Fic: Development Hell, chapter 2

[beer_good_foamy]

Title: Development Hell
Author: Beer Good (beer_good_foamy)
Fandom: Buffyverse, post-"Chosen"
Rating: PG13
Word Count: ~1800 (this chapter)
Characters/Pairings: Let's see, there's Buffy, Andrew, Lorne, and a couple of OCs. Various other characters as well as canonical pairings will be alluded to, played with, and lovingly frosted with glucose. Also, any similarities to actual Hollywood actors are entirely coincidental, I swear.
Summary: While killing time in Rome, Buffy runs into a new Slayer with a shocking secret. Now, she's going to have to face her past to keep both herself and those around her from a Fate Worse Than Death... Hollywood.

Previously: Chapter 1, in which Buffy meets and rescues someone claiming to be Buffy The Vampire Slayer

Development Hell
Chapter 2, in which things are explained

In his office, Andrew was just putting the final touches on his latest scrapbook of successful multi-Slayer missions when his door opened and Buffy poked her head inside.

"Hey, Andrew, guess what? I was just enjoying my regular bi-weekly vacation from vacation and planning where I was going to go shopping tomorrow, when..." She opened the door fully and marched MacKenzie into the room, guided her to the visitor's chair and pointed at her with the sword she'd conveniently forgotten to sheathe. "I don't know what she is, but there better be a good explanation. And let me just stress that if the explanation contains any variation on the word 'robot', it'll be considered Not Good."

MacKenzie looked offended. "I'm not a robot! I'm very - "

"Funny, that's what the last robot said." Buffy turned to Andrew. "Well?"

Andrew took on the same look he always got when he had to say something he knew people wouldn't like, and was trying to come up with a good way to spin it. "Hey, did you know that Sound Of Music was based on a true story?" he finally asked. "And Shakespeare In Love? And..."

"...and Night Of The Living Dead," Buffy interrupted. "All myths are true, yada yada yada, got that when I killed Hansel and Gretel. What's your point?"

MacKenzie was busy checking herself for bruises and dirty clothes. "I'm so telling my agent about this," she muttered.

"Agent?" Buffy's eyes widened at the concept of mysterious people in trenchcoats switching briefcases on park benches. "Andrew, what the hell is going on here?"

Andrew took a deep breath. "Buffy, this is MacKenzie Williams. She's been cast to play you in the upcoming movie trilogy based on, uh, your life."

***

"Yes, really," MacKenzie finally said after Buffy had spent about two minutes just looking back and forth between her and Andrew, her mouth opening and shutting with little "Wha-", "Huh", "You gotta be", and "Really?".

"See," Andrew finally dared interject when it didn't seem as if his violent death was imminent, "She wanted to make sure she got you right, so she asked to tag along on a mission to observe and study how the greatest Slayer of the Vampyres of all time does the voodoo that shedoo, and so the producers called me, and - "

"They're making a movie about me?" Buffy finally said, sounding as if she honestly wasn't sure if she should be insulted or flattered.

Andrew nodded. "Uh... yeah. I mean, why wouldn't they?"

"And she's an actress."

"Uh-huh," Andrew nodded. "You might know her from such things as - "

"And you didn't tell me?"
"And you didn't tell her?"

Buffy and MacKenzie realised they had yelled at Andrew at the same time, looked at each other, and then turned their ire back at the poor Watcher.

"How could you not tell me?"
"How could you not tell her?"
"I could have gotten her killed!"
"She could have gotten me killed!"
"How much are we getting paid for this?"
"Does this mean I'm not getting paid for this?"

After a few minutes of this, Andrew managed to mumble something about having to make a phone call and hurried out of the office, leaving Buffy and MacKenzie to stand around looking generally peeved. Buffy crossed her arms and glared angrily at the spot where Andrew had been sitting. MacKenzie shot her a quick glance, and then crossed her arms and glared angrily at the spot where Andrew had been sitting.

Eventually, Buffy snuck a look at MacKenzie and cleared her throat. "Something on the Disney channel, right?"

MacKenzie snuck a very similar look back and cleared her throat. "I was Madison on Dracula High for three seasons."

"Oh." Buffy nodded. "You know the vampires on that show were totally unrealistic, right?"

MacKenzie nodded. "No sh- uh, no kidding."

"I mean, what was up with the..." Buffy uncrossed her arms and gestured awkardly.

MacKenzie uncrossed her arms and gestured awkwardly. "The... flying?" she ventured.

Buffy smiled. "Yeah."

"Oh, tell me about it." MacKenzie smiled.

Buffy gave her a more thorough look, which MacKenzie returned. "Look, I'm sorry about earlier, and about, well, obviously there's not gonna be a movie now. It's not that I'm not flattered, and I'm sure you'd make a good... me, but I'm just not interested. I mean, this is my life. Plus, we've got a ton of girls to train, and I don't want them to get the wrong idea about what it means to be a Slayer. You get that, right?"

"Sure," MacKenzie replied in the same slightly concerned yet curious tone. "It's OK, I guess, there'll be other roles. I feel a bit sorry for Donny and Buddy, though, they really had their hearts set on it."

"Donny and Buddy...?"

"Donny Japp and Buddy Orlando," MacKenzie clarified. "They were gonna play Angel and Spike."

Buffy held up her hands in the international sign for hold on just one cotton-pickin' minute here. "Wait, I get to... I mean, you get to make out with Donny Japp?"

Andrew, who had just come back in, echoed the sentiment while unconsciously clutching his Lord Of The Rings t-shirt. "Wait, she gets to... I mean, you get to make out with Buddy Orlando?"

MacKenzie held up her hands. "Well, not anymore, I guess."

"OK. But..." Buffy fidgeted with her hair, saw that MacKenzie was doing the very same thing, and with a frown on her face stopped. "What are you doing?"

MacKenzie frowned. "What?"

"You're copying me!"

"No!" MacKenzie answered in the same slightly offended tone, "Well OK," she admitted, "maybe I'm just trying to get your character. My acting coach says..."

Buffy whimpered. "Andrew, tell her the movie's off. Japp or no Japp."

"Actually, about that." Andrew quickly ran down the result of his phone conversation with the producers and their reaction to Buffy's refusal, which basically consisted of 'That's too bad, but since we didn't technically need or want her permission, we're going ahead anyway.'

"They what?" Buffy lowered her voice and widened her eyes in righteous anger, forgetting to keep her eyes on MacKenzie who duly noted her every expression. "They can't do that! Can we sue them? Oh! Angel runs a law firm now, right? We'll have him sue them."

"That's a great idea, but I'm not so sure it's a... um... a good idea," Andrew said. "For one thing, regular courts might not accept that vampires exist and that you were chosen to slay them. Plus, you'd have to admit to breaking the law on pretty much a daily basis."

"I don't break the law!"

"How much did you pay for that antique sword?"

"I found it in a grave in... Oh."

"Precisely." Andrew put his hands together and smiled; he was feeling far more at home now. "Yours is a secret struggle, a rebel working in the dark, who cannot play by society's - "

"Andrew!"

"Sorry. For another thing, um... who do you think they got the story from? There are only so many people in LA who know your whole life story, and... well, Angel's law firm is technically evil, and they represent a lot of movie studios."

Buffy clasped her hand over her eyes. "I'm going to kill him. I swear to every god in Willow's spellbook, I'm going to kill him."

"You mean 'again', right?" MacKenzie asked. "Because according to the script I've got, you already killed him at least once, and - "

Buffy ignored her. "OK, Andrew, get me on a flight to LA. Right now."

"Already taken care of." Andrew smiled and with a well-practiced flourish produced two newly-printed airline tickets for the next day.

"And there's two because...?" Buffy looked from Andrew to MacKenzie and groaned.

"Well, the studio is paying for the trip, and they kinda want her back in one piece."

"Besides," MacKenzie said, "if the movie does happen, I really want to make sure I do you justice. I mean, duh, you saved my life. So if I can just spend a few hours with you and ask you some questions..." She held up her hands to halt Buffy's protestations. "I'm just saying, if the movie happens. Plus, Donny would love to meet you."

"Really? Me?" Buffy blinked and then snapped out of it and held up her hands, unconsciously copying her double. "OK, you know what, fine. The sooner I get this over with, the better. I've got things to do."

"Oh, by the way," Andrew called out as Buffy turned to leave, "in case you need to, you know, work off some steam, I just found out that there's a vamp nest downtown that nobody's dealt with yet."

Buffy turned back and pointed her sword at him. "OK, you and Dawn seriously need to stop it. I do not need to kill things to unwind. I'm unwound. I'm unwounder than a... a..."

Andrew and MacKenzie exchanged a look.

Buffy sighed. "Whatever. Just give me the address."

***

"Like I was saying, wow. That really was amazing," MacKenzie told Buffy as they fastened their seatbelts and the Alitalia flight to LA started taxiing away from the terminal. She'd pretty much been talking non-stop since coming along on Buffy's late-night slayage the day before, and showed no signs of stopping anytime soon. "I mean, the way you took down that vampire..." MacKenzie gestured. "And that roundhouse kick? I'm totally going to need some more fight training. And that axe thing, how awesome is that? I mean it'd be even cooler if it could, like, shoot fire or something, right? Because the CGI guys are really good at fire, and can I just ask you some questions?" She got out her notepad. "OK, so why can't you just shoot them, like Blade? And how does it really feel to be dead? And seriously, I get the tall-dark-and-broody thing, but don't tell me you weren't attracted to Spike from the very start? What's it like to suddenly be just one of thousands of Slayers? And how are you and Faith getting along these days? Does it feel good to save the world, and what's your favourite apocalypse? And..."

Buffy hit the buzzer and asked the flight attendant for a drink. It was going to be a long flight.

MacKenzie ordered a Bloody Mary. "Because I'm thinking, what if my Buffy's favourite drink was a Bloody Mary? Wouldn't that be, like, a good commentary on how my power, I mean your power, is founded in the same demonic past as those you fight, and..."

Groan.

On to chapter 3

Comments

[rebcake]

Oh, this is fabulous. But then, I always thought you should be in charge of the movie reboot project anyway...

So many great bits! The mirroring, the getting at Buffy through Orlando Bloom (or whoever), the ganging up on Buffy of Dawn and Andrew, the "last robot said"! So, so fun.

And, I'm guessing that since Spike is mentioned in the script, we know who really did the treatment. Angel would have ended the whole scenario after S3. *nods*

[beer_good_foamy]

Thank you!

And, I'm guessing that since Spike is mentioned in the script, we know who really did the treatment. Angel would have ended the whole scenario after S3. *nods*

Well, we'll see. *evil grin*

[sarian71]

Donny Japp? ROTF!

[beer_good_foamy]

She loved him in Teddy Knifehands. Thanks!

[red_satin_doll]

I was wondering how the producers had gotten around Buffy's permission (which would include signing documents and whatnot. And hopefully, some money?) of COURSE it would be Angel, the ponce.

You found a way to work in a callback to Gingerbread. Yay! And 'the bot - if you get any more meta on me my head will explode..in the totally good way.

[beer_good_foamy]

Thanks!

Well, we'll see who the big bad is... because I think there might just be one. I recommend a tight-fitting hat. :)

(I always wonder why that's never brought up again. Buffy killed Hansel and Gretel. As achievements go, that's pretty big.)

[red_satin_doll]

Buffy killed Hansel and Gretel. As achievements go, that's pretty big.)

Indeed. I'm sure there's a very deep metaphorical message here that I need to parse out (no doubt someone else already has - it sounds like the sort of thing to inspire a hundred masters' thesis); I suppose it has something to do with Joss' atheism on one level - that "fairy tales" can be read as "religion", as the belief in the unseen, the magical, the irrational?

I don't think the writers intended anything that deep - or maybe they did? I've watched Bill Maher's "Religulous" doc and what bothered me about his attitude in it was how he failed to see how his insistence that he was right and people of faith are wrong, is an exact mirror for how religions have keep followers in line "I know what's good for you". And also his failure to see the same sort of hive-mind thinking that religions encourage as part and parcel of ANY organization with a hierarchial structure: political parties ("A vote for my opponent will hasten nuclear war!"), corporations ("You will be happier if you use our detergent because your whites will be whiter than white!") And so forth.

This ties in neatly with "Helpless" and it's condemnation of the WC, and Buffy's rejection of it, repeated in Graduation Day, Checkpoint and Chosen. She also rejects the First Slayer's message in Restless. Buffy (and Willow) are the characters who live in the now, ignore history except as it is useful to them, and reject the old rules and restrictions (as local_max has pointed out, Willow is interested in magic but not in a religious or spiritual context - she calls on Osiris not because she worships him but because he's the god who can help her get the job done.)

Of course rejecting all rules and history wholesale has it's downsides as well - Willow could have used some checks and balances pre S7, and Buffy ends up going back to both the First Slayer (Intervention) and Spike (FFL). Her decision to activate the Slayer spell is only possible after she has a better understanding of the history of the WC and the Slayers - Henry Ford's famous "Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it".

[beer_good_foamy]

I hated Religulous. I'm as atheist as they come (athe, athier, athiest?), and there are a lot of things about organised religion that scare the shit out of me, but Maher's approach to everything was just... I mean, that scene where he basically berates a muslim woman for NOT being oppressed, and demands that she behave more in line with his view of fundamentalist Islam? How does he not see the irony?

I suppose it has something to do with Joss' atheism on one level - that "fairy tales" can be read as "religion", as the belief in the unseen, the magical, the irrational?

I'm not sure about that, in Buffy, fairy tales and myths always hold a lot of power, often by virtue of being magical and irrational. You might even argue that's the entire point of the Initiative storyline - oversimplified, the rational, logical, blinkered "male" narrative that forces things into boxes ("A lot of filing, giving things names"), vs the intuitive, instinctive, storytelling "female" narrative that creates meaning. That's Joss' existentialism, of course. The trick is to not let the myth have power over you, but to have power over it.

Here's a thought: Buffy The Existenialist's power comes from demons (as openly said by Adam in "Restless") since they are two sides to the same coin - on the one hand, superstition and fairy tales, the Unreal, the escapist fantasy; on the other, the knowledge that stories have power whether they're objectively "real" or not, that there's more than one way to derive meaning and understanding of the world. All contrasted against the Rileys and the Quentins of the world, who already Know how the world works and thinks it's really just that simple, and since it's always worked that well for them (the Watchers are the ones writing history, after all, they think they can control which bits are remembered and which are forgotten) they're happy to try to make everyone else play by their rules.

[red_satin_doll]

I had been watching clips of Maher's show on YouTube right around the election in 2008 and after (I was also binging on Rachel Maddow and Jon Stewart; then I got bored with all of them and stopped.) Religulous was probably the main reason I stopped watching Maher, however, for the very reasons you mention. I mean, the "none of us can know there is a God - therefore I am right to not believe in one and you are crazy if you do, even if I can't prove God doesn't exist...."

Oh, break me a fucking give.

You might even argue that's the entire point of the Initiative storyline - oversimplified, the rational, logical, blinkered "male" narrative that forces things into boxes ("A lot of filing, giving things names"), vs the intuitive, instinctive, storytelling "female" narrative that creates meaning.

That's no stretch whatsoever - rebcake reminded me that one of the main themes of s4 is "magic vs technology" and how it's not about one being preferable to the other, but about how power is used and abused (which repeats itself in S6, but the magic/technology dynamic is inverted). Have you read the meta-fic she wrote in which Buffy circa S4 gets sick of being magic's bitch that year?
http://rebcake.livejournal.com/3823.html?view=657647#t657647

But we're not really talking about S4, are we?

And here's where I confess that I know nothing about "existentialism" beyond being a word that is tossed around by everyone and understood by very few (so far as I can tell); and admittedly I have a lot to catch up on in terms of studying mythology and psychology.

The trick is to not let the myth have power over you, but to have power over it.

Isn't that part of the thing that makes Willow's Will be Done spell powerful - the things that she believes (and, it could be argued, already have a grain of truth in them) come true? Whereas technology requires no such belief, only knowledge - how to pull the trigger, so to speak? As with the rocket launcher in S2, Warren's gun in SR, etc?

All contrasted against the Rileys and the Quentins of the world, who already Know how the world works and thinks it's really just that simple

"Just that simple" reminds me of Riley's comments to Buffy in Doomed, when she says she doesn't want to start a relationship with him, that she can't do it, and he dismisses her as "stupid". He sees it as that simple "I like you, you like me" and isn't willing to listen or acknowledge her objections or feelings, because in his mind she is being irrational ("stupid"). He has no idea what he is in for.

But - extending your comments (I'm learning existentialism from you and possibly local_max in bits and snippets. Enough to be dangerous, perhaps?) Buffy's ultimate power on the show comes from, as you've said brilliantly, rewriting the narrative, "solving" the problem that the title presents "THE vampire slayer". But she doesn't undo the original narrative in the sense that she doesn't contradict the "good fights evil" paradigm, rather she uses magic to expand it, to bring more soldiers into the fold - and whether they fight for good or evil is their own choice to make. She doesn't turn her back on the fight or say "Nah, I'm not going to believe in this stuff anymore" (as she attempts to in Anne). Is it impossible for her to turn her back because she now believes in the myth (and her job in Anne seems to be to get Lily to believe in herself? Does Buffy belief in The Slayer mythos more than she believes in herself, ironically? And am I making a lick of sense here?)

So she has solved the problem for herself of being "the One" in Chosen; but has she solved or created more problems on a wider scale for others? Is she progressive/transgressive, or is she a fascist?

And as loathe as I am to deal with them *cringe* - how do the comics, esp S8 and the undoing of the Slayer spell (with the guilt and blame raining down on Buffy's head) extend Joss' existentialist philosophy? (Assuming it does any such thing or even attempts to.)

[beer_good_foamy]

Whereas technology requires no such belief, only knowledge - how to pull the trigger, so to speak?

Very fitting, since for the most part, firearms are shown to be utterly useless on Buffy. :) They can only kill, they can't defeat.

What's that Picasso quote? "Computers are useless. They can only give you answers."

Of course, Willow's spells fail partly because she ignores the context of them - she tries to just take the bits she needs and ignores everything else. She can't fully control her witchdom until she understands where it comes from, much like Buffy can't pass on the Slayer spell until she owns that narrative. Which, IMO, is where Whedon makes Buffyverse magic different from (the simplified view of) religion. There's plenty of magic, but there's no magical thinking, no mysterious ways to move in. Everything, including magic, hellgods, and mystical destinies, have a cause and an effect, and their moral consequences relate to how they affect others, not some preconceived notion of sin and virtue. Things, for the most part, don't Just Happen, and you can't wish the world better.

Does Buffy belief in The Slayer mythos more than she believes in herself, ironically?

That's an interesting question. Hmmm. I would say it depends a lot on when in the series we're talking about and in what situation. By the end of the series, I'd say she's mostly reconciled the two.

how do the comics, esp S8 and the undoing of the Slayer spell (with the guilt and blame raining down on Buffy's head) extend Joss' existentialist philosophy?

Don't know, don't care. :P

[red_satin_doll]

Very fitting, since for the most part, firearms are shown to be utterly useless on Buffy. :) They can only kill, they can't defeat.

Excellent point. I still get a chuckle at the thought of those NRA-types on the AV Club who howled in rage over Buffy's S6 line to the bank guard when she picks up his gun: "These? Never helpful." OMG morons, she's talking about in a particular context (fighting demons) and - hello! - foreshadowing!

there's no magical thinking, no mysterious ways to move in. Everything, including magic, hellgods, and mystical destinies, have a cause and an effect, and their moral consequences relate to how they affect others, not some preconceived notion of sin and virtue. Things, for the most part, don't Just Happen, and you can't wish the world better.

Well said - I can wrap my brain around that notion. (Have you written meta on this specifically? If not - *hint*)

Don't know, don't care. :P

BEST. ANSWER. EVER.

[rahirah]

Bwahahahaha!

[beer_good_foamy]

:) Thanks!

[ffutures]

Must have previously missed this chapter - it's going to be a LONG flight...

[zanthinegirl]

I read this last month (I think it was) but don't seem to have commented.

Hee! Very cute, and nice shot at the kid shows on the Disney channel. And snickering at "Donny Japp and Buddy Orlando". Hee!

Now off the the next chapter...

[beer_good_foamy]

Thanks! I'm always confuzzled when I realise how many shows there seem to be on the Disney channel about vampires and witches and whatnot. All of them starring, as far as I can tell, the same people. I've never seen a single one of them so I might be unfair but naaaah.

[zanthinegirl]

I have neither kids nor cable, but I do have an eight year old niece. You're not being at all unfair IMO!

[willowgreen.livejournal.com]

I can't even begin to tell you how much I love this! What a perfect Hanukkah present. You know there are five more nights, right? :-)

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Haha, we'll see what I can do. Thanks!

[slaymesoftly.livejournal.com]

Tee hee. Alternating between snorting and LOL. More please. :)

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Patience, patience. :) Thanks!

[ffutures.livejournal.com]

If it turns out that Andrew wrote the script I wonder if he will ever get the stake out from where she puts it...;

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

He may have installed some self-defense mechanisms in that desk of his. And kevlar in his tweed pants. Thanks!

[zanthinegirl.livejournal.com]

"Wait, I get to... I mean, you get to make out with Donny Japp?"

LOL!

"Because I'm thinking, what if my Buffy's favourite drink was a Bloody Mary? Wouldn't that be, like, a good commentary on how my power, I mean your power, is founded in the same demonic past as those you fight, and..."

Hee! This story is so much fun. And it's headed to LA and W&H, which means it's going to have Lorne, right? Woo-hoo!

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

Buffy's been a fan of Donny Japp ever since his days on 21 Jump Avenue. Trufax.

And yep, Lorne should show up in the next chapter. Should be fun, I haven't written him in ages.

[shapinglight]

Hee! What's your favourite apocalypse.

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Actually, Buffy's favourite apocalypse is the one in "The Zeppo". Nobody died and she did that really cool thing with an axe that everyone who saw it remembers.

Thanks!

[brutti-ma-buoni.livejournal.com]

If MacKenzie lives to see another dawn, it will make Buffy a candidate for sainthood. Srsly.

W&H LA and evil film contracts... *loves*

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Aw, c'mon, she's just fangirling. :) Thanks!

[aadler]

No, no, no, you don’t get to stop here. There MUST be more to this story, and I want to read it.

YOU. ARE. NOT. ALLOWED. TO LEAVE THIS UNFINISHED.

Seriously.

[beer-good-foamy.livejournal.com]

Haha, thanks! There's definitely more coming - hopefully in a day or two.