Fic: Not In The Brochure

[beer_good_foamy]

Here's a very silly fic, inspired by a comment from rebcake in red_satin_doll's journal.

Title: Not In The Brochure
Author: Beer Good (beer_good_foamy)
Fandom: Buffy
Word count: 600
Pairing: Buffy/Spike... sort of
Summary: It's the end of "Chosen." Spike is burning up in the Hellmouth, and Buffy's holding on to his hand, unable to let him go without telling him... except Spike has something to tell her, too. And it concerns her mother.

Not In The Brochure

As the last of the new Slayers made their way up the stairs, Buffy ran up to Spike. He seemed to be glowing, standing in the bright shaft of sunlight with an incredulous smile on his face as the medallion around his neck incinerated the übervamps in the cave below.

"Gotta move, lamb," he said as she grasped his hand. "I think it's fair to say school's out for bloody summer."

She looked in his eyes, where tears barely had time to form before evaporating from the heat. "Spike..."

"I mean it, I gotta do this," he insisted. With a reassuring smile, he added: "I made a promise to your mum."

Buffy had already opened her mouth to say something else, but now she frowned, mentally rewound what he'd just said and replied, "My... Huh? What? How? When?"

"About six years ago," Spike said. "Don't you remember? She hit me with an axe over the head and told me to get the hell away from her daughter."

"Sure, I remember, but... I'm kinda burning my hand here, and I don't see what that has to do with anything?"

Spike nodded meaningfully at the collapsing cave around them.

"What?"

"Well," he said, "not to brag, but I am bringing down the hellmouth. Getting it away from you and all."

Buffy nodded, getting the conversation back on track. "Right. Which is why I need to tell you wait, hang on a minute, are you saying..."

"Now you're getting it."

"...You're saying that the last few years have all been a cunning plan on your part to literally get the Hell - this Hell - away from me?"

"Uh-huh," Spike confirmed. "And from your daughters."

"My... daughters?" Buffy unconsciously brought up her free hand to check if she had mom hair.

"Well, metaphorically speaking. All the little Slayerlings."

Buffy stared at him for a few seconds, then shook her head to clear it. "Whatever. I love y-"

"Yup, six years it took me. Your mum had a hell of a commanding voice," Spike said wistfully. "No wonder your room is always so neat."

"Would you stop talking about my mom!"

Spike, unperturbed, continued. "But this time, it's up to me to do the clean-up. It's what Joyce would have wanted. She was one classy lady."

She gave him the coolest stare she could under the circumstances. "Spike, I am trying to tell you that - OW!" Suddenly she let go of his hand and jumped up and down, shaking her hand in the air. "Son of a bitch!"

"Woah, young lady. Language!"

"My. Hand. Caught. Fire," Buffy told him through gritted teeth.

"Well, that's no reason to use that kind of language," he admonished her. "You need to set a good example for your daughters."

"They're not my - " Buffy brought her emotions back in check. Spike was burning up in front of her, the cave was falling in, and she probably didn't have much time. "Spike. Isn't there something you want to tell me?"

He focused those soulful, blue eyes on hers, leaned forward through the flames and said, "Buffy?"

"Yes?"

"Do you think Joyce will be waiting for me with a cup of cocoa in heaven? I mean, I don't mean to presume, but I am dying to save the world like she wanted, and..."

Buffy threw up her hands. "Fine. Yes, I'm sure she will, and I hope you'll be very happy together." She barely had time to see the huge grin that spread across his face before she stomped on up the stairs.

Spike craned his neck and called out after her: "Thanks for saying it!"

As the flames consumed him, he could have sworn he smelled marshmallows.

Comments

[deird1]

Hee!

*collapses in laughter*

[beer_good_foamy]

Thanks a lot! :)

[frayadjacent]

Ha! Love it.

[beer_good_foamy]

Thank you!

[mrs-underhill.livejournal.com]

AAAA, love it so much! :D I'd love it to be the real ending of Choosen. End up in heaven with Joyce would be the best thing ever to happen to Spike.

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Thank you! You might argue it would be a better fate than ghosting it up on Angel...

[local-max.livejournal.com]

Hee! perfect.

Which makes me wonder:


Doc: I don't smell a soul on you anywhere! Why do you care?

Spike: I made a promise to a lady.

Doc: Oh?

Spike: Yeah, this littl'un's mum. I mean, I was mostly snarling and saying "women" but, inside, it was a promise. Get the Hell away from her daughters. You bleed her, the dimensions will open and the Hells will pile up on this one's head even before it gets to the other one.

Doc: She said "daughters," plural? I mean, were you threatening --

Spike thought for a moment.

Spike: Yeah, I mean, I guess she probably didn't. But that's what I remember. Those monks, clever blighters. I remember her saying "get the hell away from my daughters," but then -- you weren't there, were you?

Dawn: No, I was staying at home with a babysitter. Julie. (pause) I mean no I was green energy. Wait, what was Julie actually doing then?

Spike: It doesn't matter. Probably babysitting some other bit somewhere else. Anyway, yeah, so, I guess maybe now that I think about it I probably didn't actually promise that but -- well, maybe I did, maybe her tongue slipped and she said "daughters," and even if she just said "daughter" it wouldn't be clear which one she meant, right? I mean, if she suddenly had two daughters.

Dawn: Wasn't the context that you had been about to kill Buffy? I feel like she probably meant Buffy if she said singular. And Buffy was her only daughter back then.

Spike: Right. Well, to be on the safe side! A promise to a lady.

Doc: Oh.

(Doc shoots out his tongue, sweeps Spike's legs out from under him and grabs a hold of him)

Doc: Well I'll send the lady your regrets.

Spike: Oh. Maybe we should have talked about all that stuff later.

Dawn: Uh, yeah, good thinking.

[rebcake.livejournal.com]

Of course, Spike's managed to monologue long enough that Buffy gets there in the nick of time! I like it!

Yes, I am well content with another hilarious comment fic! Win!

[slaymesoftly.livejournal.com]

I can't decide whether to laugh or cringe.... :)

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Either's fine with me. :) Thanks!

[rebcake.livejournal.com]

Oh my goddess. Such a mama's boy. ♥

You, sir, have made me very happy. Might want to put a "Drink no beverages while reading this fic" warning at the top. Just a thought. Though, people probably already know to approach a BGF fic with caution!

*iz satisfied*

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Thank you! Yeah, Spike's old William instincts really kicked in here. :) Mustn't upset Mater.

[ffutures.livejournal.com]

That's a really neat idea - like it a lot.

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Part of the credit goes to rebcake.

[kikimay]

I'm glad you wrote this fic. It's so funny!

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Thank you, again! :)

[moriwen1.livejournal.com]

Oh my gosh, I love this so much. Getting the hell away from her, literally! And Buffy being all revved up to tell him she loves him, and he won't stop blathering on about Joyce. Brilliant!

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Thanks a lot! I love defusing serious dramatic moments... :)

[curiouswombat.livejournal.com]

I rather like Spike/Joyce...

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

It's not a bad ship as ships go, with their backgrounds. Teenage!Joyce would be in awe of Spike, and William needs a mum-ish type to look after him.

[red-satin-doll.livejournal.com]

I'm still fond of the original shorter version as well, but this?

As the flames consumed him, he could have sworn he smelled marshmallows.

OMG - this so "funny-gross". (Is there a proper term for this sort of thing, what with horror movies like Shawn of the Dead or whatnot? Like, an equivalent of "dramedy"?)

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Thanks a lot!

(Is there a proper term for this sort of thing, what with horror movies like Shawn of the Dead or whatnot? Like, an equivalent of "dramedy"?)

There definitely should be. "Black comedy" just sounds so generic. Hmmm.

[relurker.livejournal.com]

Oh, come on! This is so amusingly silly, I'll have to stop reading for the day: your work here is done.
: )

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

:) Thanks a lot!

[velvetwhip.livejournal.com]

I love this and want to cuddle it like a puppy! (And no, not just because I have a sooper sekrit thing for Spike/Joyce and am imagining that he's doing all this because he was madly in love with her and 'cup of coca' is the cute code they used for their secret flings.) This is fantabulous!


Gabrielle

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Thanks a lot!

Spike/Joyce is definitely one of those ships you could, up to a point at least, argue that it could have happened offscreen... Or at least would have if Buffy hadn't interrupted them. :)

[baphrosia.livejournal.com]

And he says thanks for saying it! Brilliant!

The sad thing is, Spike is just so weird for a vampire, it's not entirely crack!fic. :)

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

And crackfic? Certainly not. This is the way it should have happened in my own personal canon. :P

[shapinglight]

Hee! Very funny. It's Spike's matter of fact tone that gets me.

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

Well, this is important stuff. Spike wouldn't joke around about things like this. :)

[waddiwasiwitch.livejournal.com]

Hee! Love this.

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[comlodge.livejournal.com]

Oh this is just bad! ROTFLMAO even though I'm sick and got a sore tummy. Loved it! :D

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Thank you! And I hope you're feeling better!

[kikimay]

This is so hilarious. I love it.

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

Here from Rebcake's rec on Seasonal Spuffy

[thenewbuzwuzz]

OH MY GOD. XD I'm in public, and I just tried not to cackle outright. IT WAS HARD.

Love the twist from Buffy's very serious, dramatic POV to... what? what?? :)))

The "mom hair" line. :)

"Slayerlings". :))

Spike's total, blissful calm. :)))

Buffy actually reacting when her frickin' hand catches fire! Priceless.

Re: Here from Rebcake's rec on Seasonal Spuffy

[beer_good_foamy]

Thank you! I love it when an insane plotbunny comes together. :)

[rahirah]

LOL!!!!

[beer_good_foamy]

Thanks!

[double_dutchess]

Here on rebcake's recommendation. This was great, very funny! I'm viewing Spike's arc with different eyes now -- or maybe I should say, my eyes have opened at last :-)

[beer_good_foamy]

Thank you - and perfect icon! :)

[(Anonymous)]

Here from Seasonal Spuffy...
You are the worstest tongue-in-cheek cheeky Spuffy writer, ever!
If anybody else had done it, I would have probably hated it, but I DO love how you write, and it was so much fun, followed by comment-fic fun.
Rebcake is a genius for linking this!

[(Anonymous)]

By the way, I'm Relurker

[freecat15]

That's hilarious!!!
Thank you for taking the lump in my throat during that scene away for ever :D
Also, I love the thought of Joyce sipping hot cacoa in heaven with Spike!

[beer_good_foamy]

Thank you!

Spike and Joyce sitting on a cloud, D-R-I-N-K-... wait, that doesn't rhyme. But yeah, it's a good image.