Fic: The True Meaning of Whatever
Dec. 23rd, 2015 03:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
beer_good_foamySo, I always try to post a holiday-themed fic around this time, but I was seriously lacking in inspiration this year. Then I saw this things like this, and this, and what the hell, I opened the holiday booze a bit in advance and figured eh, let's see where this setup takes me. This is in no way a subtle fic, but I hope it works anyway. Happy whatever, everyone!
Title: The True Meaning of Whatever
Author: Beer Good (beer_good_foamy)
Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, post-series
Rating: PG13
Word count: ~1500
Characters/Pairing: Ensemble. Nods to Spike/Buffy, Dawn/Vi
Warnings: Irreverence.
Summary: The new president wants the Slayers to deal with the fabled War On Christmas.
The True Meaning of Whatever
Excerpt from NSA surveillance files, project NaughtyOrNice
E-mail addresses redacted to preserve targ... uh, we mean, citizens' privacy
From: Dawn.***@slayernet.org
To: slayerlist@slayernet.org
Subject: War on xmas
So, guys, here's a thing we may have to deal with.
As you all know, a few years ago we got some funding from the US government in exchange for killing demons and stuff. Now that there's a new president in the White House, we put in a request for an extension. Long story short, they're asking for a favor in return.
Specifically, President T. ran on a promise of ending the "war on Christmas", and the White House wants us to look into any supernatural forces behind it, possible results of it, and slay any and all demons that, y'know, wish people "happy holidays" and other things that "take the Christ out of Christmas". Apparently this is a big deal to his electorate and he needs to show some results.
I've done some preliminary research, but haven't found anything, and I'm kind of busy with finals and shopping. So, ideas, people.
/Dawn
From: Buffy.***@slayernet.org
To: Dawn.***@slayernet.org
Subject: Re: War on xmas
Dawn, what did I tell you about drinking and Watchering? Or drinking in general?
Oh god, you're serious, aren't you. I don't have time for this. I have to shop for presents. And food. Why do I have to host the party every year?
From: S***@slayernet.org
To: slayerlist@slayernet.org
Subject: Re: War on xmas
Too bloody right! About time somebody straightened you yanks out. You lot have lost touch with the true meaning of Christmas. As I recall, it has something to do with exploiting Tiny Tim.
Hail Satan!
From: Buffy.***@slayernet.org
To: S***@slayernet.org
Subject: Re: War on xmas
Not. Helping. Don't make me get Willow to block you from the mailing list again.
From: S***@slayernet.org
To: slayerlist@slayernet.org
Subject: Re: War on xmas
Oh, you're having Red do your dirty work for you again? If you want me off the list, come over here and get me off. :-P
From: Buffy.***@slayernet.org
To: S***@slayernet.org
Subject: Re: War on xmas
You're a pig. <3
From: Kennedy.***@slayernet.org
To: slayerlist@slayernet.org
Subject: Re: War on xmas
OK, so do we need to actually show cause and effect here, or can we just kill a random demon, say he's behind it and mail him to the white house? Maybe put a little santa hat on him?
From: Xander.***@slayernet.org
To: slayerlist@slayernet.org
Subject: Re: War on xmas
"Now I have a machine gun, ho ho ho."
...Nobody? Really?
Anyway, I think we probably need to come up with some kind of credible scapegoat here so the bigwigs can look like they took action. If nothing else, it can't hurt to stay on their good side. Without selling anyone out, obviously.
From: Andrew.***@slayernet.org
To: Xander.***@slayernet.org
Subject: Re: War on xmas
I understood that reference!
From: Chao-Ahn.***@slayernet.org
To: slayerlist@slayernet.org
Subject: Re: War on xmas
Americans are strange.
冬至愉快!
From: Rupert.***@slayernet.co.uk
To: slayerlist@slayernet.org
Subject: Re: War on xmas
As ridiculous as this may sound, there is some precedent to this. Not necessarily concerning Christmas, as it's not, theologically speaking, as important to Christianity as contemporary culture insists. If we look at Easter, however, there are a lot of historical cases where witches, demons and heretics have been accused of wanting to hijack the miracle of Christ's resurrection for their own nefarious purposes. Some academics even insist that the traditional vampire mythos is a perversion of the eucharist and the resurrection. If you are serious about researching anything attacking the true meaning of Christmas, I'd say that's your starting point. Of course, as both Christmas and Easter go back to earlier midwinter and spring celebrations, there's a lot of underlying mythology to dig into as well. And speaking of scapegoats, goats are still venerated as part of Christmas traditions in many places. The Swedes still sacrifice a giant goat every year as part of an ostensibly Christian celebration. However, I think there may be a far more prosaic explanation for the "curse" we are investigating in this particular case. I take it not spending billions on cheap trinkets isn't the answer they're looking for?
Wish I could help. Feel awful that I can't. But there's brandy and christmas pud that needs to be consumed. Damn it.
From: Buffy.***@slayernet.org
To: slayerlist@slayernet.org
Subject: Re: Re: War on xmas
Vampires are metaphors? I have now, officially, heard it all.
Also, re: that other e-mail thread: Yes, using your Slayer powers for Christmas shopping is wrong. Very Wrong. Try not to do it more than three times a day.
From: Willow.***@slayernet.org
To: Rupert.***@slayernet.org; Buffy.***@slayernet.org; Kennedy.***@slayernet.org; Xander.***@slayernet.org; Dawn.***@slayernet.org
Subject: Re: War on the winter solstice
Witches, huh. Does this mean I'm evil again? Because right now I kinda wouldn't mind that.
/just as American as everyone else thankyouverymuch
PS: Xander, thanks for the mix cd, but "Eight Days a Week" is not technically a Hannukkah song.
From: Faith.***@slayernet.org
To: slayerlist@slayernet.org
Subject: Re: War on xmas
are we absolutly sure his hairpiece isnt a demon? fucking hypocrite should get down here and do some real work
From: Vi.***@slayernet.org
To: Dawn.***@slayernet.org
Subject: Faith
Hey you. Ran an IP check on Faith's e-mail, first word we've had from her for weeks. See attachment. Is she really volunteering at a runaway shelter?
From: Dawn.***@slayernet.org
To: Vi.***@slayernet.org
Subject: Re: Faith
Faith? No. Definitely not. Absolutely not, nuh-uh, no way.
Also, yes she is, but don't tell anyone or she'll eat you alive and that's my job. She said something about owing someone. Not going to Boston to check, it's freezing up there.
From: Vi.***@slayernet.org
To: Dawn.***@slayernet.org
Subject: Re: Faith
You are such a SoCal girl. How can you even have Christmas without snow?
From: Dawn.***@slayernet.org
To: slayerlist@slayernet.org
Subject: Snow is evil
[attached image: snuggly.jpg]
From: Dawn.***@slayernet.org
To: Willow.***@slayernet.org
Subject: !!!
Priority: High
Let's say I hypothetically sent an e-mail to the entire list that was supposed to go to just one person and I really need to recall it like RIGHT NOW, how would I do that? Hypothetically.
From: Willow.***@slayernet.org
To: Dawn.***@slayernet.org
Subject: Re: !!!
Hypothetically deleted your hypothetical e-mail from the list. Consider it a hypothetical early christmas gift. Also, I have some books you could hypothetically borrow if you want. No pressure. :)
From: Buffy.***@slayernet.org
To: slayerlist@slayernet.org
Subject: Re: War on xmas
OK, let's just get this over with. I want to relax and do the christmas thing without having to discuss why I want to relax and do the christmas thing.
So what's our scapegoat shortlist here? First Evil? Evil snowmen? That Santa demon Anya mentioned once, did we ever do anything about him?
Actually… Never mind, everyone, I've got this. Will, bring your laptop when you come over on Christmas day and we'll type something up while the turkey's in the oven.
Happy holidays, everyone!
Various responses at slayerlist@slayernet.org
Turkey? For Christmas? That's just WRONG.
Promise to give us Ramadan off and we'll cover your patrol duties while you stuff your infidel bellies. :)
Happy Christmas! Try not to freeze to death, antipodeans.
You do know that "yule" is derived from "ale", right?
So, is this the one where you watch football all day, or was that a couple of weeks ago?
YES! BURN, GOAT, BURN! HAIL THO… I mean, um, merry christmas!
Sinterklaas got here weeks ago, he STILL hasn't got around to you guys?
Lucky bastards. Some of us have to wait until new years, you know. Merry christmas, tovarichi!
My Christmas on you!
Peace and good will unto all. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uPamW-WUf50
From: Dawn.***@slayernet.org
To: Buffy.***@slayernet.org; Willow.***@slayernet.org; Rupert.***@slayernet.org; Xander.***@slayernet.org; Andrew.***@slayernet.org
Subject: Happy new year!
Hope everyone's slept it off! Seriously, it was so good to see you all again. Love you, guys.
I just heard from our contact in Washington. The good news is that the White House totally bought that a Santa demon living on the North Pole is to blame for the War on Christmas, once we explained that the he had nothing to do with the traditional Santa and killing him wouldn't make a dent in the holy GDP.
The bad news is that rather than bomb the North Pole, which would have been pretty harmless, they simply decided to scrap the Kyoto agreement, increase CO2 levels and drown him, since, and I quote, "global warming isn't politically relevant".
Andrew, do you still have the plans for that freeze ray you guys had? I think we could do with a white Christmas next year.
NSA recommendations:
- Make list
- Check twice
- Revisit after the holidays. No action recommended. Happy Gurnenthar's Ascendance, everyone!
Title: The True Meaning of Whatever
Author: Beer Good (
beer_good_foamy)Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, post-series
Rating: PG13
Word count: ~1500
Characters/Pairing: Ensemble. Nods to Spike/Buffy, Dawn/Vi
Warnings: Irreverence.
Summary: The new president wants the Slayers to deal with the fabled War On Christmas.
The True Meaning of Whatever
Excerpt from NSA surveillance files, project NaughtyOrNice
E-mail addresses redacted to preserve targ... uh, we mean, citizens' privacy
From: Dawn.***@slayernet.org
To: slayerlist@slayernet.org
Subject: War on xmas
So, guys, here's a thing we may have to deal with.
As you all know, a few years ago we got some funding from the US government in exchange for killing demons and stuff. Now that there's a new president in the White House, we put in a request for an extension. Long story short, they're asking for a favor in return.
Specifically, President T. ran on a promise of ending the "war on Christmas", and the White House wants us to look into any supernatural forces behind it, possible results of it, and slay any and all demons that, y'know, wish people "happy holidays" and other things that "take the Christ out of Christmas". Apparently this is a big deal to his electorate and he needs to show some results.
I've done some preliminary research, but haven't found anything, and I'm kind of busy with finals and shopping. So, ideas, people.
/Dawn
From: Buffy.***@slayernet.org
To: Dawn.***@slayernet.org
Subject: Re: War on xmas
Dawn, what did I tell you about drinking and Watchering? Or drinking in general?
Oh god, you're serious, aren't you. I don't have time for this. I have to shop for presents. And food. Why do I have to host the party every year?
From: S***@slayernet.org
To: slayerlist@slayernet.org
Subject: Re: War on xmas
Too bloody right! About time somebody straightened you yanks out. You lot have lost touch with the true meaning of Christmas. As I recall, it has something to do with exploiting Tiny Tim.
Hail Satan!
From: Buffy.***@slayernet.org
To: S***@slayernet.org
Subject: Re: War on xmas
Not. Helping. Don't make me get Willow to block you from the mailing list again.
From: S***@slayernet.org
To: slayerlist@slayernet.org
Subject: Re: War on xmas
Oh, you're having Red do your dirty work for you again? If you want me off the list, come over here and get me off. :-P
From: Buffy.***@slayernet.org
To: S***@slayernet.org
Subject: Re: War on xmas
You're a pig. <3
From: Kennedy.***@slayernet.org
To: slayerlist@slayernet.org
Subject: Re: War on xmas
OK, so do we need to actually show cause and effect here, or can we just kill a random demon, say he's behind it and mail him to the white house? Maybe put a little santa hat on him?
From: Xander.***@slayernet.org
To: slayerlist@slayernet.org
Subject: Re: War on xmas
"Now I have a machine gun, ho ho ho."
...Nobody? Really?
Anyway, I think we probably need to come up with some kind of credible scapegoat here so the bigwigs can look like they took action. If nothing else, it can't hurt to stay on their good side. Without selling anyone out, obviously.
From: Andrew.***@slayernet.org
To: Xander.***@slayernet.org
Subject: Re: War on xmas
I understood that reference!
From: Chao-Ahn.***@slayernet.org
To: slayerlist@slayernet.org
Subject: Re: War on xmas
Americans are strange.
冬至愉快!
From: Rupert.***@slayernet.co.uk
To: slayerlist@slayernet.org
Subject: Re: War on xmas
As ridiculous as this may sound, there is some precedent to this. Not necessarily concerning Christmas, as it's not, theologically speaking, as important to Christianity as contemporary culture insists. If we look at Easter, however, there are a lot of historical cases where witches, demons and heretics have been accused of wanting to hijack the miracle of Christ's resurrection for their own nefarious purposes. Some academics even insist that the traditional vampire mythos is a perversion of the eucharist and the resurrection. If you are serious about researching anything attacking the true meaning of Christmas, I'd say that's your starting point. Of course, as both Christmas and Easter go back to earlier midwinter and spring celebrations, there's a lot of underlying mythology to dig into as well. And speaking of scapegoats, goats are still venerated as part of Christmas traditions in many places. The Swedes still sacrifice a giant goat every year as part of an ostensibly Christian celebration. However, I think there may be a far more prosaic explanation for the "curse" we are investigating in this particular case. I take it not spending billions on cheap trinkets isn't the answer they're looking for?
Wish I could help. Feel awful that I can't. But there's brandy and christmas pud that needs to be consumed. Damn it.
From: Buffy.***@slayernet.org
To: slayerlist@slayernet.org
Subject: Re: Re: War on xmas
Vampires are metaphors? I have now, officially, heard it all.
Also, re: that other e-mail thread: Yes, using your Slayer powers for Christmas shopping is wrong. Very Wrong. Try not to do it more than three times a day.
From: Willow.***@slayernet.org
To: Rupert.***@slayernet.org; Buffy.***@slayernet.org; Kennedy.***@slayernet.org; Xander.***@slayernet.org; Dawn.***@slayernet.org
Subject: Re: War on the winter solstice
Witches, huh. Does this mean I'm evil again? Because right now I kinda wouldn't mind that.
/just as American as everyone else thankyouverymuch
PS: Xander, thanks for the mix cd, but "Eight Days a Week" is not technically a Hannukkah song.
From: Faith.***@slayernet.org
To: slayerlist@slayernet.org
Subject: Re: War on xmas
are we absolutly sure his hairpiece isnt a demon? fucking hypocrite should get down here and do some real work
From: Vi.***@slayernet.org
To: Dawn.***@slayernet.org
Subject: Faith
Hey you. Ran an IP check on Faith's e-mail, first word we've had from her for weeks. See attachment. Is she really volunteering at a runaway shelter?
From: Dawn.***@slayernet.org
To: Vi.***@slayernet.org
Subject: Re: Faith
Faith? No. Definitely not. Absolutely not, nuh-uh, no way.
Also, yes she is, but don't tell anyone or she'll eat you alive and that's my job. She said something about owing someone. Not going to Boston to check, it's freezing up there.
From: Vi.***@slayernet.org
To: Dawn.***@slayernet.org
Subject: Re: Faith
You are such a SoCal girl. How can you even have Christmas without snow?
From: Dawn.***@slayernet.org
To: slayerlist@slayernet.org
Subject: Snow is evil
[attached image: snuggly.jpg]
From: Dawn.***@slayernet.org
To: Willow.***@slayernet.org
Subject: !!!
Priority: High
Let's say I hypothetically sent an e-mail to the entire list that was supposed to go to just one person and I really need to recall it like RIGHT NOW, how would I do that? Hypothetically.
From: Willow.***@slayernet.org
To: Dawn.***@slayernet.org
Subject: Re: !!!
Hypothetically deleted your hypothetical e-mail from the list. Consider it a hypothetical early christmas gift. Also, I have some books you could hypothetically borrow if you want. No pressure. :)
From: Buffy.***@slayernet.org
To: slayerlist@slayernet.org
Subject: Re: War on xmas
OK, let's just get this over with. I want to relax and do the christmas thing without having to discuss why I want to relax and do the christmas thing.
So what's our scapegoat shortlist here? First Evil? Evil snowmen? That Santa demon Anya mentioned once, did we ever do anything about him?
Actually… Never mind, everyone, I've got this. Will, bring your laptop when you come over on Christmas day and we'll type something up while the turkey's in the oven.
Happy holidays, everyone!
Various responses at slayerlist@slayernet.org
Turkey? For Christmas? That's just WRONG.
Promise to give us Ramadan off and we'll cover your patrol duties while you stuff your infidel bellies. :)
Happy Christmas! Try not to freeze to death, antipodeans.
You do know that "yule" is derived from "ale", right?
So, is this the one where you watch football all day, or was that a couple of weeks ago?
YES! BURN, GOAT, BURN! HAIL THO… I mean, um, merry christmas!
Sinterklaas got here weeks ago, he STILL hasn't got around to you guys?
Lucky bastards. Some of us have to wait until new years, you know. Merry christmas, tovarichi!
My Christmas on you!
Peace and good will unto all. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uPamW-WUf50
From: Dawn.***@slayernet.org
To: Buffy.***@slayernet.org; Willow.***@slayernet.org; Rupert.***@slayernet.org; Xander.***@slayernet.org; Andrew.***@slayernet.org
Subject: Happy new year!
Hope everyone's slept it off! Seriously, it was so good to see you all again. Love you, guys.
I just heard from our contact in Washington. The good news is that the White House totally bought that a Santa demon living on the North Pole is to blame for the War on Christmas, once we explained that the he had nothing to do with the traditional Santa and killing him wouldn't make a dent in the holy GDP.
The bad news is that rather than bomb the North Pole, which would have been pretty harmless, they simply decided to scrap the Kyoto agreement, increase CO2 levels and drown him, since, and I quote, "global warming isn't politically relevant".
Andrew, do you still have the plans for that freeze ray you guys had? I think we could do with a white Christmas next year.
NSA recommendations:
- Revisit after the holidays. No action recommended. Happy Gurnenthar's Ascendance, everyone!
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2015-12-23 07:51 pm (UTC)YAY!
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Date: 2015-12-23 09:33 pm (UTC)I can't write a Dawncentric fic and not have her be at least a little bit clutzy. :)
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Date: 2015-12-23 05:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-12-23 09:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-12-23 05:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-12-23 07:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-12-23 09:29 pm (UTC)Ao3 link: http://archiveofourown.org/works/5504936
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Date: 2015-12-23 06:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-12-23 09:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-12-24 03:32 am (UTC)But it was brilliant, especially the random comments at the end. Hail Tho --
(Ramadan off? It's a whole month! Christmas is only... ok, that's fair. ;) )
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Date: 2015-12-25 03:13 am (UTC)Rae
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Date: 2015-12-28 09:44 am (UTC)Hail Tho --
I'm not saying the old gods are still alive. But when the real life goat was burned yesterday morning (http://www.thelocal.se/20151227/swedens-christmas-goat-set-ablaze-once-again), we got the first snow of the year 20 minutes later.
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Date: 2015-12-31 08:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-12-24 03:45 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-12-28 09:45 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-12-24 06:39 pm (UTC)Why do I have to host the party every year?
Because you keep volunteering for the gig until it's become an expectation that you will do it. It's a vicious cycle sweetie. Also, you not-so-secretly love having everyone get together as long as you get to sigh and bitch about it a little.
Also - lack of habitual drunkness?
I thought this was the funniest line I've read all year:
I take it not spending billions on cheap trinkets isn't the answer they're looking for?
Until I got to this one:
Vampires are metaphors? I have now, officially, heard it all.
However I am embarrassed to admit I didn't get Xander's reference. Andrew is a better man than I am *hangs head*
no subject
Date: 2015-12-28 09:57 am (UTC)Because you keep volunteering for the gig until it's become an expectation that you will do it. It's a vicious cycle sweetie. Also, you not-so-secretly love having everyone get together as long as you get to sigh and bitch about it a little.
Yeah, pretty much. Aw, Buffy.
However I am embarrassed to admit I didn't get Xander's reference.
It's a line from the ultimate Christmas movie, Die Hard (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L0CL__Tvp-o). I still can't believe no one's made a movie where Alan Rickman gets to actually play Santa.
no subject
Date: 2015-12-28 02:22 pm (UTC)(My mom and my sibs and I all went to see it at the theater and then multiple times at home on our VHS tape. It was the perfect family outing film *lol*)
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Date: 2015-12-25 03:11 am (UTC)Rae
who was pointed here by thisficklemob
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Date: 2015-12-25 05:06 am (UTC)I've been re-reading all your stories this week! Merry Christmas to me! Thank you, thank you for them.
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Date: 2015-12-28 04:28 pm (UTC)Rae
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Date: 2015-12-28 09:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-12-25 05:04 am (UTC)The Faith backstory intrigues! I also like the Dawn & Vi flirtation. But really, Giles got to have the most fun!
Happy Yule! Thank you for bringing me Courtney Barnett this year, and also for this and your other works.
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Date: 2015-12-28 10:13 am (UTC)People who create conflicts over who gets to celebrate a holiday that's supposed to be about togetherness are a continuing puzzle to me. Luckily we don't get much of that over here yet ("Put the Christ back in Yule" just doesn't have the same ring to it, I guess) but the usual crowd are working hard at making it a thing...
And yay for Courtney Barnett!
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Date: 2016-01-19 06:09 am (UTC)That was wonderful, although I have to admit, I didn't know there was a war on Christmas. *g*
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Date: 2016-01-19 10:54 am (UTC)It's surprising, the things you learn watching Fox News. :)
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Date: 2016-12-09 02:15 am (UTC)Almost too relevant.
Favorite line, though: "Wish I could help. Feel awful that I can't. But there's brandy"
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Date: 2016-12-09 10:25 pm (UTC)But thanks!