beer_good_foamy | Fic: Let's Sing "Dawn Is A Giant" In D Minor

OK, s8 crackfic time again.

aycheb suggested that the fact that we haven’t seen Dawn’s supposed boyfriend Kenny in the comics means that we can use our own imaginations to make him anything we want.

So I did.

To be precise, I borrowed another Kenny. Off the top of my head, I know of three people named Kenny: FM rocker Kenny Loggins, former NY Islanders defender Kenny Jönsson, and... this guy. I did mention that this is crackfic, right?

Title: Let's Sing "Dawn Is A Giant" In D Minor
Author: Beer Good (

beer_good_foamy)
Rating: PG13
Word Count: ~990
Characters/Pairing: Dawn/Kenny
Fandom: Buffy s8 comics/South Park. Pre-"Long Way Home".
Disclaimer: These characters are the property of Joss Whedon, Trey Parker and Matt Stone, and their respective companies. Anyone who would want to pay me for this is obviously too insane to earn any money with which to pay me.
Warning: WRONG. WRONG. WRONG. WRONG. WRONG.
Summary: So what really happened to Dawn?

Let's Sing "Dawn Is A Giant" In D Minor AKA Dawn’s Boobs Destroy Society

"Yes, Kenny. Yes."

Dawn gazed lovingly into Kenny’s blue eyes. She hadn’t felt like this since... well, since RJ, but of course that was different. That was a spell. This was true love. She’d only known Kenny for a couple of... how long was it again? ...but she knew. No matter how weird he might look to outsiders – tall and slim, with a funny wobbly walk that made it seem like he had more joints than most people, always dressed in a long trenchcoat and an orange hoodie pulled so tightly around his face that it made it difficult to understand what he was saying. Especially since he seemed to be muttering to himself sometimes. But when you’re in love, appearances don’t matter. Dawn could see into his soul and know that he felt the same way about her that she did about him. She was a woman, he was a man, they were alone in her dorm room; it was quite basic, really. "I want you, Kenny." She slowly started unbuttoning her blouse.

Inside the trenchcoat, the four 9-year-old boys perched on top of each other’s shoulders in a human pyramid that almost passed for a tall guy in a trenchcoat were so excited they could barely keep still. Kenny McCormick, who sat on top, reassured Dawn that he did indeed want her too – well, the muffled words that came out of his parka were actually more like "Amf mfft fyou tmff", but she got the idea and smiled at him.

Underneath Kenny, Stan Marsh peered out through one of the button holes and tapped the head of his best friend Kyle Broflovski, on whose shoulders he was sitting. "Woah! Dude," he whispered. "We’re totally gonna see her naked!"

Kyle panted slightly from the strain of carrying both Stan and Kenny on his shoulders, but still had a big grin on his face as he whispered back. "Sweet! That love spell was the best 10 bucks we ever spent."

"Holy crap!" Stan gasped as Dawn took off her blouse. "Look at those - damnit, Kenny! Stop poking me in the neck with that thing!"

"What’s going on? I can’t see s*bleep*!" Eric Cartman, the fat kid at the bottom holding everyone up, tried his best to find a hole in the trenchcoat to look through, causing the whole construction to wobble.

"Whooooah!" Kyle struggled not to lose his balance. "Damnit, Cartman, hold still!"

"Shut up, Jew, stop telling me what to do! I chipped in on the ten bucks, why should you guys have all the fun?"

"It's not like it cost you anything. You beat Butters up for it."

"It’s still my money, goddamnit! I wanna see her boobs too!"

"Cartman, NO!"

But Kyle’s warning had no effect on Cartman who let go of Kyle’s legs to open the front of the trenchcoat, and that was it; unable to keep their balance anymore, the whole human pyramid came down like a sawed-off tree. Kyle toppled off Cartman’s shoulders, Stan toppled off Kyle’s, and Kenny toppled off Stan’s with a surprised "MMM!" that was cut short when his head hit the floor with a distinct crack.

For a few seconds, everything was very still. Dawn stood agape as the three little boys crawled out of the trenchcoat, then remembered her nakedness and quickly wrapped her arms around herself.

Kenny lay still in the middle of the room, a pool of dark blood forming around his head. Stan took a look at him, then turned to Cartman in shock. "Oh my God! You killed Kenny!"

"YOU BASTARD!" Kyle looked ready to punch the fat kid in the face.

Cartman puffed himself up. "The hell with Kenny, he had it coming! He ruined the whole thing! I told you we should have put me on top!"

"F*bleep* you!" Kyle yelled. "Like any girl would want to look at your ugly face, fatass!"

Cartman flipped him the bird. "Oh YEAH? Well... Screw you guys! I’m going home!"

Cartman waddled out of the room, and Stan and Kyle turned back to Dawn, who was still trying to work out what had just happened. "O-OK, guys, what’s going on here? Do you think you can just... you can treat..." Suddenly the fog in her mind lifted a little and she went bright red with anger. "A spell?!? You used a love spell on me?"

Stan tried to say something in their defense, but instead found himself throwing up violently onto her pants. Dawn took a few steps back in disgust. "EWWW! Gross!"

Kyle took the opportunity to grab Stan by his collar. "You’re right, Dawn. And you know, I think we really learned something today. We were wrong to... to... um... bye!" The two boys ran outside.

Dawn was alone in her room again, clutching her blouse to her chest, tentatively poking the dead kid with her puke-stained foot. "Kenny...?" She jumped back with a small shriek when a flock of rats came out of nowhere and started nibbling away at him. Retreating to a safe distance in a corner of the room to change into a sweatshirt and a fresh pair of jeans, she decided: this was a brand new kind of Weird that not even growing up in Sunnydale had prepared her for, and no matter what, there was absolutely no way she was telling anyone about this. Ever. Besides, her sister and mother still had more screwed-up love lives than her. She just needed a good night’s sleep in her own bed, and she’d forget all about this.

When the rats had cleared away all evidence and disappeared off to wherever they'd come from, Dawn opened the window to get some fresh air and clear her mind. She gazed out over the darkening campus, took a deep breath and looked up at the stars.

Then a passing Dalek ship accidentally shot her with a supergrowth ray.

The end.