.livejournal.com]

*giggles*

I think I love you. But alas, we can never be together, because I'm already engaged. :D

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

*sigh* It could never be, but it was sweet while it lasted. (And congrats.)

Thanks!

[shapinglight]

ROFLMAO.

Brilliant!

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[paratti.livejournal.com]

Snerk.

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

:-)

[frogfarm]

I will now be saying WEEM BIG all day. Possibly all week.

Also, because of all the diet flack I've been taking, I now hear a sheep every time I hear that word. "Baaaa-lanced! Baaaaa-lanced!" Yeah buddy, balance this.

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Hmmm... Cordelia called Harmony a sheep in s2. Clearly, Harmony's role in this baaaaaalance thing is bigger than we thought.

Thanks!

[larabeckinsale.livejournal.com]

I just caught up with the comics, after the WTF party I threw when finished reading it, this is just what I needed, marry me!

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

I'm already promised to something like three people in the comments here, but I'll get to you eventually. ;-) Thanks a lot!

[sockmonkeyhere.livejournal.com]

BWAAAAAAAAAHA! I shall be pimping this ficlet all over the interwebs AND nominating you for a Pulitzer Prize. You are made of awesomesauce! (Which is much healthier for us than Twangelsploodge.) \o/

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

You realise that now I'll never be able to hear the word "awesomesauce" without thinking of... ewww. ;-) Thanks a lot, both for reading and pimping!

[curiouswombat.livejournal.com]

You know you've almost succeeded in making me want to read it. Almost, but not quite - cos I'm sure you are more in tune with the universe than the comic people anyway....

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

And actually, this was the first issue in a very long time I actually enjoyed. Not for the reasons DH wanted me to, since it's literally crack on a cosmic scale, but...

We are as Gooooooodddds!

[sistercuervo.livejournal.com]

We love you with an omnipotent (and possibly impotent) love. Bless, this is the funniest thing I've read in ages. Every single thing from the Princess Bride to Arthur C. Clark.
"We thought so. Definitely a worthy, dramatic payoff to all the millions of years of planning that we, the Universe, have put into this for the last couple of years."

"So they're the new and improved humanity? Kind of like in Childhood's End?"

"Um... does Arthur C Clarke have lawyers?"

The Universe gazed at the old Earth, being consumed by earthquakes and stuff. "If he did, they're probably dead now."

Re: We are as Gooooooodddds!

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Thank you all! :-)

[kathylovesspike.livejournal.com]

OH My Freakin' God...you just made my day!!!!!
Absolutely hilarious and your version makes SOOOOOO much more sense.

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[altyronsmaker.livejournal.com]

OMG. You had me at "We keep using that word. We do not think it means what we think it means."

I laughed so hard at this I have tears running down my legs!!!!

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Sounds serious. :-) Thanks a lot!

[i-timan-i.livejournal.com]

This was gold.

Once again you have perfectly encapsulated the collective shrug which is the Buffy audience.

One thing, you're quick to criticise Giles' explanation within this issue but you have to take into account the amount of times he's been hit in the head throughout the run that's gotta have done some damage.

You know what, just because I think you are one of the only people in the fandom capable of doing this, I dare you to write a fic plugging up every plothole and pointless sub-plot in season eight. (personally I like to know Angel's thought process behind the tiny, plush, misogynistic vampire kitties).

~ Timan ~

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

One thing, you're quick to criticise Giles' explanation within this issue but you have to take into account the amount of times he's been hit in the head throughout the run that's gotta have done some damage.

True, true. That would probably explain him failing elementary school biology. Or maybe he was always completely ignorant - he just looked well-educated next to California schoolkids. ;-)

You know what, just because I think you are one of the only people in the fandom capable of doing this, I dare you to write a fic plugging up every plothole and pointless sub-plot in season eight. (personally I like to know Angel's thought process behind the tiny, plush, misogynistic vampire kitties).

Thanks, but the problem is that I already have a full-time job. Besides, I kind of liked your explanation for Twilight's bizarre tactics - that he simply wasn't getting enough oxygen under that mask - but of course, that doesn't really work now that Twilight is Angel (and is acting even more bizarre than he ever was with the mask on). I mean Twilight the person, not the planet. Or the threat to the planet. Or the alternate reality. Or the Universe's plan for the alternate threat to the planet of the person in the Bella/Edward reality. Or whatever the hell "twilight" means.

[quinara]

Love it. :D And YES on the geocentricism; really can't be doing with it...

(Hope you don't mind if I friend you, BTW - I've been admiring your comments and stuff for a while, so it would be nice to get it direct to my flist!)

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

And don't mind at all - friending you right back!

[caurielle.livejournal.com]

OMG! You are awesome! :D:D:D

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Thanks! :-)

[sparrow2000.livejournal.com]

I haven't read any of S8, but this is just so damn wonderful in its own right. I'll never be able to look at the word 'Balance' again without giggling like crazy.

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Thanks! (The worst part is, "Balance!" is pretty much the explanation we get in the comics too...)

[diebirchen.livejournal.com]

Yup! And then too, I'd appreciate a show of hands for displeasure in general with Season 8. Lately it's been making me feel a bit like a dispeptic chipmunk. Not rabid, mind you, but a bit off plumb. You're gonna have to lift 'em good and high. I'm out here in the Midwestern fly-over zone.

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

*raises hand*

Thanks!

[bobthemole.livejournal.com]

I'd have to quote the entire fic to point out everything I love, so I'll arbitrarily pick...

"We am the Universe. Like, the entire f#©%in' Universe. We'm big. Really, really, big."

because the grammar is awesome.

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

The English language really isn't well suited to hive minds. You have to bend it a bit. :-)

[fenchurche.livejournal.com]

I just realized I never did post a reply to this and I definitely wanted to... That was absolutely perfect!! You had me laughing so hard, I had to read the story out loud to my husband to explain why!

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Haha, thanks a lot!

[(Anonymous)]

This is absolutely BRILLIANT! Thanks!!!

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Thank you, glad you liked it!

[nmcil12.livejournal.com]

All I can say is NICE, and 2x NICE

however, think that the CDS has been taken care of already - no longer a pre-existing condition - see Obamacare is working just fine- even for vamps and would be Gods.

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[probablecylon.livejournal.com]

You've produced, intentionally, the snorts (yes I snort) of laughter that were unintentionally by the Great Joss Sharkjump'n'hump.

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

I saw a comment somewhere that if more people were actually following Season 8, "space fucking" might replace "shark jumping" permanently.

[just-shy-1.livejournal.com]

Here via the link in your New Year's post. This was great! I haven't read the comics because honestly the idea that Buffy's life culminates in magical space nookie makes me ill.

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

And you're not missing much. The comics plot really is exactly what it sounds like, IMO.

[red-satin-doll.livejournal.com]

The only way to address the comics is through frequent, unstinting mockery, says I.

"It's not about what they want. It's about what they need."

And that - tipping of sacred idols? Always a good thing. you are as a god to me (which means I'm contradicting myself, but whatever.)

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

The only way to address the comics is through frequent, unstinting mockery, says I.

Truer words have never been spoken. Thanks! (Or pax vobiscum, if you prefer. ;) )