beer_good_foamy: (Buffy)
[personal profile] beer_good_foamy
Here's a very silly fic. Hopefully it's even remotely comprehensible to people who… y'know, aren't me.

Title: Ceteris Paribus (All Else Being Equal)
Author: Beer Good ([personal profile] beer_good_foamy)
Fandom: Buffy, season 4
Word Count: 1500 (15 100-word drabbles)
Rating: PG13
Author's note: Anyone attempting to take this as serious politics will be shot glared at.
Summary: In canon, Buffy and Willow are Psychology majors. Isn't it funny how that echoes in a lot of the themes in season 4? What if they'd picked a different subject, like... oh, I dunno... Economics? Sure, the story would mostly be the same, but I have a feeling some of the details would be very different indeed.

Buyer Beware

”What about economics?” Willow thumbed through the USC catalog. ”It's fun, a-and you can use it as your social science requirement. Anyway, Professor Walsh is supposed to be great. She's, like, world-renowned.”

”Economics?” Buffy frowned. ”Cooking, cleaning and stuff?”

”That's home economics. Whole different kettle of fish, in that home ec has kettles of fish and economics has consumer behavior and prices and interest rates.”

”So we'd be shopping? For credit? Cool.”

”Kinda. Shopping theory. Allocation of resources and so on.”

Behind them, a vampire dug his way out of his grave, saw their weapons and quickly made himself scarce.

$ $ $


How I Wrote Elastic Demand

”These are things we want,” Professor Walsh lectured. ”Comfort, sex, shelter, food, brand new shoes. We always want them and we want them all the time. But since they're not free and our resources are limited, we prioritize.” She drew a sloping curve on the blackboard. ”A demand isn't what we want, but how much of it we want at a given price – what we're willing to give up for it. And where there's a demand, the market forces create a supply.”

"I thought the Mayor built this town for demons?" Buffy whispered to Willow.

"Yup. We're a public good."

$ $ $


Inferior Goods

”I've enjoyed talking to you. Here. Tonight,” Parker said sincerely, gazing into Willow's eyes.

”Me too. I mean, with you. You know, I'm wondering something. About you.”

”What?”

Willow grinned. ”Just how cheap do you think I am? This isn't something valuable! Yeah, that's right, I've got your number, Giffen boy. I swear, it's all supply and demand with you men. The second you see a set of curves, all you can think about is getting your equilibrium on.”

Then three frat boys who had been turned into Ayn Rand fans by magic beer tried to blow up the coffeeshop.

$ $ $


Raygunomics

”I'm sure you'll understand if I seem far from happy.” Maggie Walsh glared at her troops. ”Hostile 17's found an accomplice who's smart, aggressive, and somehow escapes description?”

Forrest, Graham and Riley shuffled awkardly. ”Whoever he was, the guy was big.” ”Strong, too.” ”Whoever... or whatever?”

Walsh wasn't impressed. ”I'm not interested in guess work, gentlemen. Call me old-fashioned. I like results. This report reads like a child's riddle book. Agent Finn, tell me something good. My incentive plan?”

”The plan works. A masterpiece of behavioral economics, Ma'am. Hostile 17 has realized that harming another living soul is simply... unprofitable.”

$ $ $


Home Economics After All

”No.” Xander shook his head emphatically. ”Also uh-uh, negatory, not on your life, and nope. I've worked hard for that basement. It took me years of meticulously planned failure to get there. I am not sharing it with Spike.”

”Pleeeease?” Willow and Buffy made Bambi eyes at him. ”Giles has had him for weeks, and we can't keep him in our dorm room.”

”Here's a novel thought: why don't we just stake him?”

”He's harmless. He won't bite anyone. Besides, he has information we need.”

” Like what?”

Willow looked embarrassed. ”Well... we have this paper on the industrial revolution...”

$ $ $


Scrooge McDuck

Stravinsky's "Rite of Spring" played on the boom box. WHO ARE THE GENTLEMEN? read Giles' first slide. THEY ARE MEDIÆVAL MONSTERS. WHAT DO THEY WANT? HEARTS.

WHY HEARTS? Buffy wrote on her board.

Giles produced a slide of a treasure chest full of hearts.

Anya rolled her eyes in a way that somehow managed to convey Oh please. What's the point of amassing wealth only to keep it? Capital needs to be invested and circulated, not hoarded.

Willow nodded and wrote MERCANTILISM FAIL.

Giles once again pointed at "MEDIÆVAL."

Later that night, Buffy and Riley kissed for the first time.

$ $ $


Regression Analysis

In room 314, Maggie Walsh paced back and forth. ”If she wants a fight, we'll give her one. Won't we, Adam? I've worked too long to let some little bitch threaten this project. Threaten me. Once she's gone, Riley will understand. It's for the optimal good. Remove the complication and when she least expects it - ”

She cried out as something grabbed her heart, crushing it in her chest. She turned around and saw the father of modern economics standing behind her. ”Adam...?” she gasped with her last breath.

Adam Smith pulled his invisible hand from her back. "Mommy."



$ $ $


It's A Fort Knox Life

”That's the thing about a coma.” Faith uncrossed her arms. ”You wake up rested and rejuvenated, and ready for payback. With interest.”

”Nominal or real?” Buffy asked.

Faith didn't turn around as Willow snuck up behind her. ”You know, B, you took one hell of a risk when you tried to kill me – try it, Red, and I'll compound your face. So my question is: was the reward worth it? 'Cause I don't see Angel around anywhere.”

Before they re-established their usual fixed violence exchange rate, the cops showed up and Faith took off. ”I hate Slayer surpluses,” Willow muttered.

$ $ $


It Depends

”Vampires are a paradox,” Adam Smith mused. ”Being soulless, you only care about yourselves, yet you hunt in faceless packs, creating a market in perfect competition where no one vampire has a comparative advantage, margins approach zero, and the humans can substitute you for other monsters. I can change that. I will help you create a monopoly where you can utilize your economies of scale to maximize profits.”

”Does any of this make sense to you?” one vampire whispered to his colleague.

”He just ripped Rick's head clean off his body. But you go ahead and interrupt if you want.”

$ $ $


Gross Demonic Product

”Ewww.”

”That's pretty much my reaction too. Ewww.”

Willow, Xander and Buffy looked up at the Polgara demon who'd been gutted and strung up in a tree.

”Well, look at the bright side. At least Adam Smith is helping us kill demons,” said Xander.

”I'm not sure that's a good sign. Look.” Buffy pointed at the puddle of black blood coagulating on the ground under the demon.

”Oh God. Not good.” Willow shook her head.

Xander gave them a funny look. ”Am I missing something here? Him bleeding demons dry is bad because...?”

Buffy nodded gravely. ”He's discovered trickle-down theory.”

$ $ $


Laissez-Faire

”There's 'woo', and there's 'hoo'. But there's 'uh-oh', and 'why now', and... it's complicated.”

Buffy frowned. ”Why complicated?”

Willow steeled herself. ”I've been spending a lot of time with Tara lately, and... um... remember how Xander giggled when we tried to explain about homo economicus?”

”Oh... you mean… Oh.” Buffy got up and started pacing nervously. ”Well, that's great, Will. Tara's a really great girl, Will. And obviously you have to maximize your utility, Will, a-and distribute your...”

Willow cracked a shy smile. ”OK, you need to take a deep breath before you start quizzing me on the input-output model.”

$ $ $


Human Development Index

”That's Adam's plan? Kill all demons and turn everyone into a vampire?” Riley wasn't impressed. ”Sounds a little obvious, doesn't it?”

Giles nodded. ”And there's the Davros effect: why would billions of vampires need him?”

”Don't you see?” Willow said. ”He's creating a hyperinflation of vampires. Vampires feed on humans. Once everyone's a vampire, you'd need a wheelbarrow full of vampires to... I mean the purchasing power of each vamp would be zero, and Adam Smith would control the world. We need..." She had an idea. "Ooh, Buffy, do you still have that curved sickle thing you got in LA?”

$ $ $


A Capital Plan

The spell required a worker (Xander), a college intellectual (Willow), an armed faction (Buffy), and someone who could speak German. So it was Giles who got to read the invocation.

"Arbeiter aller Länder, vereinigt euch!"

In the lab below the Initiative, Buffy started glowing bright red and went on the offense. Adam Smith desperately tried to regain the advantage, but it was like fighting a whole army.

The red Slayer parried each blow from his invisible hand with her warhammer. Then she swung the sickle in a low arc between Adam Smith's legs and... um... socialized his means of production.

$ $ $


The Restless Consumer

After waking from the dream, they sat down in the kitchen.

Willow shuddered. ”...The First. Wow.”

”Big with the socialization,” Xander said.

”And the beard. Definitely finished with the stubbly.”

Giles nodded. ”Somehow our union with Buffy was an affront to the source of that power. Or an encouragement, whichever is worse.”

”Y'know, you could have brought that up before we did it,” Buffy teased.

”I did. I said there could be dire consequences.”

Joyce walked in, yawning. ”I'm guessing I missed some fun?”

”The spirit of Karl Marx tried to make us establish a proletarian dictatorship in our dreams.”

$ $ $


Epilogue

Buffy gently laid the wounded monk down by the fence.

”My journey's done, I think,” he smiled.

”Don't get metaphory on me. We're going to the hospital. How's your health insurance?”

”No... is too late. You must... protect...” He was fading fast. ”The Beast wants free reign. Cut throats. Is inefficient. Energy... needed to redistribute... My brethren... we had to hide it. Made it human. Sent it to you.”

Buffy gasped. ”Dawn?”

”She's not... your sister... she's...” He coughed. ”Key...”

”She's what?!?”

The monk was on his last lungful. ”She's... John Maynard Keynes.”

”That's it,” Buffy groaned. ”I'm dropping out.”

$ $ $

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Date: 2010-10-25 01:51 pm (UTC)
snowpuppies: (Default)
From: [personal profile] snowpuppies
This...was completely awful.

And utterly brilliant, and nothing less that I'd expect of you.

Your brain makes mine spin and get dizzy.

Date: 2010-10-25 09:46 pm (UTC)
rebcake: Ethan Rayne: You say chaos like it's a bad thing. (btvs ethan chaos)
From: [personal profile] rebcake
Tee! Over on LJ, everybody has had a field day picking out my favorite bits (for the record: Just how cheap do you think I am?, paper on the industrial revolution, hammer and sickle...socialized his means of production) but then I realized that the dollar sign separators might actually be the perfect finishing touch. Bravo!

Date: 2010-10-25 01:02 pm (UTC)
shapinglight: (Default)
From: [personal profile] shapinglight
ROFL!

Brilliant and inspired. And absolutely hysterical. My favourite bit has to be this: The red Slayer parried each blow from his invisible hand with her warhammer. Then she swung the sickle in a low arc between Adam Smith's legs and... um... socialized his means of production.

ROFL some more.

Date: 2010-10-25 01:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com
Thanks a lot! After all the Serious Business in fandom lately, I had to write something completely ridiculous...

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Date: 2010-10-25 01:31 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ceciliaj.livejournal.com
”Well... we have this paper on the industrial revolution...”

LOL! This is awesome.

Date: 2010-10-25 02:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com
Can't you just picture Spike, chained in the bathtub, utterly sick of questions about cotton mills, Spinning Jennies and child labour? :) Thanks!
Edited Date: 2010-10-25 02:15 pm (UTC)

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Date: 2010-10-25 03:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] norwie2010.livejournal.com
I love You forever for this one! :D


Date: 2010-10-25 05:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com
I had a feeling you might like this... ;) Thanks!

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Date: 2010-10-25 03:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rayruz.livejournal.com
Excuse me while I roll around laughing.

Date: 2010-10-25 05:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com
You're excused. :) Thanks!

Date: 2010-10-25 03:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] diebirchen.livejournal.com
Been reading Wealth of Nations and Marx, huh? "Zu verlieren haben wir ja nichts mehr!" Loved it!

Date: 2010-10-25 05:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com
Actually, it's been a while since I read them - I had to cheat a bit and use wikipedia.

Thanks!

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Date: 2010-10-25 04:10 pm (UTC)

Date: 2010-10-25 05:16 pm (UTC)

Date: 2010-10-25 04:43 pm (UTC)
sarian71: (Hee!)
From: [personal profile] sarian71
Oh, I love brilliantly weird fics so much! :D

$ $ $

ROTFLMAO! It's all in the little details!
And the titles! LOL! How very 'The Big Bang Theory'!

Date: 2010-10-25 05:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com
Thanks a lot! (I haven't actually seen Big Bang Theory, but I take it as high praise.) :)

Fic pimp

Date: 2010-10-25 05:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pingback-bot.livejournal.com
User [livejournal.com profile] shapinglight referenced to your post from Fic pimp (http://shapinglight.livejournal.com/1013354.html) saying: [...] seventies. Great stuff, and boy does it take me back! In other fic news, there's Ceteris Paribus [...]

Date: 2010-10-25 05:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] digopheliadug.livejournal.com
I lol'ed, I rofl'ed (l'ed'ol? r'ed'ofl?), I was greatly amused.

Date: 2010-10-25 09:11 pm (UTC)

Date: 2010-10-25 07:01 pm (UTC)
snickfic: (Buffy hungry)
From: [personal profile] snickfic
You? You are very silly. And this was hilarious. I think the trickle-down theory is my favorite bit.

Date: 2010-10-25 09:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com
Silliness is its own reward. :) Thanks a lot!

Date: 2010-10-25 07:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] xlivvielockex.livejournal.com
Oh man, I haven't had time to read fic in such a long time but it's you. It's YOU! I have to read you because you never ever disappoint. This was so totally brilliant. I was laughing out loud at parts and this:

"Then three frat boys who had been turned into Ayn Rand fans by magic beer tried to blow up the coffeeshop."

I need that on a t-shirt or something. I totally snorted Diet Coke. LOL

Date: 2010-10-25 09:19 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com
Thanks (and hope you're not working too hard!)

I haven't actually read Ayn Rand, but from what I've read about her (thanks to [livejournal.com profile] shipperx and others) that reference seemed to make some sort of weird sense. As much sense as anything makes in this fic. :)

Date: 2010-10-25 08:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladyofthelog.livejournal.com
This is a work of fucking genius. I laughed until I cried. Seriously.

Anya would be proud!

Date: 2010-10-25 09:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com
Thanks! *happy hanky*

Date: 2010-10-25 08:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] brutti-ma-buoni.livejournal.com
*snorfle*

Adam Smith! MERCANTILISM FAIL!! Giles nodded. ”Somehow our union with Buffy was an affront to the source of that power. Or an encouragement, whichever is worse.” ”The spirit of Karl Marx tried to make us establish a proletarian dictatorship in our dreams.”

Hee-hee-hee-hahahaha-can't breathe-ahahaha.

I need to make a brilliant finishing quip about how 'economics' means 'household management' anyway, but I can't. Too weak from the laughter. Thank you.

Date: 2010-10-25 09:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com
Thanks a lot!

Adam Smith was actually the genesis of this fic - for some reason, I thought about Adam Smith killing people with his invisible hand, giggled for half an hour straight, then I thought of Dawn being The Keynes, and then it all snowballed from there.

And I'm glad somebody got the mercantilism joke too. :)

Date: 2010-10-25 08:48 pm (UTC)
gillo: (You rock)
From: [personal profile] gillo
Wonderful. The last line is pure genius!

Date: 2010-10-25 09:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com
Thanks! I always love fourth-wall-breaking Buffy.

Date: 2010-10-25 10:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sam-arkand.livejournal.com
You know, you're totally going to hell for the invisible hand pun.

These drabbles are even funnier when you consider Joss produced "Firefly", which has become the big libertarian drama-celebre.

Date: 2010-10-26 09:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com
I've been pun-hell-bound for a long time. Might as well make the most of it. Thanks!

Yeah, funny about that. Joss has said that he doesn't agree with Mal politically, which makes it a bit of an odd bird...

Date: 2010-10-26 12:00 am (UTC)
lynnenne: (buffy cow hat)
From: [personal profile] lynnenne
HEEEEEEEEEEEEE. This had me giggling down to my last penny.

Whole different kettle of fish, in that home ec has kettles of fish and economics has consumer behavior and prices and interest rates.”

LOL!

John Maynard Keynes

*DIES*

Very clever, very well done. *doffs cap*

Date: 2010-10-26 09:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com
Thanks! The kettle of fish bit is one of my favourite bits of Willowbabble I've written recently.

Date: 2010-10-26 12:45 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dragonyphoenix.livejournal.com
”Well... we have this paper on the industrial revolution...” *laughs*

I love the '$ $ $' between stories!

Adam Smith. *snickers*

Then she swung the sickle in a low arc between Adam Smith's legs and... um... socialized his means of production. And it's times like these that make me glad I'm a woman.

And I'd drop out too! Excellent stories.

Date: 2010-10-26 09:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com
Thanks a lot!

It was a bit frustrating uploading this to ff.net - they don't allow the "$ $ $" and that's definitely part of the story. :)

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Date: 2010-10-26 05:02 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bobthemole.livejournal.com
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!!!!!


So. Much. Brilliance!

Date: 2010-10-26 09:19 pm (UTC)

Date: 2010-10-26 05:47 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ouronlylight.livejournal.com
Oh my god, I've never taken an economics class, but this is AMAZING. That picture killed me. I'm still LOLing. Great job! <3

Date: 2010-10-26 09:19 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com
Thanks, glad it worked! I put a lot of work into making that manip look realistic, haha.

Date: 2010-10-26 09:17 am (UTC)
frogfarm: And a thousand gay men wept. (Default)
From: [personal profile] frogfarm
*groan*

*hatehatehatehatehateyou*

Oh okay, I'm still buying you a steak.

But dear God, the pain of it all.

Date: 2010-10-26 09:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com
I live to torment you, is that wrong? :) Thanks!

Date: 2010-10-26 09:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] vamp-squirrel.livejournal.com
Hi I followed a link here from [livejournal.com profile] su_herald. This is very funny!

Date: 2010-10-26 10:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com
Glad you liked it - thanks for stopping by!

Random ramblings, recs, and RP.

Date: 2010-10-26 11:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pingback-bot.livejournal.com
User [livejournal.com profile] xlivvielockex referenced to your post from Random ramblings, recs, and RP. (http://xlivvielockex.livejournal.com/156629.html) saying: [...] r but here you go, if you aren't following me over there Ceteris Paribus (All Else Being Equal) [...]

Date: 2010-11-01 07:44 pm (UTC)
ext_7259: (Default)
From: [identity profile] moscow-watcher.livejournal.com
Heeeee!

I have to admit that sometimes I had to tear through the terminology - I studied economy in Russian, so sometimes I couldn't quickly correlate English expressions to the terms I vaguely remember from the economics course. But it didn't spoil the story for me. What a funny, inspired, provocative fun!

Date: 2010-11-01 10:02 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com
Thanks a lot! I had to use wikipedia as a crutch for this one myself, so don't feel bad. :)
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